Comments on: When Your Child Is Unkind (She Needs Your Help)

By: Felicia

Felicia — Sun, 14 May 2023 12:32:49 +0000

What about when the older 4.5 yo seems to just say things to the younger one regularly? I mean, sure you can say at some point he was annoyed with his sister or has experienced frustration but the constant taunting etc. does not seem to a direct reaction to his sister. For example, “you don’t have this!” “You can’t do this….”on and on. The youngest is honestly usually not even interacting with him when he says this and is usually upset by it. I feel like I don’t want to take sides and she is also constantly being verbally taunted. Janet, you’d say “ignore it” but what if our children don’t ignore it….the ones being subjected to it….

By: Alison

Alison — Mon, 31 Jan 2022 12:00:02 +0000

In reply to Kelsie. Yikes, I would feel the consequences would exacerbate that relationship dynamic and possibly pit them against each other if consequences are involved.

By: Iris loftis

Iris loftis — Sun, 16 May 2021 23:38:33 +0000

Whoa. So many words about something so little. I did not read the incident about the “ boastful” boy but, if I am correct that he said “hey, you were slower and I was faster”…I don’t think he was boasting at all but merely stating a fact. Now, had he prefaced that with nah, nah, nah, nah that sets a completely different tone to it but he did not. In fact, he may have just as easily said “you were faster and I was slower, had HE lost the race. We’ll never know.

By: Pycnogonida

Pycnogonida — Sat, 15 May 2021 19:04:14 +0000

In reply to Andrea.

Andrea, shush.

That advice is SEVERELY lacking in empathy, and seems fit for a fantasy world, not the one we actually live in.
We evolved to find others’ interactions with us/choices towards us meaningful. You’re victim-blaming here, implying that when someone is actively trying to hurt us, that we ought to take responsibility for that ourselves, and if we feel hurt when, again, they are ACTIVELY TRYING TO HURT US, that it’s our own fault for “choosing” to feel that way.

You’re welcome to try to maintain that attitude FOR YOURSELF, if you like. It’s divorced from reality and from human nature, but you do you.
Just don’t try to impose that on others, or imply that they’re weak or wrong for feeling normal human feelings.

By: Tyrone

Tyrone — Sat, 18 Jan 2020 01:16:18 +0000

Can you please stop referring to tantrums as “meltdowns”, they are not one and the same.

By: Jennifer Gnolfo

Jennifer Gnolfo — Mon, 14 Oct 2019 03:45:36 +0000

In reply to Andrea. This approach makes a lot of sense, and though it is hard to achieve, I will try to shoot for the non-critical, calm approach to unkind behavior. My child today did a twist on this. He was plotting aloud to me to delay his bath so as to make his sister take her bath at a time where she would miss breakfast with the beloved Grandmother. Basically, he was acting out of an interest to make his sister miss something and feel bad. He does this a lot. I could not resist the urge to lecture. He just turned 8. "When we make decisions out of a wish to harm others, that is not the best decision." I get that he's struggling with feeling like he wanted to harm his sister, and that by saying it aloud to me, he may have been asking for help. What can I say in this situation that's not judgmental or preachy and helps him take the higher road? I can definitely dictate what time he takes his bath, but do I address the feelings or try to teach a lesson?

By: Andrea

Andrea — Fri, 17 May 2019 11:39:53 +0000

Hi Janet, thank you for everything you do. My relationship with my son has completely changed since I started using your concepts. I’ve been a loyal listener for awhile now and don’t usually leave comments online. But I felt very compelled to with this episode with regards to one little thing you said. Here’s what you said:

What I would say would be, “I can’t let you talk that way, that can hurt feelings. I can’t let you do that.”

If you truly believe people can hurt each other’s feelings, I hope you’ll reconsider this. This is never true. And believing this as a child most definitely hurts us when we become adults. I hope you’ll consider that it isn’t possible for us to hurt each other’s feelings. We are all responsible for our own thoughts and feelings.

Thanks again for everything you do. I truly appreciate you.

By: Kelsie

Kelsie — Thu, 16 May 2019 17:38:09 +0000

Would it ever be appropriate for there to be consequences (i.e no TV shows the rest of the day, earlier bedtime, etc) for being unkind to a younger sibling? Our five year old daughter will say bully-like unkind things to our three-year old daughter. This seems to have started since our three-month old daughter was born, and it is more often happening after the five-year old has been at preschool. So I know it is strongly correlating to the new sibling and having controlled herself all afternoon at preschool. She is a very sensitive girl also.

By: S

Thu, 16 May 2019 12:34:20 +0000

Hi Janet – thank you for this! Two questions:
– with physical things (hitting and kicking) it’s easy to show how you can’t let the child do the thing, by blocking for example. But with words, is it simply removing the kid from the situation? Sometimes that is not possible – like if the child is using similar words with you, the parent. How do you not let a child do something they have total control over (ie their words)?
– what to do if your child is on the receiving end of these kinds of taunts and is upset or deflated by them, and the other child’s parents are not around to do anything about it?

By: Nicole

Nicole — Thu, 16 May 2019 04:40:34 +0000

Thank you Janet for wonderful, timely advice. As a family day care educator I have been struggling with how to respond to a 4 year old in my care who is frequently unkind to the other children. You have reminded me just how much she needs my support!