Comments on: Toilet Troubles

By: Jennifer Smith

Jennifer Smith — Tue, 02 May 2023 16:14:47 +0000

Hi Janet.

My daughter will be 3 in just over a month. We have taken the “follow her lead” approach with toilet training, especially since with our first child, we used rewards and charts, which caused her to be a terrible withholder with pooping. So our second child has already pooped on the toilet all on her own. She just got up one day and said “I have to go poop” and then did it. But it just hasn’t been consistent. She started asking for panties so we allowed them, but there have been pee accidents (the first time it happened, my husband was home sick and I was overwhelmed that day, so I admit I showed some frustration). And also she seems to have a hard time stopping what she’s doing. We always offer her the choice of a diaper or pull-up or panties and the majority of the time now she chooses a diaper. Some days she will ask to use the potty and other days not at all. And when she does, it turns into a game. She will pee and then want to play with the toilet paper. Then she will say she is done and flush and then she will sit back down and say she has to pee again or go poop, but she doesn’t. And when I tell her it looks like she is done and it’s time to get off and I am going to help her down now, it turns into a power struggle most of the time. And then she will refuse to wash her hands and it turns into me physically forcing her to wash them and then it turns into a meltdown. I try to say as little as possible and acknowledge that she does not like what is happening and try to not show my frustration, but it continues to happen. This has especially become an occurrence during the bedtime routine as a stall tactic. Once we finish the bedtime routine we remind her that she can use the potty before bed if she wants to, but once she is in her crib we won’t let her. That has worked, but then the usual stalling while on the toilet continues. I’m just not sure how to get out of this power struggle that we are stuck in right now. And I feel like every time this happens it’s discouraging her. And it’s not just around toilet learning, she is testing our leadership in many other ways. She is a very intelligent, intellectual, and sensitive almost three year old and is extremely verbal so we have always had good communication. But she is just so resistant to help or being told how or what to do and it can quickly turn into a meltdown. I think she is definitely struggling with the transition and letting go. How do I find the balance between confidently letting her lead and stopping the testing/stalling/resisting behaviors?

I am so grateful for you and your work, it has gotten me through so many hard transitions. Thank you.

By: Emily Sloan

Emily Sloan — Wed, 07 Sep 2022 14:20:51 +0000

Our son started having regular pee and poop accidents regularly just before he hit 3 years old after his baby sis was born. He had been PT’d for about 6 months before the regression hit. We went back to full on diapers. After about 5 days of wet, poopy, diapers not changed as often as they should, he got the picture, and realised diapers do not feel as good as they used to. Then after those 5 days, regression gone..

By: Mikaila

Mikaila — Wed, 23 Mar 2022 16:55:43 +0000

In reply to AJ. My 4 year old does the exact same and I have no idea how to stop it either. It’s been happening for quite a while now though and it’s exhausting‍

By: Julie

Julie — Tue, 08 Feb 2022 18:50:15 +0000

Hi Janet, my daughter was fully potty trained and pretty quickly in August. She will be 4 in March. She has since regressed. What it mostly seems like is that she doesn’t want to and or realize when her bpfy is telling her to go potty because she is busy with other things. She doesn’t full on wet her pants, just pees a little and then tells me she needs to go potty. She will also sit on her foot almost to keep her poop in, then poops a little, then comes to tell me. She is very smart and knows what the potty is and what its for. A few likely contributing factors, she was VERY constipated when we started, but now she seems fine pooping on the potty and we have her constipation pretty well under control. We went on vacation right after her bring Night trained and that reversed that a bit. She started a day care in September and it is 100% outdoors. The potties they use are just little cartridge types in a tent. I don’t think she minds it too much. Lastly, I used the Oh crap method, so there was a lot of pantless times and she still prefers to be pantless around the house and when she is, she will go to the potty with out accidents. I’m a single mom so there’s no one else around for her pantlessness… I’ve really tried to let it go, but I also feel like 4 years old is maybe beyond the age where that’s effective. I’m sure she senses my discouragement as it pertains to her having to be fully undressed and regressed when she’s outside, especially now when it’s cold and she’s in full snow bibs. I dont know what to say anymore that doesnt feel like her that im applyimg pressure. Any help would be so greatly appreciated.

