Comments on: Destructive Behavior – Why It Happens and What We Can Do

By: Stace

Stace — Wed, 13 Oct 2021 07:06:00 +0000

Mine are like that too I totally get your frustration. But your grandson doesn’t decide if you have a good day or bad day you do. He can break the cookie jar – that’s frustrating but you can look at a routine and some structure or daycare? Do you have part time daycare so you get a break?

And limits. No touching the cookie jar. No cookies. It’s OK to set limits and I have 3 and insist on a quiet time or nap after lunch for me. Everyone is separate. Yes 2 weeks of screaming and being strict to enforce the habit but then they get it. We ha a box of special puzzles for non napping child to do and I rest meditate etc
Have you considered what you need and getting support?

By: allison holland

allison holland — Mon, 07 Jun 2021 18:24:47 +0000

My grandsons and my daughter came to live with me two years and several months ago. They break everything all the time. They yell talk. They eat so uncivilized that it is an effort to eat with them. Two years I have been going through this with the patioence you described above. I knew they yell talking was saying hey I am here ! do you see me ? and I did what I should do and gave him attention love and comfort. But the yell talking has continued. My grandsons thirst for attention has just resulted in him attempting to take his three year old brother out for a bike ride while I was fixing the fence. I cannot turn my back on either of them or I lose things I cherish. So I have locked up everything I value that is still left after two years of this behaviour. My daughter is overwhelmed with being a single mother with a non existant father. I know my daughter feels helpless about this situation but I am overwhelmed. and I am old and I also work. I watch them until she comes home from her job and then i go to mine as a landscaper. I raised my children myself because my husband was an alcoholic. I know my daughter punishes me for the poverty this inflicted and the attention she never got because I worked and her brother has aspbergers and is very syslexic. so she suffered. but i had no family to help me. but i have always been there whenever she asked me to be. always. no matter what the cost to me. i have felt i owed her but i am burning out and my grandson has just broken my cookie jar that belonged to my memories of when my children were little and things were good. i cannot keep giving him attention and ignoring the three year olds needs who breaks things now to get attention. i know a cry for help when i see one. this is different. this is purposeful control over the happiness of others. he dicides if we have a good day or a bad day.

By: janet

janet — Thu, 11 Mar 2021 16:25:34 +0000

In reply to Jo Marie Safier. What a beautiful comment, Jo Marie! I agree that empathy is what it's all about -- in ALL our relationships. Thank you so much for all your kind words and support. You've got this!

By: Jo Marie Safier

Jo Marie Safier — Thu, 11 Mar 2021 05:33:13 +0000

Your words bear such deep wisdom and they have impacted my mothering deeply. Thank you. This sounds like excellent advice that we can all learn from. I want to tattoo “EMPATHY” on my hand some days to remind myself each time she tests me where it’s really coming from. What’s funny is that The empathy path always makes the way less difficult, yet can be so hard to employ in the moment!

Parenting really is the most excellent role I’ve ever been gifted, and I have grown to love that there is never-ending improvement to be made. It gives you something to reflect on and work on each and every day — if you choose.

Your work has inspired me, driven me, and given me peace and confidence that I can always be better tomorrow. Thank you so much for the work you do.

By: Liz

Liz — Mon, 01 Apr 2019 03:42:33 +0000

I wish I could truly feel this unlimited empathy! My daughter is 4, she is so smart and can be very expressive. Sometimes she tests repeatedly, creatively until my calm starts to disappear. So I wonder when the child has an endless supply of testing behavior, what is going on. She does tend to save that up for me, it can be intense. I’m not always great at the10th thing as I am the first 9… anyway I will work on connecting to begin with, maybe I’m not doing that!

By: Why Would you Journal at 4 am – deliberatelydanielle

Why Would you Journal at 4 am – deliberatelydanielle — Tue, 06 Nov 2018 20:04:16 +0000

[…] may listen to a podcast by one of my favorite gentle mommy bloggers Janet Landsbury like this one, How to Help Destructive Behavior , and listen to her wise words while I doodle and […]

By: Maura

Maura — Thu, 18 Oct 2018 21:55:52 +0000

Connecting. Thank you! I am a SAHM and I just couldn’t believe I wasn’t giving my daughter enough attention (the connecting kind) and when I was honest with myself I knew it was true. I was really sad, but, as Taryn mentioned, I forgave myself and got to it: I make better boundaries so I can get my Me time and then I sit with her and color. I made time to play out back with her, rather than read a book happy to have her running and playing imagination. Yes, she can occupy herself, but, wow, when I am there she just beams with her whole body. I also am sure to hug and being in contact with her and let her get her emotions out. I have more energy for this because I got better with my boundaries and getting my space. I am not perfect—I forget to rest enough—but I am more aware and less a victim to the situation. Thanks Janet.

By: Taryn

Taryn — Thu, 04 Oct 2018 05:53:10 +0000

Dear Janet,
Thank you so much for this. I mean, really. It’s encouragement to keep working towards being unruffled with our 4-year old. We have a 6-week old at home and while he’s been very sweet with her, I’ve have bore the brunt of his anger with almost every evening including him punching and kicking me. I have such a hard time keeping it together because it all makes me so sad. I miss my sweet boy and I don’t always have the wherewithal to keep calm and unruffled with him when he lashes out. Maybe if I read this each morning that would help. Thanks for encouraging parents to forgive ourselves and keep moving in the right direction.

By: Hannah

Hannah — Wed, 03 Oct 2018 19:01:24 +0000

Janet this was fantastic thank you so much! I have also not been seeing cries for help in my child acting like he can’t do anything!! I’m not sure completlry how to help him do you have an article for this? Like I can’t put on my shoes, I can’t climb
On the chair I can’t feed myself and really crying about it. He gives
A good reason like He doesn’t like the feel of the food etc. Anyway thanks again and I’m sure there will be no backlash!

By: Madeleine

Madeleine — Wed, 03 Oct 2018 18:43:53 +0000

Hi janet,
Yes, this approach makes total sence!
Thank you!