Comments on: Should We Give a Screaming Toddler What He Wants?

By: Sheila

Sheila — Tue, 25 Oct 2022 02:36:36 +0000

In reply to Beverly C. Hi Beverly, separating kids when they misbehave and putting them in a room might send them the message that they are only accepted, loved, wanted when they behave according to the expectations.

By: Claire

Claire — Fri, 08 Apr 2022 06:32:28 +0000

Hi. Thanks so much for this. My baby is a bit younger, 11 months. But I’m trying to start this transion out of infant to toddler with good habits.
The bit about not picking them up if they are upset and it’s not safe e.g. when cooking. This is something I definitely do. I’m worried that he can’t understand that now it’s not safe and other times it is. When he is clearly communicating he wants to be picked up, I want to encourage communication, so picking him up shows communication works. I feel it will be confusing if sometimes I don’t pick him up. I use words to explain I can’t now, but he won’t understand that yet. And also as a small baby I would respond to his crying as it was usually a need, I’m not sure when I can start leaving him crying, without that making him feel neglected?

By: Beverly C

Beverly C — Fri, 10 Sep 2021 10:15:52 +0000

I am the grandmother of two sets of pre-pubescent boys, ages 3-7. The children of my daughter, who is a pediatrician, eat their means at table without fussing or crying or objecting to the food offered — which they don’t have to eat but are not offered any alternative “childrens food.” My daughter is a busy physician who prepares one dinner nightly that the family eats together. These two boys (ages 3 and 7) never pitch temper tantrums, never demand to be given treats or gifts. They put their toys away and at their bedtimes (on the occasions I’ve been their caregiver) they tell me what time they need to prepare for bed and they brush their teeth. They sleep through the night and wake up singing in the morning. This is not to say these kids don’t get upset or angry, frustrated or overtired. But if they begin to be unreasonable and demanding, they are removed from the company of others to their room and the door is closed. They many rejoin the family when they are calm and kind and reasonable. It is a joy to be with them. My other grandsons, the children of my son, live the opposite of this life. They break down in hysterics over being told no about anything, they eat only candy and junk food that they graze on all day, they pitch temper tantrums if their parents don’t respond immediately to their needs. They don’t sleep through the night and they are exhausted most of the day. They have diciplinary problems at school. Their parents calmly try to reason with them, soothe them and acknowledge their distress at all times. This has been the pattern their entire lives. I dread having them come to stay because they are human hurricanes who are miserable nearly all the time. I love them dearly but can’t say a word to their parents for fear of alienating them. My daughters children have never been physically punished, verbally abused or harshly reprimanded. They are merely separated from family life when they make family life unpleasant and untenable to manage peacefully. They are loving, laughing, curious and intellectually engaged boys who understand the limits of their ability to cause mayhem. My daughter, who enjoyed training her beloved dog before she had children told me: I learned everything I needed to know about raising kids when I trained a dog. You tell them to do something one time and then you make sure it is done. No pleading, no cajoling, no bargaining, no bribes.

By: Kate

Kate — Tue, 03 Dec 2019 16:24:16 +0000

Hi, I’m wondering if you would still give the same answer for an older toddler. My daughter is 32 months old and very verbal. She is easily upset and screams demands at me. When she was younger, I noticed it was mostly regarding food. For example, she would scream “I need my water” or “I want this…” It seemed she was hungry and tired. I would pass her what she wanted but I would also calmly say, “you really need your water. Mommy is here to help. You can just say “water please” and I will help.” Through tears, she would try to calmly make the request. I didn’t force it or anything. Overall, things have gotten better but she still screams orders at me sometimes. I sort of wonder now if I should demand that she ask in a nice way. The other day, she yelled at me to pass her her smoothie which was actually right in front of her and she could have picked it up on her own. I told her how she needed to ask if she wanted me to pass it to her. She refused. After quite some time…maybe 15 minutes, she picked it up herself.

By: Christina

Christina — Fri, 24 May 2019 03:58:35 +0000

I have the same questions as Brooke and Jessaca above. When do we offer these important life skills of alternatives to crying or whining to handle feeling? As a mom to a 22 month old, he would get easily frustrated when trying new tasks and start to fuss and often look to ya for help. I would acknowledge that he sounded frustrated and he could say “help me” if he needed help or he could just continue to work through it. He rarely fusses when trying new things now because he can ask for help if he wants us to intervene and this can come in the form of asking questions, encouraging or helping. So is that an example of squashing his emotions? It’s such a delicate balance.

By: Jessaca

Jessaca — Wed, 10 Apr 2019 22:52:56 +0000

My question is similar to Brooke’s…your last comment is: “But she doesn’t need to set boundaries around the way he expresses himself.” At what age (roughly) do you recommend setting those boundaries? I understand an 18 month old might be asking too late as you mentioned or can’t get the words out, needs to let the feelings go, etc. How do we safely set those boundaries for how an age appropriate child can express themselves and also let them know it’s still acceptable to have big emotions, cry if they need to and so on. I’m finding that balance difficult with my 3.5yr old.

By: Brooke

Brooke — Wed, 10 Apr 2019 17:56:41 +0000

Thank you Janet for yet another really helpful episode! I have 18 months old twins and, surprisingly, weathering these storms has been much easier than with my first, who is now 3. Perhaps because I don't have time to get caught up in them - there are two other children who need something at all times! But my question is regarding my 3 year old, who does now have the language to articulate his wants and needs. At what age do you recommend challenging the ways in which children make demands by asking for more appropriate verbal expressions (i.e. not whining, screaming, crying, when asking for something)? I feel like I have been able to embody the RIE approach, mostly, until recently with my 3 year old. It could be that I expect too much. Or, I'm overwhelmed with the quantity (and volume!) of crying and whining between the three of them and he's an easy target because he can communicate somewhat. Either way, I do feel that I am struggling to make the transition from toddler to big kid with him and would love some insight. Thanks again

By: Christie

Christie — Wed, 10 Apr 2019 10:09:51 +0000

Thank you Janet, you must have been a fly on the wall in our house lately! Our 2y4mo boy has recently started completely melting down over most things… he is 0 to 100000 decibels within seconds, and has recently began hitting during the tantrums as well. He has always been extremely expressive, assertive and has had language and communication skills well beyond his years since around 13months. We never had this behaviour with our first boy, so this has taken us totally by surprise! It is usually around when he ‘wants’ – to get down himself, to open the gate first, his backpack, not to do something, the toy etc. Your article has really helped me to understand how to lovingly and supportively deal with these behaviours. I already mostly understood where it was coming from and why it was happening – but still couldn’t help but blame our parenting somewhat, and my default reaction when busy or tired etc is to be angry at him or just ignore him. Especially with he ear splitting screaming and hitting! Unfortunately sometimes there is no choice but to manhandle him screaming from his brothers school gate, or rugby hold him through the underground station, or to just keep doing what needs to be done such as dinner or driving or tending to another child… What would you suggest in these situations – when you can’t be fully present for the toddler to validate them when feeling the big feels? Just verbally validate? Thanks so much. X