Comments on: Why Bribes and Threats Aren’t Helpful (and What to Do Instead)

By: Anne Cutler

Anne Cutler — Tue, 16 Nov 2021 21:38:33 +0000

I agree about needing more examples and information. I happily set boundaries, and am in agreement with everything you wrote. However, I also need advise on what to do when there is a situation with no boundary to set. For example, you say the boundary you give for a child around “rest time” is that it’s their time to be in their room. But what if the child continues to leave the room? I suppose there is an obvious option to lock the door, if a parent was comfortable with that.

Even if you advocate for locking the door, there are other examples that don’t have such an obvious option. For example, my 5 year old will sometime screams or bang on the door to disturb the baby while she’s sleeping or while we’re trying to get her to sleep. If the baby is asleep in the other room on her own, I can in theory physically contain the 5 year old if she starts heading that way and set that limit (though in practice I’m not always quick enough). But if I have to hold the baby during her nap or am trying to get her down, and nobody else is home, how can I set a boundary with this? Locking the door only leads to loud banging.

It is clear something else is going on and the adjustment to the new addition is not easy for the older one, which I’m very empathetic to. We are doing our best to make more and more special time with her and allow her feelings around it (and everything else). It seems she needs a boundary with this though, and I just don’t have one. You’re advocating boundaries, but there is no boundary I can see here without a threat or reward. My solution is to allow her to watch TV during these times, which may just be the age appropriate thing to do. However, am I just in this case teaching her that if she is loud enough that I’ll let her watch her show?

Please advise.

By: Cat

Cat — Thu, 04 Mar 2021 04:56:31 +0000

Yes, I too feel like the solution needs to be more clear. My 4 year old refuses to do everything: taking a shower, brushing teeth, washing hands before meals, eating more balanced meal instead of just one thing on her plate (ie only bread) – just really basic things that I feel are essential and she needs to do, and there is no way I can get her to do any of them without a bribe or threat.

By: Rachelle

Rachelle — Sun, 27 Dec 2020 18:58:04 +0000

In reply to Kirsty. We do something called the “snuggle brush” where, after they’ve had a chance to brush on their own, my daughters sits sideways in my lap and I help her with the rest. Jennifer Anderson talks about it in her teeth brushing highlight on her instagram page: kids.eat.in.colour. I also brush my teeth with my 3.5 year old and 16 month old, as it models the behaviour.

By: Christie

Christie — Thu, 15 Oct 2020 15:33:56 +0000

I agree that bribes and threats don’t work and are not conducive to developing a healthy relationship. But I think you need to provide more of a solution for the mom who’s problem does not revolve around something clear and simple like safety, but rather something more abstract around mental health. I don’t think that preschoolers understand that they need to nap so they can function better; they seem to think that they are missing out on something more fun than a nap. In which case I don’t see it as a bribe to say something like “you need to take a nap so we can do more fun things (or specify the activities) in the afternoon otherwise we will only be able to do XYZ (and maybe even add in “because you will be grumpy”, if that’s your child’s disposition).” It gives the child a concrete concept to grasp onto, potentially identifies an emotion for them, and gives a concrete consequence of if/when they do not nap, provided that the parent actually follows up with what they say.

By: Noelle

Noelle — Thu, 15 Oct 2020 14:35:37 +0000

This is exactly what we’re dealing with right now with our 2.5 year old son. I do appreciate this advice but I also don’t think it’s enough on the “cooperative activities” side of things. Our son has become very resistant to things like helping pick up toys, going to potty/wash hands before meals, and helping set the table.

If we just tell him that we have to put away toys before taking out new toys, he just will leave out the old toys and not take out new toys. We have had to take it a step further and tell him that if he can’t put away certain toys after playing with them, then he can’t play with those particular toys for the rest of the day because that is the deal with using toys. It does feel like a threat but otherwise I’m just cleaning up his toys and feeling like I’m getting steamrolled :/

And for setting the table, I want to teach him that everyone in our family is important, has responsibilities and helps out in our family community. And I explain this to him. I’m sure he understands because he’s very precocious in language and surprisingly rational. But that doesn’t always convince him. Sometimes he’d rather be playing with something and then we have said to him that if the thing that he’s playing with is distracting him from his family responsibilities, then we are going to have to remove that particular toy for now.

He’s generally a helpful guy and often asks to help with my chores. But it doesn’t always work to just ask him politely to do *his* chores if there are no consequences for not doing them.

By: Kirsty

Kirsty — Thu, 15 Oct 2020 10:24:53 +0000

I still feel like I need an answer on tooth brushing. It’s true that bribes and threats don’t work, but I can’t force it on a 4 year old so what can I do?