My son was really getting into hitting, kicking, throwing and slamming his door around the time of getting tired before bedtime, starting around age 4.5. It didn’t seem to matter how early I’d try to get him started before bed, this behaviour was happening. It started around when his little sister was around 2 and very verbal and who was developing quite rapidly.

I handled it often as you suggested, with an attitude of calm, “this will pass, I’m here to keep you safe and I love you”. But for safety, it would kind of take all of me, even though I remained calm and with an attitude as you suggest. It would then escalate until suddenly, he might bang his kicking foot or hitting hand on something in his room (edge of bed or something), he would then release with a big cry, and then fall asleep. He was entirely out of himself. I found it incredibly bewildering – it was almost like a seizure.

I eventually spoke with him (around age 4.75) during times of true regulation during the day. I decided just to calmly say that I noticed that we were getting into a bit of a rut, or a habit of seeing this behaviour and it’s actually just not safe. I asked if he could think of something else he could do instead. He didn’t think of anything to start with but suddenly he started kicking a balloon, then hitting it. I was there, watching him. He looked at me with a knowing eye. He FOUND something! I looked back at him and said: “yes! you found something!!” “are you feeling like hitting or kicking? hit the balloon! you’re allowed to feel what you feel… and you’re allowed to hit and kick and throw the balloon as much as you want!!”
He practiced a few times in the day, then again at night…

Since that time, he has also recognized that he just wants hugs and snuggle time, and generally more time with me, like special time. So we’ve talked about that, and that I always have hugs and snuggles for him. He now asks for hugs when he feels that behaviour creeping up on him. We’ve also made more time for special time. It’s quite remarkable.

I also told him that for safety reasons, I would allow him to choose 5 hard toys to keep in his room and we would store the rest somewhere else so that if he started throwing, it would be easier to keep take hard toys out to keep him safe.

It was a major breakthrough to speak openly with him in a regulated moment and come up with solutions together.

Thank you ever so much for what you do, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.

Following as well. I think my husband would say it is, but I’d have to disagree. If they need your presence and you are giving it to them, I think that’s wonderful. If I’m on the phone however, and my daughter starts screaming for me because she knows I’m on the phone, I won’t get off the phone if it’s important and I try to explain to her that I need her to wait just a few more minutes. In this situation she’s not in any danger and I need her to know I need that time to take care of something important.

Following

My 3 year old (almost 4 years now) goes into a “fight or flight” two or three times a day. Since the pandemic its much more. (understandably…) After the anger, frustration, physical lashing out, he then runs around like he’s on fire and wants to be left alone. He will go into another room, roll back and fourth on the floor while verbally working all his frustration out. He’s been doing this since he was 2.

My approach is that I don’t say a word once I see this happening, I let him run. I stay close but out of site, and within a matter of minutes he will call out to me.
My husband will insist on quietly and kindly attempting to reasoning with him, but my son gets even angrier and the episode turns more dramatic. My husband will give up and I take over with my approach.
When I hear him call to me, I swoop in and pick him up. He says he’s sorry and kisses me and hugs me tightly. I do the same. Then an intense bond happens every time. We acknowledge what made him so upset and I tell him how I won’t let him hurt me or his brother or his dad (who ever it was). He always says how sorry he is and will even bring it up later that he is sorry he did that before.

So with the pandemic, our in-laws haven’t been able to fly back home (they are visiting us and staying with us) in addition to both my husband and I being home and of course both kids schools are shut. Everyone’s feelings are big inside our house right now. Lots of opinions.

My mother-in-law sees these episodes and it really freaks her out. It upsets her very much that I let him act it out until he calms himself. So with this, she’s taken on her own approach of picking him up and holding him tightly, telling him things like “you’re ok” and “don’t cry” and “you can stop crying, I will help you”. Its all very loving and kind all the while he is kicking and screaming to be let go, but eventually he does stop and she experiences the same exact bond as I do when it’s over.

Watching her pick him up and hold him tight until he stops really upsets me inside. I’m not sure how to approach the situation, because I’m second guessing my approach and now my husband is siding with his mom and I feel like I’m handling this alone. Is what I’m doing the right thing? And if it is, why is it right? It feels right to me, but it does happen all the time and isn’t getting better.

Yes! I have an only child and he would love it when I’d say put away what you dint want anyone to play with (usually 2/3 things, not bad! ) and some rules on the others. He’d usually say he just wants to be asked and don’t throw some particular toy on the floor.
He really only needed this one time from whoever came over and then he just forgot about it and it was open play. I think it was just the respect given to him that they were his things and that he had a choice in how he shared them As he is not used to sharing in his home as the only child and it seems threatening to him. But now he rarely sets boundaries and is an easy sharer with friends when over. ☺️

thanks

Hi Sarah – Your son’s feelings are not uncommon. I’m wondering if you have a younger child or if there might be another reason that your son feels sensitive about opening up his home and toys, etc., to others. Regardless of the reason, it can help to offer your son more of a sense of control by having him dictate the curriculum or select which toys to make available and which ones to put away.