What is it that I’m confident about exactly? I feel better and they feel better when I let them do whatever and instead i spend my energy on myself and my passions. The only thing that prevents me from just letting them be is MY OWN fear of being a failure as a mom. That’s not a good reason?! How do a be a leader and model adult behavior when I’m more fearful than they are? Who is actually leading who here? It makes no sense to me anymore. What happens when we fall into the deep end as parents and question too much, losing our grounding? My own resistance is growing and I’m not sure I can overcome it. I’m not sure I even want to. I have faith in love and in us, but that doesnt inspire me to lead. I feel like I get nothing out of it. Being a leader is too hard, why do we even do it?

Yes it does! I’m afraid of this too. What if my confident momentum causes me to miss that she actually really needs something from me in that moment and I’m brushing her off?

I would really love your thoughts on this too Janet!

I agree with Tess and was thinking the same thing. Curious about how my 3 year old is going to learn that his actions can cause others harm or frustration and he need to learn that those actions can have consequences (such as people not wanting to be around him). Thoughts on this Janet?

Yes, to this! I was worked with children for over 20 years and this is so true. It’s so hard to explain to someone who hasn’t worked in the childcare field.

The most enjoyable families that I nannied for, were the families that provided structure and had a no-nonsense relationship with their children. The parents were in charge. Firm, but that doesn’t mean not loving.
And I actually saw such a big difference in the parenting styles and the behaviors of children, that when it was a time to start my own family, I knew that I would parent the same way. I always say, parenting in itself is exhausting enough – the laundry, the meal planning, the constant care that children require, that I wanted to make sure the rest was relatively enjoyable.

I’ll have to add though, my husband, he didn’t set the same tone with our children. With him working many hours, or him not having much experience with children, he let discipline slide and because of that, our two boys act differently with him. They don’t listen as well and I have to step in. Children are very bright and pick up quickly as to what is accepted and allowed in regards of their behavior. And even though I am the no-nonsense parent, they still love my husband and I the same. ☺️

It’s good that you are able to anticipate that stress, that you’ve recognized a pattern. It gives the perfect opportunity to model accepting emotions while continuing through them, to paraphrase Janet’s post. I do this for myself like so: “I notice that I am tense & stressed because of my past experiences with similar situations, and these are okay, to feel worried about things happening at the right time with everyone happy, because these are normal things everyone feels sometimes. I accept that I feel this way and continue to do the next right thing & the next thing right, to do my best & accept my best. Emotions tell me where I’m at, not defining what I’m capable of. I’m engaging the fullness of my experience by being aware of my feelings in the moment while pushing on; my feelings indicate to me how important it is to me that I do keep going, to use that to propel me & give me confidence instead of slow me down.” This has helped me, and I hope it can help you!

Do you think there is any possibility that the approach of remaining emotionally unaffected by your child’s behavior might end up with the child not understanding how their behavior affects others? If they can yell and scream at a parent will that turn into yelling and screaming at a partner because their self expression is more important than how they make others feel? I’ve noticed sometimes when my toddler is having a fit and yelling and saying mean things, if I try to stay unruffled and unbothered he keeps going, but if I sit down and hang my head and say his words make me sad, he feels bad and stops the fit much sooner and comes over and hugs me. Obviously we don’t want to hand over emotional control to our children. But I’m just wondering if there is some kind of balance we need to strike between being the strong confident leader that nothing phases and teaching children the value of being vulnerable and encouraging empathy. I guess I don’t understand how we can be encouraging full emotional expression in children when the parent isn’t expressing the emotions that arise from the child’s behavior (anger, frustration, sadness, etc) at all.

Hi! Would love to know the details of your morning. Also, I have a couple of posts specifically about getting out the door in the mornings. Here, I’ll link them in case you’re interested.

This one’s a written post: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2015/09/the-secret-to-getting-out-the-door-with-a-resistant-child/

This is a podcast that may be better to listen to, rather than read: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2018/05/getting-dressed-daily-struggle/

I am struggling with daily battles to get dressed, brush teeth/hair. If I respond playfully and calmly, it’s a battle. If I lose my cool and my frustration shines through, it’s a battle. It feels like no matter what I do, I end up man-handling and forcing my daughter through the actions to get out the door. Welcoming the drama doesn’t change the fact that it’s a struggle that is getting increasingly difficult as my daughter gets stronger! I don’t know what to do.

Absolutely have the same issue. My guy just laughs hysterically to this sort of chill attitude and I have to physically pick him up and essentially man handle him into his clothes, with him laughing and wiggling the whole time trying to restart the “game”. Now that I’m 33 weeks pregnant I can’t safely lift and control him physically. It seems every answer boils down to that though, the “I see you need my help, I’m going to take you by the hand” etc all requires physical intervention.