Hi Joanna, I understand you so well. I feel like an awful parent in many of those situations. And i am always so unsure if I do the right thing or not. It costs so much energy to always doubt! I would have loved Janet’s point of view on your experience.
However, just today I had a very interesting experience with my three-year old about a similar Situation. By the end of which he told me that I had been unfriendly to him. He was talking about the moment in which I told him „ok. It’s 8pm now. I am off duty and will do my own things now.“ I didn’t say that very nicely, because I was already annoyed about his stalling and stalling and stalling. And that is what felt so bad. My whole attitude towards him was, as he put it, „not so friendly“. But if I am ok with myself and stay set my boundaries „friendly“ and expect the strong feelings, it doesn’t feel so bad, to have him banging at my door.

By the way, I don’t know what she was ready to apologize for. I don’t think I blamed her for anything. But maybe I did without realizing it.

We talked about how I would be off duty at 8pm to do grown up things. Her bedtime is 730pm. She stalled and stalled and stalled so at 8pm I stopped helping, just as I had explained I would. I announced that I was off duty. I couldn’t leave the house because it’s just she and I here, so I tried sitting to eat my dinner, listen to a podcast, and work out. She cried and screamed and blocked my path the whole time. So I shut myself in my room. She’s banging on the door screaming, “I’m ready to apologize!” And “Why aren’t you letting me in?!” “I calmed down!” “I need a hug!” I feel like a terrible mother. How can this be ok? She has become quieter as I’ve typed this. She laid on the floor to peek under the door. And now as I finish typing this I can hear her snoring on the other side of the door. I still feel cruel.

Thank you so much, Hayley! I really needed that boost today x Janet

I love your open mind, Martina! Please know that I may be one of the few with these views. Me, Magda Gerber, and a few others. 🙂

Wow, that makes total sense! That‘s so true that it sometimes seems inauthentic. It has happened though that I feel it‘s more fun for me too to do something that has to be done anyway in a playful way with the child, but in that case play is not a „parenting tool“, thank you for that perspective!

As to your second question/ point of discussion… Secure attachment is about genuine connection, honesty, responsive care. It’s definitely not about being physically available to our child every time they are upset. We do not threaten attachment by asserting our reasonable boundaries, in fact, we foster it. We DO threaten attachment by taking a co-dependent approach, feeling bound to our child whenever they express displeasure. That’s the feeling of being captive that the parent in the podcast expresses. She wants to run away from her 4-year-old! because she worries that her child will feel abandoned by the most reasonable separation. That dynamic is not healthy for parent or child. Children are aware people who understand our communication and need the right to disagree, strongly, with our choices. They understand completely the difference between separation and abandonment and have since they were infants.

Thank you for such thoughtful comments, Martina! Let me see if I can address your questions… “when the child is in a good place and the caregiver too, and the child just is not really into what the caregiver wants. In that case playfulness is the perfect thing in my opinion.”

I respectfully disagree with that opinion. I don’t believe in using play to coerce a child. In my opinion, play should never be “used” and always be only for the sake of play. Play is very precious to me and I personally could not imagine using it to even subtly manipulate a situation. Also, there are many parents who do not find those kinds of techniques like, “let’s hop like bunnies to your bedroom!” natural. These parents feel pressured by the playful parenting advocates to come up with a game when they are already getting annoyed with their child. To me, that’s totally inauthentic and unnecessary and, I’d even say, a negative experience for both the parent and the child. It encourages parents to try to avoid their child’s feelings, rather than to normalize and accept them. Children deserve our directness and honesty and to be given the freedom to express their displeasure. Play should about fun and genuine connection, not a mask we wear.

So apparently I have some very strong feelings about playful parenting! 🙂 Hope you don’t mind!