I do not like saying no either, so we have been saying “hands off” which is great because that informs LO what she can do. She also used to put her feet on the table, saying no or don’t do that want working. “Feet down” works like a charm!

Hi elizabeth,
My ten year old has autism and I wanted to apply this parenting style when he was young. I think it’s entirely possible to respect your child fully and teach them the things that they aren’t able to pick up through osmosis or modeling, as many children on the spectrum need. Social language often needs to be directly taught and can be done in a matter of fact, loving way. My son so appreciates adults who are straight-forward with him about what they need and are feeling, because he can’t easily read subtleties, facial expressions or body language, which this method assumes kids can read and internalize.

One thing that I have found to be huge raising a child on the spectrum, is that I respect that his brain works in its own way and value that. I am not trying to teach him to act like he doesn’t have autism, or ‘act like other kids’. He has amazing gifts and feels good about himself when those are recognized. I think it is much harder to raise a self-confident child with a disability in our culture, because the culture does not value or respect these differences. So, at home I work to offer him that building up. Some of his teachers are good at it too, but not all.

I would highly recommend the ASAN’s website. It’s the Autism Self-Advocacy Network and they have a lot of good resources. There are also some good Facebook pages like “thinking person’s guide to autism”. I tried to stay away from anything that talked about curing autism or training a child not to act like they have autism as it felt harmful and full of disrespect for the unique person my child is.

I think what’s tricky is that children with additional needs do need more support and teaching, but there are respectful ways to do this. But in many cases you can’t use the method in this article and just wait for them to learn from adult modeling.

Thank you for writing this. My kiddo and I have had a tough summer since he turned 3 in June. There have been a lot of changes this summer, and I know he’s under a lot of stress, but lately I’ve been overwhelmed at times by his frequent tantrums, during which I may struggle to block every hit and kick he sends my way. I feel like people all around me are advising that he needs harsher consequences for these meltdowns, and I started to become worried that my approach (blocking hits, using logical consequences like putting away toys that are thrown. and practicing calm support until he regains composure) would just lead to a child who thinks he can hit or throw things anytime. But my kiddo is such a sweetheart at other times: he thanks me for making dinner, tells his friends he loves them, loves cuddling. I needed some reassurance that we’re on the right track and that I’m helping release hard feelings rather than reinforcing bad behavior. Thanks for all your work.