I think what she means is that the daughter won’t follow her into another room. Just stay distraught in the original room.

Hi Nikki! I’m so sorry to hear that you are having this difficulty. Can you help me understand what you mean by “refused to come to me”? What is the reason you are requesting that she come to you.

My daughter absolutely refuses to come to me, it results in her hyperventilating and staying in the other room. She will be extremely distraught, very anxious. I am feeling it’s really hard to hold this confident approach because it effects her so much and we went through some trauma in her early years. But she needs me with her at all times and does not seem to be responding to any of the things I’ve learned from you. Feeling a bit at my wits end!

Hi Kitty! The mom is getting stuck because she is trying to actively engage in everything her children say. She seems to feel (as many of us do) that it is our obligation, even if the child is pushing us to our limit. It’s more of a codependent approach – that our children need to be satisfied at all times for our world to be okay. If the father is not experiencing this pushing from the children — only the mother is getting this — then it’s likely because he does not have this same need to fix and satisfy everything the children are expressing. He does not get into this kind of stuck place with the children, and that’s healthy. When children keep pushing something, it’s because on some level, they are seeking a boundary, a leader, who is okay with not appeasing them.

“Right, because he doesn’t have this particular issue and they’re not getting stuck in something with him.”

How is the mom getting stuck, by responding ? How is the dad not getting stuck? Is he ignoring it?

Wonderful! Hope it helps, it’s my pleasure to share the ideas that have helped me so much. Please keep me posted!

This podcast was balm for my soul and cut to the heart of my perennial struggles with my 21-month-old. I found myself tearing up at the way you opened this episode with self-compassion and listened to it multiple times. I wonder if you’ve ever considered developing mantras or affirmations inspired by RIE? Several of the themes here felt like they’d lend themselves to this (including holding space for children as separate from us, setting the pace, and holding boundaries).

While I’m here, I have to note that it would be amazing to hear a brief note of self-compassion at the start of each podcast. To be honest, I had taken a break from your podcast because I often left them feeling like I was failing. Keeping these messages up front regularly would be a huge help for me and maybe others who listen.

Thank you for your work!

THank you. This is so helpful at this time in our life. I will start building my “softener-protection” against my own behaviour. Thank you so much.