Comments on: The Difference Between Helping and Hovering

By: janet

janet — Sun, 16 Feb 2020 21:29:37 +0000

In reply to C M. I would do it. I might also want to explore (gently) why my child wants my help. Do you know why?

By: C M

C M — Sun, 16 Feb 2020 18:01:53 +0000

What about wiping a child’s bottom after a bowel movement? My 6 year old still asks for us to do that even though he is capable.

By: Jodi

Jodi — Fri, 16 Aug 2019 17:41:40 +0000

Starting off your article with saying your kid is 25 months old drove me crazy. Your kid is 2.

By: Lee

Lee — Thu, 15 Aug 2019 04:19:02 +0000

In reply to Colleen. Dear Colleen, I don't believe it's ever too late to change tack and help your children find their confidence and independence. They're old enough for you to have that conversation with them too. I'm sure they'll appreciate your honesty when you tell them your concerns. I think as parents we often feel we have to appear to our children like we know all the answers, but when we humble ourselves and tell them that we're unsure or may have messed up and are trying to find a better way forward, it builds a much stronger and more honest relationship. What has worked well for me recently with my 11 year old is drawing up a contract with each other to help make us both more aware of the pattern we've fallen into.

By: Rosie

Rosie — Thu, 15 Aug 2019 03:53:17 +0000

I have a different perspective to offer, as I am the wife of someone who was mothered in a very hovering way. Through her own insecurities, impatience, fear, intense love and also deep desire to protect her child from any kind of discomfort or difficulty, my husband’s mother ‘helped’ with everything in her son’s life to the point where he lacked the confidence to make almost any decisions without her input.
When we met he started relying on me for this kind of support, and on some level I found it endearing that my opinions were so important to him. But since having our little ones who are now 2 and 4, it’s become such a heavy burden to bear – having to help make so many of his daily decisions as well as look after the needs of my children in a respectful and mindful way. It’s only recently that I’ve begun to see if for what it is and realise how difficult it is for him to unlearn this pattern and realise that he is capable and can trust himself!
I wrote this to hopefully share another perspective of how this plays out well into adulthood with repercussions not just for the child but for their future families. There is such a thing as loving your child ‘too much’! But, all is not lost, because any learned behaviour can be unlearned, and if you have been that parent it’s never too late to acknowledge it and help your child find their confidence and walk a different path.

By: Emily Fairhead

Emily Fairhead — Wed, 14 Aug 2019 12:13:48 +0000

Dear Janet,I need help with my nearly 3 year old!he is my 3rd child…I am having trouble getting him to cooperate with essential care of any kind.Especially nappy changes and teeth/hair.Its not just that though,it’s all things which he doesn’t choose to do.I am having to hold him and make him do things a lot.It feels ungentle and that I am damaging his relationship of being touched in a loving way.I do try and give warnings beforehand and wait,but I can’t always do this, as his skin gets sore and he doesn’t choose to come!any tips would be welcomed gladly.

By: Colleen

Colleen — Tue, 13 Aug 2019 02:07:45 +0000

This blogpost brought tears to my eyes. As a mother of 23, 20, 15 and 13 yr olds, I see the benefits of this hover vs. help strategy. I was more of a “hoverer” than a helper parent, and I wish I knew more about RIE parenting when my children were younger. It is much harder to change habits this late in the game. I have very capable, independent older children, but my current teens are lacking confidence in their abilities, and I worry it was my fears and lack of confidence in them that has led to this. I am still working on being a better parent every day! Thank you so much for your inspired and life changing perspective.

By: Sapana V

Sapana V — Fri, 02 Dec 2016 17:18:06 +0000

Actually, we must encourage our kids to be independent, after a certain age. We are stopping their growth by supporting too much.

By: Jazzi Kelley

Jazzi Kelley — Sat, 27 Aug 2016 14:53:37 +0000

I’m learning so much from my nephew, and this is something he’s taught me particularly well.

He is an independent, caring, and incredibly patient little boy. One morning he woke me up (his mom, my best friend, goes to work very early, so he and I go back to bed after she drops him off with me) and proudly announced, “I go potty all my myself so Mommy can sleep.”

Then he proceeded to go potty all by himself “so you can sleep, Aunt Jazzi,” which was so sweet that I didn’t point out I was already awake.

Still, I didn’t understood just how much he was capable of on his own until we went to a play place that afternoon. A bigger boy stopped him and asked (in what I took to be a very aggressive tone), “Why do you have nail polish on?”

I was ready to step in to prevent my sweet nephew from getting his feelings hurt, but before I could get there, he patiently explained, “Because it’s okay for boys to wear nail polish. Mine is blue, but look! It’s chipping.”

I think the other boy was a little puzzled, but he let it go, and my nephew wasn’t troubled by the interaction at all.

I know for certain it wouldn’t have gone that well if I had stepped in. I have too many adult anxieties to have been as patient and un-reactive as my nephew was in that situation, but I’m working on it!

By: Karina

Karina — Tue, 23 Aug 2016 09:58:31 +0000

In reply to Ranee. Dear Ranee, this sounds very similar to my situation. My mom sometimes claims things like "he should be doing this and this by now". Which creates tension, yes...