Agreed, if this works, great. But often offering a choice results in a “no!” And sometimes, as with a dirty diaper, brushing teeth, or sticking to bedtime, allowing that “no” isn’t as simple as letting your child sleep in regular clothes. I guess my variation is what to do when the no hits against a health/ safety boundary? And results in tears? I try to ok the feeling, hold the boundary, and get to a “ yes” but often that does nothing to resolve my child’s tears or frustration.

Sorry by “Is she ready to play trains with Sarah?”the implication is that the blocks get picked up before she can play with Sarah.

I have a similarly spirited and bright child in my class. She gets irritated by choices and she does not play ball. Echoing what Janet says, we stay calmly in charge and do what we need to do when it’s something that can’t be negotiated. She often escalates quickly as response. There’s a couple things we do that work that seem counterintuitive. First before she is fully dysregulated, we might us humor to diffuse the battle mindset. ex: If she doesn’t want to put on her own shoes, I might be silly and say “Okay I’ll help you” and then proceed to try and put her shoe on her elbow. She laughs and says “that’s not where you put shoes” and I’ll play dumb and say well you’ll have to show me where they go. Also sometimes I commiserate using “I wish” … “oh man wouldn’t be nice if we didn’t have to wear shoes outside. No sharp sticks or broken glass. I think I would want the floor to be made of marshmallows. What would you like? But alas I love your little toes and don’t want them to get hurt and so on” and this too diffuses the me vs you battle. When these things are not available, you are in rush, not in the mood etc or it’s a situation where she must just listen to the adult, we control what we can around her and calmy hold firm. ex: Little lass has just taken out every single block in the room and is now moving to play with her pal, breaking our established expectation of putting them up before moving on. Calmly at eye level ” I noticed you forgot to put away the blocks. That’s okay. When you choose to pick up the blocks you, you may play trains with Sarah.” I try to start with an opportunity to save face for my warrior queens (she 100% did not ‘forget’ ha )We can’t control her reaction to this but her pal Sarah wants no part of this, and the trains can be tucked onto the teacher shelf. This often is very hard for her and she escalates. We might offer a hug or the special space in our class called the emotional center where we have calm down tools for her to ‘find her calm’ but the blocks stay on the ground until picks them up. Sometimes she’s just really mad which is her right as a person but still the blocks remain. Normally after she gets the big feelings out, I’ll gently reconnect and ask if she is ready to play trains with Sarah. Later when calm, we might talk about how sometimes it’s her choice and sometimes it’s my choice. We might even point out all the times she gets to be in charge. Now most of the time, if she starts to throw down I can just gently say “Sorry love this one is a teacher choice” and she gets it. Also never give choices that you don’t want to do- learned that one the hard way too haha The goal at the end is keeping her emotionally and physically safe by being a clear leader but with minimal shame and getting my emotions super entangled. Sorry that was super long but I hope some of that helps!

In my classroom we do a combo- We make a declarative (or as we call them informational) and then give a mini choice inside of it. Calmly in charge but acknowledging their desire to be independent. Example- It’s Pj time- would you like these or those? Even better to let the kiddos know about transitions coming up a few minutes a head of time. Also establishing a predictable consistent routine around non-preferred tasks seems to smooth out bumps.

Agreed! I feel like sometimes you need to get your grips and show your children you are in charge. I feel like giving choices may lead to them being used to be in charge and having choices for everything and parents will be just choices-giver than a decision maker.

This sounds great and easy but what do you do after you say this? Leave the room? We’ve tried choices and sticking to our routine but if we keep moving and saying “no books cause we took too long” then it results in our 2.5 year old throwing himself on the ground or jumping up and down in his crib and screaming to the point I’m scared he’ll hurt himself flailing against the crib bars. Do we leave and let him cry and scream?

“It’s time to get out of the bath. Do you want the shark or the starfish to get out with you?”

“No”

“You have a choice to bring the shark or the starfish”

Ignores me

“Ok you didn’t make a choice so I will bring the shark out”

Toddler kicking, screaming, throwing a fit. And this happens with nearly every choice! I am at a loss. I know he has the vocabulary to understand and tell me.

He’s flexing his “no” muscle, so let him do it. Then you can decide whether you want to keep doing what you’re doing or not. “You don’t want me to smile. That bothered you.” In other words, he has a right to object, but he doesn’t have the power to control you.