Comments on: When a Child’s Emotions Seem Fake and Manipulative

By: Kate

Kate — Tue, 12 Sep 2023 09:36:41 +0000

Janet, what if the child is almost 10? Yes, my child has had some trauma, and I have done/ am always doing my best to support them through this. They have come a long way, I am proud of them and let them know. I am always praising the good, and helping them work through the rest. But there are some behaviours that shock me, because they seem like things they should have grown out of/ learned how to manage better. Such as deliberately upsetting younger siblings, throwing wobblies over minor upsets, pushing endlessly at bedtime, refusing medical assistance (we haven’t had a large history of medical care, nor a bad experience, so…). It’s very frustrating. They are my eldest, so I don’t have any experience that might inform me how normal or abnormal this is. I use methods like yours as much as possible. Like I said, we’ve made a huge amount of progress, but given the child has a Narcissistic ex parent I feel triggered by some of these behaviours. Yes, I recognize why I am triggered, and am pretty good at managing my emotions most of the time. At least I hope I’m modeling how to be human in the healthiest way possible. But I have to ask, is this normal? What can I do better? How else can I support them? I am not specifying gender to protect the identity of my child.

By: S Denby

S Denby — Thu, 13 Oct 2022 15:41:23 +0000

In reply to Elise Parker. I agree. I had a brother who “parented” this way and now has a college aged child who expects everyone to “acknowledge “ her feelings. Understanding why a child is mad is one thing, accepting it is another. Teach your child how to properly express their emotions so their life is not more difficult than it needs to be. There is nothing wrong with saying to your child “Why are you acting that way. It’s just a TV”. Let them know there are boundaries and they crossed them. Give them something to process and grow from. This is why we have kids wanting litter boxes in schools. Parents didn’t take the time to parent and guide their child through their attention seeking behaviors.

By: Jin

Jin — Wed, 09 Mar 2022 13:36:30 +0000

In reply to Elise Parker.

But they ARE educated their kid that tantruming over everything won’t make anything better. She says to acknowledge the emotion then hold to your boundaries. Do not turn the tv back on.
The main alternative that I see is the parents responding very frustrated, even yelling. “Stop crying. Why are you crying? It’s just TV!” Who is that helping? Parents constantly invalidate their kids’/teens’ feelings because we value different things, and our brains are different. Who is that helping?
Meet children where they are. Acknowledge their feeling. Hold to your boundaries.

By: Elise Parker

Elise Parker — Fri, 04 Feb 2022 23:09:37 +0000

You’re so undeniably WRONG. Not all emotions are valid because some are extremely destructive, hatred-rage (so much emotion that you “have” to physically react), like turning the tv off is not only wildly inappropriate it’s concerning. Emotion is important but not at the expense of everything and everyone around you, and why kids don’t have this reaction as they grow is because their parents, parent; they educate their kid that tantruming over everything won’t make anything better. As well as later in reality when you do that in public or in your house to a spouse, friends, family, their future kids; police come, legal actions are taken, there’s no place for that in the world around us. You’re teaching them that all that they feel is good and right, even encourage it. It is hurtful to them and it robs them of the tools they need for their future in adulthood. “One size fits all” then there’s no difference between their friend passing or a booboo on their toe and that is lazy and disrespectful to them as young people trying to navigate the new world and people around them.

By: Sarah

Sarah — Sun, 21 Nov 2021 03:29:22 +0000

In reply to Nikki. As long as he is getting enough nutrients over a two week period, he will be okay. Also, are there a few specific fruits and veggies he likes? Go with them. My daughter was willing to eat yams and broccoli, so that’s what w are regularly. She would also like at carrots as long as there was ranch dressing. Sure, that worked for me. We found a few healthy foods and as she tried new foods we could add more to the list. He will be okay. Don’t let food stress you out. You’ve got this mama!

By: Nikki

Nikki — Sun, 19 Sep 2021 15:01:41 +0000

Glad to read this one today as I’m struggling with the same drama with my three year old. I’m pregnant and not sleeping well so some days feels overly tired and not really able to cope with him. Sometimes I am able to get my husband to take over for a while whilst I recover some energy but on the days I can’t I find myself hating the way I’m responding to him, as if I’m fed up with him. I think, like the mum in the story, I feel i have to say or do the right thing when he reacts and be present with him until he is ok and if I did that we would be here all day!!! So I really like the billboard metaphor. I also find that my reaction is tied up with my anxiety about him barely wanting to eat anything I make. He will have a whole meal with veggies about three times a month, otherwise he is happy on a diet of bread, cream cheese, fruit, yoghurt and cereals…and of course anything sweet that happens to be on offer. He has such a lot to process at the moment, starting preschool and expecting a new baby soon. It just also happens that I am also processing these things too!! And my ability to cope is really challenged by all this and being tired. Anyone with advice or the same experience please do share, thank you x

By: Carrie Carbo

Carrie Carbo — Wed, 07 Jul 2021 14:55:04 +0000

I can see how stopping progress and talking about the child’s negative emotions can communicate to them that negative emotions are a bigger deal than positive emotions – but I am struggling with how to approach being “present” and “accepting” of big negative emotions while still moving forward. Hearing “you were mad I turned off the TV” and promptly walking away into the kitchen (or whatever the next thing was) rather than stopping to talk about it feels really invalidating. If someone did that to me I’d feel really offended. Could you extrapolate on that?

By: Rick Ackerly

Rick Ackerly — Sun, 25 Apr 2021 16:21:43 +0000

yes, and. It is important to ask yourself “whose problem is this?” I remember a child running on the playground while his parents were talking. The child fell. Before the tears came he looked at his parents and fifteen seconds later began to cry when he say the look on his parents faces. The is a pretty good chance that if they hadn’t even noticed, he would have just gotten up and gotten back to what he was doing.
The empathy and concerned look on their faces was (I think, but I don’t know for sure) the cause of his crying. They both stopped their conversation and came over to him and “took care of him” even though there was no blood or broken bones.