Comments on: The Secret to Setting Limits (Without Bribes or Threats)

By: Mieken Grant

Mieken Grant — Mon, 08 May 2023 00:41:28 +0000

Hi Janet, I realise this is an old post and not sure if you still check the messages but I’ll try! My 4yo daughter is pretty good at staying in bed but will delay delay delay the last bit of the routine (2 books, a “story from my voice”, then a cuddle and then i leave an audio story on). Before the last cuddle she might be taking her time to tuck in her toys, or wants to show me something, wants to chat etc. My patience is very thin by this point – I’m a single mum and have her 70% of the time. I feel awful not giving her the cuddle if i was sticking to my conviction. I usually have had to say “it looks like you’re not ready for your cuddle so I’ll leave the room and return when you’re ready for your cuddle”. Then she’ll cry or whinge and shout out “mum i’m ready!!” – then i return and she will either want to talk again and i’ll leave the room again or she will be ready for a cuddle and shes fine. Is there a better approach?

By: Marla

Marla — Mon, 04 Apr 2022 18:28:38 +0000

In reply to Lucy. This is the same issue we’re facing. I walk her back repeatedly - honestly it can be 100 times not an exaggeration. But she screams or bangs the door also and wakes her sister. I don’t know what else to do. It’s exhausting for everyone

By: Jessica Hedges

Jessica Hedges — Tue, 28 Dec 2021 17:56:46 +0000

I’m not even sure how old or new this chain of questions/comments is however my daughter is 4 and she was doing great at sleeping in her own bed up until about 6 months maybe a little longer ago. Now she says they’re monsters in her room and she comes and gets into our bed, there just isn’t enough room in our bed so my wife has to sleep in her twin bed which obviously isn’t very comfortable. Some nights I’ll go put her back in bed and stay with her until she falls asleep again and then I’m go back to bed but as soon as she wakes up and realizes one of us isn’t in there with her she comes right back in our room and gets us and says she scared to sleep alone. We are at our wits end here, any advice will help! We do sleep with her until she falls asleep when we put her down at night, so we should probably stop that from what I’m reading here but how do we keep her in the bed all night?? Thanks so much for any advice!!

By: Ellis

Ellis — Mon, 17 Aug 2020 18:05:41 +0000

In reply to CandiCane.

Once when our TV’s electrical circuit was broken, we realized a powerful difference when our children understood they could no longer get their TV back by cajoling or whining, which had been pretty much constant before. When we could just shrug and say, “Too bad, the TV is broken,” it took all the rancor out of the equation, and they went outside and did wonderful creative play, rather than hanging around us and whining. It was so effective that we had a secret switch installed during a renovation, and once a year or so, our TV would “just be broken again” for a while! I did have some mild guilt for being deceptive, but it worked like a tonic for our family— perhaps not getting to the root of our problem, but giving us a season of relief from a damaging symptom.

By: Shannon Costa

Shannon Costa — Fri, 17 Jan 2020 16:28:40 +0000

In reply to Marlene. I’m in a similar situation. My son is almost 3 and he climbs out of his crib. He has no problem staying in at night but during the day when I put him down for nap he pops right out. I boringly walk him back and really believe he’s going to stay there. After several times I just get tired and tell him to play on his play room while I nap. Because I’m really tired and want to nap. I feel like I really need to add a different approach. Please help.

By: Sarah J Hilliard

Sarah J Hilliard — Sun, 20 Jan 2019 06:55:40 +0000

I call this approach to setting limits the cloak of inevitability. You put it on and wear it with patience, and it all just unfolds before you.

By: Marlene

Marlene — Tue, 15 Jan 2019 14:54:50 +0000

“Calmly and boringly walk her back to bed…” I’m not sure about others but my child is super strong willed and would fight me even on this simple action. She’d likely yank her hand away from mine, run the opposite direction, all the while yelling and crying. It’s nice to think that the parent just has to simply lead the child back to their bed but what does one do when said child does not cooperate?!?! I’d like to see your responses include scenarios where the child does not cooperate on first request and what a parent is to do when the child is persistant. Thanks !

By: Judith Wood

Judith Wood — Fri, 17 Aug 2018 00:24:04 +0000

Hello Janet,

I do in home childcare for my four year old grandson. I am a retired Preschool Director and know that bribes are not the answer for desired behavior, however, Grampy, my husband stubbornly, refuses to listen to me about many child development issues. If he was just the occasional Grandpa, there would be no problem, but he is a co-caregiver during the weekdays while our daughter is at work. I need a concise description, from someone other than me, of why bribing with ice cream, cookies or toys, is a bad idea, just to get him into the car or to stop an undesirable behavior. I know this is an unusual request since I have the answer, BUT, I would love to hear what you have to say about this. Thank you!

By: Lou

Lou — Mon, 12 Jun 2017 05:48:32 +0000

Hi Janet,

My son usually doesn’t want to get out of the bathtub after his bath, he spends a lot of time in there and I usually tell him that I’ll be waiting outside for him to read a book a book to him when he comes out. If he spends more time in the bathtub, he has less time to read more books before bed. Is this bribery/threat?

By: janet

janet — Mon, 12 Jun 2017 04:41:47 +0000

In reply to Jess. Yay!