My 3.5yr old daughter appears to be quite anxious socially and often will scream and leap off a playground if another kid is coming towards her. She tries to get away from them and does a bit of a panic cry. She attends kindergarten and has one friend there but doesn’t play with other children, to me this seems okay and age appropriate. I just would have thought she would be less scared of others having been at kindergarten for more than 6 months.

One thing I struggle with is that we’ve always gone to a music playgroup where you sit in a big circle and the kids go get various instruments and props from the front at the beginning of each song. It pains me that she won’t get them on her own and will flat out refuse if I don’t go with her. I have tried not going and encouraging her in various ways but she will just sit with me and not participate, and act grumpy for the rest of the session. For her first 2 years of life her brother was basically her social wingman and having to do that stuff on her own is tricky.

Would you suggest the hands off approach of just sitting together and observing (though I don’t see us continuing to attend if that happened for too long) or continuing to be gentle and go with her?

What should my response be when I let my 16 month old daughter play on her own and I sit outside her gated play area, but she keeps calling out for me and whines? She would explore her play area sometimes, but most of the time she’s glued at the gate and reaches for my hand.

I’m at my wits end and this usually calm momma is beginning to lose the plot and doesn’t know how to change this situation.

Hi Bianca – I hope to reassure you that not every child experiences separation anxiety, and I’m also not sure that’s what your boy is feeling in regard to his dad. I would not assume that the feelings he expresses are “distress.” They might simply be, “Hey, I like that guy and I want him to hold me!” Sometimes that will be able to happen for him and other times not, but either way he has a right to express these feelings, and I would acknowledge and perceive them as strong assertions, rather than deep sadness and distress. I think you’re spot on that you may be projecting fear and insecurity into this situation. I am so sorry you did not get what you needed from your mother. Nothing you’ve shared leads me to believe that your boy is not attached to you in a healthy manner. Have you read this post of mine? https://www.janetlansbury.com/2015/02/when-children-prefer-one-parent/
I also have a podcast on this topic. It is a very, very common concern parents have. Take care, I’m sure you’re doing well by your boy.

My 1 year old has extreme separation anxiety with his dad, but not with me (and I’m his main caregiver), to the point where he won’t let me hold him or pick him up when he is distressed if his dad is around.

Our son never developed separation anxiety with me, is this normal? Does this mean we don’t have a secure attachment? If his dad isn’t around, he will let me help him and carry him, and he does come to me over strangers and other family members.

I never developed a secure attachment with my own mum, I wonder whether I’m projecting my insecurities onto my son. Please help!

Hi Janet, this article is the closest match I can find to help with the experience I’ve been having with my toddler (2years2months). Despite him going happily to nursery 2 days a week without me, when we go to playgroups or play cafes together then he often doesn’t want to go and play. This would be ok if he just came and sat on my lap but he won’t do that either – instead he whinges, cries and asks for various things like snacks or to ‘go home’ louder and louder, pulling on my arm or climbing on my lap but then straightaway getting down, so I can’t think straight to have a conversation with anyone else (although I do try to continue as you advise!). However, I don’t understand why he won’t just play and enjoy himself – what do you think? Even at home he will play quite happily independently for short periods. I am careful to stay in the same place so he can come back to me. I’d really appreciate your take on this as it’s leaving me feeling quite disheartened and isolated. Thank you

I don’t understand. How can a 12 month old understand you?

Thank you so much for this article. I really needed to hear this. Thank you for taking the time to write this article!