My son is 18 months and showing some similarities with the child featured in this episode.

Is there a chance that this type of behavior is the result of an ambivalent attachment as described in the Mary Ainsworth study?

It never resonates with my situation when someone says to basically hurry up and leave and the child will get over it faster. I get it, I know that it’s true, but my child physically will not let me leave. Holds onto me, grabs, and chases. I keep waiting to hear someone in a similar situation and what the advice is on that. For us it’s not just a case of being hard to leave my sad child. He is physically strong! He is 6 years old. He has intense separation anxiety though when I drop him off at school. He wants to go, has a great day there, but in the mornings he just holds on to me for dear life and when I try and leave, he chases me. It does break my heart because someone has to come uncling him from me and hold him as I walk away. I don’t let him see my heartbreak though. I tell him he can do this, he is braver than he feels right now, and it’s important to push through the feelings because he will end up having a great day. But I also worry I am completely traumatizing him by leaving it and contemplate homeschool. I don’t want him to face such anxiety every day. School started over a month ago now. He also went to preschool 2 years and was in day care at 8 months. We’ve had some hard days all along, not usually everyday like this though. I do know he is capable, strong, smart, but sensitive also. I have anxiety myslef and worry I passed it on to him unknowingly. Not sure what to do or where to turn. I can’t have a regular job even because I never know how the day will go and cannot depend on a specific schedule.

Johnathan – you won’t find much from me about fixing children or their issues. Mostly, my advice centers around understanding a child’s perspective and normalizing their heathy and natural tendency to express a roller coaster of emotions throughout the day in these early years. When we can trust and allow children to express their feelings (around separations and everything else), they heal and move through them
more readily. That is how these issues tend to lessen.

Here’s another perspective that may be interesting to you: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2013/05/did-my-high-need-child-need-to-cry-guest-post-by-jane-roets/

Hi Kristin – Firstly, please know that this is NOT an article. It is a podcast and I’ve included a transcript. I do not recommend reading this advice as if it is meant to be in print. Hearing my tone may explain a lot. This is definitely not about a parent saying words. It’s about understanding the role our own emotions can play in a child’s anxiety. There have been some interesting studies around this lately. Here’s a link that I also shared with Leah (above): https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2019/04/15/711213752/for-kids-with-anxiety-parents-learn-to-let-them-face-their-fears

Regarding your 18-month-old: “who literally shakes when I put her in her high chair because she doesn’t want to be put down. So if I just acknowledge she doesn’t like it and doesn’t want to be away from me, then she will be fine? And if she isn’t fine and continues to sob and tremble I should just “let her crumble”?”

Yes, I would allow her to express these strong feelings (which are very, very common for children this age) rather than assume that she has a deep aversion to being placed down. Toddlers, especially, have a need to express strong emotions, tantrums, etc. It is when we try to fix these feelings by accommodating and swooping them up again, etc., that we unknowingly give the message… “It is not safe for you to feel anything other than perfect contentment.” And that is a slippery slope, because we add our own fear and concern to whatever our child is feeling. But as others have noted, this IS challenging, because it means leading with trust and welcoming the feelings rather than fearing them. You are welcome to disagree.

Yes, it is challenging to allow our children to express their feelings! A lifetime challenge.

Hi Leah. Yes, it sounds like you might be having difficulty separating, projecting confidence and trusting your child to feel his emotions without trying to accommodate them. Here’s a piece that may interest you: https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2019/04/15/711213752/for-kids-with-anxiety-parents-learn-to-let-them-face-their-fears

This is telling and I hear it often: “Interestingly, when his father took him to a follow up appointment, he behaved just fine and was not at all upset.” This would indicate that this is not about your son being afraid, but more about a relationship dynamic between you. It’s wonderful that you are open to exploring the situation.

You are so welcome, Marian. I thrilled that this resonated. Yes, this situation could definitely be multi-faceted. I really appreciate your support and encouragement..

definitely is not helpful. Basically all she says is continue to do the same thing but in a different way using different words but still the child is going to cry so how does this fix the crying and clinging issue?