By: DENISE WEINER

DENISE WEINER — Tue, 11 May 2021 18:54:36 +0000

Hello, this is a great read. My situation is a little different. My son will be 4 next month and goes to the bathroom no problem at school both pee and poop. However at home it picks and chooses when he wants to use the toilet. I was trying to force and I understand that I might have caused some of the issues. But I am not sure how to help him now. I have pulled back and we went back to pull ups however, I feel like its a game to him on when he wants to use it and he used the toilet just find at daycare. Anything I can do to help make him more comfortable going at home. Thank you Denise

By: Jessica

Jessica — Wed, 05 Aug 2020 12:31:18 +0000

Hi everyone,
My 4 year old has to go to school in 2 weeks. Over here in the Netherlands it is a requirement that they can go to the toilet by themselves, because the teacher can’t help al 28 children with that. But my daughter can’t wipe herself after pooing. And we are getting eager.
It is not that she is resisting and she had more than a year of practice going potty. But when going to the toilet for number 2, she just doesn’t wipe or something.
we tried modeling (letting her watch me when she initiated), a made up wiping song, a pictogram procedure. but nothing helps.

By: Anna

Anna — Thu, 23 Jul 2020 11:39:03 +0000

Hi Janet. I have been reading and listening to your materials on potty learning as we are struggling with our three and a half year old, M. Her twin sister learned in the way you suggest before she was two – really just did it herself – but nursery insisted that we train M when she was about two and a half, saying that she understood and if we waited too long we might miss it. I wasn’t convinced but she was moving up to another class and was not “allowed” nappies there. It was a bit of a disaster and has been so for over a year. Nursery insisted that we did not go back to nappies. I am deeply regretful as we have ended up with all the problems that you’ve mentioned in your materials: she sits down and holds on, she refuses to go, she lies, she will wee or poo in her knickers when the potty is right next to her. She also suffers from constipation and has been having medical help for this – she actually did so before potty training started but it has worsened I’m sure as she holds on. We tried star charts and rewards, choosing her own knickers in the shop and lots of praise for using the loo which I also regret. After these initiatives she often goes well for a week or two then goes back again. We’re never angry but as you say, she likely senses our frustration/disappointment. We recently talked about ideas that might help her have fewer dirty knickers and I suggested nappies and she said no – so we can’t completely back off (and nursery wouldn’t allow it). She chose “magic” as the best idea. We could back off and just deal with the dirty knickers until she is ready? Would I tell her that’s what we’re doing? Can I still leave the potty nearby? And can we still ask, like the whole family, that she goes to the loo before car journeys? Both still wear nappies at night and I’m going to follow their lead on that. I’m nervous about “backing off” as part of the Dr’s advice is that she has a long sit on the potty after breakfast. I so hope we haven’t caused long term issues. Any adivce you can provide very gratefully received. Many thanks in advance.

By: Miriam

Miriam — Thu, 07 May 2020 17:39:51 +0000

I introduced a potty with my little girl at around 15 months or so- at that point, she was scared of it, so she took a long time to warm up to its presence in our home. She also struggled with chronic constipation, and fear concerning bowel movements, so we were working on that aspect (in diapers). I did get her some underwear with owls to see if that would encourage her to use the potty at around 21 months, and she would choose to wear them occasionally, becoming upset when she wet them. I tried not to pressure her, offered the potty (sometimes she wants to sit, sometimes not), and clean up of she has an accident. Over the past several weeks, her constipation has improved, she has become more independent about diaper changes (bringing diapers, wipes, taking off her diaper, etc.) and over the past two days she has started refusing diapers all together. I have been trying to follow her lead, but she always says no if I ask her if she wants to use the potty for bowel movements, and now it seems she is now becoming constipated again. I don’t want to impede any progress or discourage her from her potty learning, or force her into a diaper, but I also cannot allow her to go back to painful bowel movements and unhealthy constipation. Thank you for any advice!

By: Saskia

Saskia — Thu, 23 Apr 2020 21:13:15 +0000

How do we approach night time?
My son has started toilet learning and seems to be responding well!
He likes us to give him his space too!

But for a few nights as we still have him in a nappy at night he will not wee in the nappy, get up in the morning and do a mega wee! He sleeps 6-6 but with wake ups in between so if he needed a wee I’d assume he would just go in the nappy or leave the room?

Should I be waking him in the night? Is this too early for him to do this? Is this risking having urine in his body too long at that age?

By: Anne

Anne — Thu, 12 Dec 2019 05:28:20 +0000

I am in a similar boat with my almost 4 year old (2.28) I have been following his lead and trying not to pressure him but he has to be trained by February for prek. He has no issues with pooping on the potty, pee either but only when he wants to. Otherwise he will hide and poop in them or sit in wet undies until i notice. I’m certain he can feel my anxiety about this as much as I try not to show it, I’m human. I know he has the control it’s the emotional thing. I give him a lot of the choices above, i have tried reminders (examples of responses “I can’t use the potty”, he will try to distract me from it or ask me to leave the room. It is not just me but other care givers as well. I have tried not doing reminders and he still has accidents. I don’t show any emotion whatsoever as I know he’s looking for me to he angry etc. Any advice you have is welcome.