My second child was an efficient nurser, and from his first day of life was capable of being finished with a nursing session in 10-15 minutes. He also nursed less frequently and was a more easy going baby overall. I nursed him until age 2 and enjoyed a lot of pleasant intimate moments making eye contact etc with him. But I was able to give in those moments because I didn’t feel resentful in this relationship due to the fact that I actually got breaks.

I only now recognize fully why I felt so different in these two nursing relationships, and still have some complicated feelings towards my oldest when she demands things of me.

I would hope that if others encounter mothers struggling the way I was in the future instead of basically telling them to tough it out and be a martyr, (or to just give up) they watch for signs a mother is being driven into the ground by a demanding nursing/clingy infant relationship and help her figure out things that might help. I would have loved to have that intimate comfortable relationship with my first like I did with my second instead of feeling like I was never enough.

In the early days you spend a minimum of 8hours out of every 24 hours feeding. I challenge anyone to not find that “hard” and to “disconnect from the world and tightly connect your baby” for all of those hours is simply not a realistic expectation (Particularly if you also have older children who need you too.) and your comments are quite judgmental actually

Signed, someone who has happily and lovingly breastfed for a number of years through more than one child!

Beautifully put, Lisa! So many aspects of RIE run counter to the predominant culture of our time, and especially challenging for individuals who may not have gotten secure attachment in infancy/childhood.

I find breast or bottle feeding a moment to be still-in the moment. A moment in silence with my child.

There are plenty of other moments to gaze at a screen or read articles. I like to check in to Facebook or news mostly in the evenings when my children sleep. Sometimes during the day when they are playing independently.
Then my attention is also fully there with what I am doing.

These feedings, whether bottle or breast are more meaningful then some may ‘consider’, both for the one feeding and the one drinking ;). And of course you do not need to sit and stare lovingly into the childs eyes the whole time or make the moment more than what it is. However I do believe that the child feels what we feel, as children are so sensitive to our emotions. Sitting behind screens reading facebook or playing games are stimuli that do affect us even though some may not be aware of this.. so if someone is playing an exciting game or reading an article that stirs up thought and emotion within, the child that is feeding close to that heart of the caregiver, can feel that from the caregiver that thinks they are ‘calmly’ feeding their child. When in fact that caregiver is not present in the moment with their child.

I think we somewhat underestimate how amazing and important life is. And get lost in things that are at moments (such as feedings) insignificant.

I actually find it an underestimation of the child who is there depending on us and wishes to feel safe.
Breast and bottle feeding to me are a moment to rest in stillness with my child. Maybe we glance at each other, smile…. maybe I think for a second about something else… then slip back into the still moment with my child.

Janet your awesome and I hope you are doing well!

I realized it’s affecting me, not just while I’m online, it extends to afterward. And I’m just “here” less.

I totally agree about this article and I’ve thought to myself, hmm, maybe I should just sit here and be with him. One time I saw a mom at the airport, rocking the stroller and totally reading on her phone. Really??!? Of course we all have these fleeting moments but it just seemed so symbolic. I have a feeling that was how it always is for that mother.

This article is awesome!!!!!!!!!!!

I agree. As someone still nursing an almost 2 year old, this article basically worked to make me feel guilty because often, when she’s nursing (usually with her eyes closed) I like to snatch some “me” time. I do my utmost to be respectful to my baby and connect with her, and my instinct (unlike this article) tells me I succeed, but to be honest if I couldn’t read a book or the newspaper on my phone sometimes when I’m feeding then I doubt I would have kept it up so long. To say that me doing so is tantamount to “propping her up with a bottle” is incredibly insulting.

Oh me too. ME TOO. I have a 17 month old gap and it’s SO HARD to find the time to devote to both of them the way I would like to.

I am a devoted advocate of the RIE techniques and I engage daily with the practices. I have 2 littles, a 5 month old and a 22 month old and I am tired. None of our family sleeps well overnight, and we have just moved, lost my father in law and are renovating.
I read this knowing you were going to advocate to be more fully connected, but I use the time when I am nursing to relax and not engage. To try and refill my buckets so to speak. I don’t know how to find more energy to connect in when I breastfeed. I am feeling despair as I truly do mindfilly parent all day every day (and all night too!).
Any advice would be so welcomed.
Megan