Comments on: 4-Year-Old Seems Fixated on Dark, Scary Scenarios

By: jacky mcfadden

jacky mcfadden — Sun, 11 Oct 2020 02:01:31 +0000

Thank you for this post, Janet. Just earlier today, my 4. 5 and I were roughousing, and he said “okay mama, now you pretend that you’re dead”. It rattled me, but then I thought “he’s clearly trying to work this out!”, and I did. Side note, he has been asking a lot of questions about death for the past few months, which we try to answer honestly. In other news, my son – like the girl discussed in the podcast – is very interested in exploring themes of power by using pretend (water) guns, wanting to shoot, sometimes using the word kill, talking about bandits and police officers…I sense that this is all about an exploration of power, but he says things like “I am going to kill you!”, we redirect and say ” you mean, you want to attack me?!” . I suspect that you would probably not agree with this redirect, but I try really hard to avoid being in play situations with my son in which I feel uncomfortable/don’t want to. But when, for example, he asks me to pretend that I have a gun, I will say “wow, you really like guns, and you can pretend that you have one. I don’t know a lot about guns/I don’t like guns because they hurt people, can you think of something else we can play?”. What are your thoughts on this redirect? We try to give him LOTS of opportunity to explore power, for example, when wrestling, physical play….But I am also showing him that there are certain things that, I am okay if he explores, but that make me uncomfortable (I don’t say that, however, I am just honest about what I really don’t want to do, i.e. the guns!?).

By: Anja

Anja — Wed, 16 Oct 2019 10:08:10 +0000

Thank you for this timely and much appreciated episode! It confirmed my thoughts about this topic. But hearing it from you makes it much easier to stay unfruffled :-). Greetings from Germany!

By: Kristin

Kristin — Mon, 14 Oct 2019 23:40:00 +0000

When my four year old becomes extremely frustrated or angry, he recently started saying things like “I wish you would kill/hurt me” or “I should just die.” Then he might bump his head against the wall. I know that overall he is a happy, contented child and I am not worried about his mental health in general. And like the mom in this podcast, I also try to be careful about what information and media comes into our home. So when he says things like that, it disturbs me- not because I think my 4 year old is actually suicidal, but I fear judgment from those around me and worry that if anyone ever witnessed this, CPS could be callled. It also doesn’t help that I have a parent who committed suicide, so I’m sure I’m giving off big time ruffled vibes whenever my son mentions the topic. I tried forbidding the topic of killing last night, and instead asked him to use different words to show how upset he was. But that didn’t sit well with me, and I wondered “What would Janet say?” Then I came onto your podcast and saw this perfectly timed episode. Thank you! If you have any additional thoughts about when a child is fixated on the idea of SELF-harm, I would appreciate it.

By: Cassie

Cassie — Wed, 09 Oct 2019 17:36:05 +0000

In reply to janet. Got it. Thank you!

By: janet

janet — Wed, 09 Oct 2019 15:28:32 +0000

In reply to Cassie.

Hi Cassie – I would politely and matter-of-factly limit the 8-year-old from involving your son in his shooting fantasy. So, I’d say something like, “Ah, you are welcome to pretend to shoot towards the trees, etc., but not at ___.” The age difference in the children is too great for them to be allowed full rein to play pretend with each other.

By: janet

janet — Wed, 09 Oct 2019 15:24:00 +0000

In reply to jo. My pleasure, Jo. Yes, you bring up an important point. Children will process and heal their trauma through play and repetition of stories that touch on the feelings they have felt or absorbed from others. Their natural motivation to self-heal can be very strong. Children will tend to want to replay even the mildest surprising or uncomfortable experiences and events (like they witnessed a stranger yelling angrily, for example) and that's a very, very healthy impulse that we want to encourage. That's also the reason it is better for us to refrain from telling the stories ourselves, even if children request that. Our story will be different and not as effective therapeutically for our child.

By: jo

jo — Wed, 09 Oct 2019 13:52:51 +0000

thank you soso much this was so important to hear!. is there ever a time when we need to worry that these explorations are a reflection of unpleasant experiences or even trauma in a child’s life? thanks 🙂

By: Cassie

Cassie — Wed, 09 Oct 2019 12:57:47 +0000

Janet – This is interesting and makes total sense. I wonder what you would suggest when an older child is acting out violence on a young child? For example, we have an 8 year old neighbor who often comes over to play with my two year old (I’m supervising). Yesterday he was pretending to ‘shoot’ my two year with a toy shovel. I didn’t intervene but noticed how uncomfortable this made me feel. Any thoughts?