Comments on: Choose Not to Battle with Your Child (Here’s How)

By: Kate

Kate — Fri, 09 Feb 2024 13:45:23 +0000

In reply to Renata. If it were me, I would take the child out of ABA. I recommend joining the the Facebook group Autism Inclusivity, run by autistic people, and doing a search within the group about why ABA is counterproductive. Best wishes.

By: Shannon Colclough

Shannon Colclough — Thu, 28 Jul 2022 16:38:27 +0000

I remember my camp director always telling me drop the rope and this article just pretty much explains what the title says. After working at that camp I realized to never pick up the rope when arguing with a kid again.

By: Danielle

Danielle — Mon, 20 Jun 2022 18:44:37 +0000

The diaper and clothes changing.. you said put your hand on the back so you are ready when he runs. Mine is 2.5 and does this. If we do this and try to hold him back from running away it leads to hitting screaming and yelling no. Eventually we let ho because he’s hitting. Only way his to hold him down

By: Anna

Anna — Thu, 14 Apr 2022 22:49:44 +0000

My biggest question with any of this is when does it go from being a leader and confidently stating a fact, “it’s time to get dressed now,” while being prepared for the child to run, to actively mandhandling your child in order to get the job done, kicking and screaming. Even if I maintain my calm, it is strenuous and exhausting to me to force my child to sit still long enough to get dressed so we can get out the door on time. Given his choice, at 19mos, my son would gladly ignore his wet diaper, not participate in getting dressed, and play until he becomes hangry and pitches a fit at not having eaten breakfast yet. Despite the fact that we’ve had the same morning routine for almost his entire life.
I want to respect his desire to play (“I understand you want to play, and it’s time to get dressed first”) but I need him to respect my body and that it hurts me when he goes boneless and I’m left supporting his whole weight, he screams loudly in my ear, or hits me. I think transitions play a huge role in his current behavior, I’m just struggling to figure out what I am supposed to do in response. Placing a boundary, “it’s time to get dressed, then we can nurse, then you will have breakfast,” and maintaining that regardless of his behavior, has not been working. It is a physical struggle on a daily basis and my husband and I equally struggle and go into the morning routine dreading what we know will be very difficult and test our patience and put into question our understanding of respect for our child when we have to resort to physical constraint to get through the routine.
And I know we’re only at the start of toddlerhood! So that’s extra scary.

By: Edith

Edith — Sat, 19 Feb 2022 15:10:59 +0000

Great post. My three year old struggles when I pick him up from school. I have to put him in his chair myself (and this is hard due to a shoulder problem I have)and he doesn’t want to come down the car when we get home. What I do, and I’m not sure if it is right, is I tell him “let’s go inside” he’ll say no. I respond “ok. I’ll go in then”. And I go inside and wait until he comes out the car and crying profusely knocks on the door. Then hugs and kisses. This happens in less than three minutes so it works for me, but I wonder if I’m damaging his confidence by leaving him alone in the car (although I’m watching him and there is no physical risk involved)

By: liv

liv — Sat, 19 Feb 2022 10:10:47 +0000

In reply to Tina.

I don’t know what Janet would say but I think you’re right! Extremes either way are not going to work, right? Too much rigidity or control without humor or relaxation is definitely going to be picked up on, and I think confidence does not mean control. I can be confident in handling a transition whilst still allowing my kid choices – the choices are only taken away when there’s a sense that negotiation is going on. So I offer the choice of clothes, or maybe the choice of how many minutes to play – but then don’t change my mind. And then the other way – too little control, and things are loosey goosey and permissive and there’s no confidence. You could also let your son ask, “one more minute?” and agree, and to my mind that isn’t a negotiation. A negotiation implies a back and forth and a much more intentional disregard for the boundary you’ve set.

By: Tina

Tina — Fri, 18 Feb 2022 06:04:27 +0000

Hello, I really resonated with much of this parent’s experiences with her child, as my 3 year old son is similarly spirited. Mornings used to be so hard for us too. Along with refusing to get dressed, have his diaper changed, get in the car, etc, my son would also bite and hit during these moments as well.
I wanted to share my own experience of how this has really improved for me, and I think my son as well, and it veers from the advice you give, or at least I think it does! For many many months, I was taking the approach of trying to be a confident leader and not giving into attempts on my son’s part to negotiate. He would do the exact same thing of asking for more minutes, for example. I’d say “no, it’s time to go” and he might then explode—run, bite, or kick. I would then say things like “I won’t let you …” Eventually he would calm and we would leave, but it often took quite a long time.
A friend introduced me to The Explosive Child and I have found that for my son and me, at this stage of his life, the strategies in that book have been a better fit. For brevity sake, I won’t elaborate on the details of the changes we made, but I think a very essential component has been that my son was feeling controlled and that I was coming across as rigid to him when I had been approaching him as a confident leader and not entertaining his attempts at negotiations. And for him, I think that by loosening my own expectations for how the interaction would go, he has been able to feel less controlled and therefore displays less rigidity himself. So, now I do allow negotiations, for example, and it has made mornings so so much smoother. Most often I say something like “We need to think about leaving” and he’ll say “One more minute!” And I’ll say “ok!” And then after that one minute, he almost always does the thing that I had just mentioned to him we need to do.
One question I have, which I may never know, is perhaps your version of confident leader and mine are different and that they come across differently, I’m sure that’s the case. I think I was holding onto some anxiety/fear that the interaction would go poorly (fearing that biting, for example), while still trying to be confident, and my son picked up on that. And perhaps you (or other parents) may not have that, and therefore that changes the whole dynamic.
I do want to say that in spite of what I just wrote, your parenting approach has been fundamental for me as a parent. The respect for children that your writing conveys is foundational for me. Thank you

By: Rachael

Rachael — Fri, 18 Feb 2022 04:33:49 +0000

Janet, I really like the suggestions in this post, and I try to be a good leader for my spirited toddler daughter in the way that you describe. She had recent huge loss and transition as I have birth to twin girls so she now has 2 sisters. My question is, how do I confidently lead when I am stuck behind a tandem feeding pillow or trying to meet the needs of 2 X newborns? I am trying to give my daughter some focused 1-2-1 time each day at a point when I can get the 2 babies into their baskets and that is really lovely to be able to do. But when it comes to transitions, such as going out, there’s a lot to prepare for the newborns and so I struggle to demonstrate clear leadership to my daughter in those moments as I’m multitasking and responding to young baby needs which aren’t predictable or controllable e.g. if they need more breastfeeding or if they do a dirty nappy… Any suggestions most welcome please!!

By: Renata

Renata — Thu, 17 Feb 2022 22:53:08 +0000

Thank you for this, Janet. This mother’s letter really resonated with me about my 3.5yo son. We often have the same challenges. And as I read your response, I realized I too am being wishy washy because I’m worried for my child in the separation/transition. And I too would like to take the lead with “confident momentum” and help my child accomplish some things. Where I am getting stuck is this- we are having problems at school where my 3.5yo is also challenging his teachers and dawdling when being asked to do things, and he’s slowing down the flow of the class and taking up more time and attention of the teacher than she has to give, considering the number of other children in the class. The teachers, the OT, the ABA, are all asking us to help “foster his independence” at home- encourage him to get dressed himself, unpack his backpack, etc. But at home in those moments of transition eg when we’re getting ready for school or for bed, my intuition is saying “I need to dress you for you because you’re having a hard time here” rather than forcing him to get dressed himself, put his shoes on himself, etc. But then I’m feeling like I’m “babying” him, I’m doing too much for him, and spoiling him and he will end up needing me to tie his shoes into high school. I realize this is a bit of catastrophizing, but that’s what I feel I’m being led to believe. I wish you had some advice for me. I have sooo many questions and this is just the tip of the parenting iceberg!!!