Comments on: My Toddler Doesn’t Behave This Way with Anyone Else!

By: Mel

Mel — Sun, 27 Jun 2021 07:46:21 +0000

Hi Janet, My 22 month old daughter screams A LOT when I’m around, much more then she does for just my husband or the grandparents. My husband seems to think it’s something that I’m doing to encourage that behavior. I don’t necessarily agree with that, I think she just wants my attention in a group setting but I’m not sure how to address it or deter the behavior of constant screaming. I try to acknowledge her and give her attention but the biggest issue is at meal time. I try to have her eat at the same time that rest of us (my husband and his parents typically) sit down but she often is done very quickly or won’t eat, throws her food and once she gets out of her chair she immediately is trying to climb all over me. I want to set a boundary that she doesn’t climb over me and lets me sit and quickly eat. I try to redirect her to go play or read a book and let her know that I will play with her as soon as I’m done eating but it inevitably turns into a full blown tantrum every single time. Please help.

By: Emily

Emily — Sat, 22 May 2021 14:29:57 +0000

Hi Janet,
I just listened to this podcast episode and have found it online to comment. Unsure if you still read these/respond as I know these posts are old.. but here I am anyway!
I was pleased to find this episode (and I did think I’d read them all!!!) because the parent asks something which I have found myself thinking a lot lately which is basically ‘what are the signs that I’m actually getting it right? If a child DOES have a confident leader, what will this child be like day-to-day?’ and I wonder if your answer here really gets the root of that question.
I ask this because I genuinely think I approach most situations with confidence. If I need to make a decision on something, I will give myself time to consider it, but once I am decided, I feel confident in following through. However, even in these situations my daughter (18 months) regularly lets me know verbally that she isn’t impressed with my decision. I have always taken this to be an expression of her will – healthy, and nothing to worry about. However, what I read here suggests that if I am truly being confident then I wouldn’t be met with verbal resistance? Is that right? You tell the mother to be confident when he resists and then he wouldn’t resist.. but that feels a bit chicken and egg.. how do we know when the resistance is a result of our attitude and when it’s a result of their toddler-ness? I want to accept my daughter in all her feelings but doubt creeps in when I start to think.. would she really be reacting this way if I had been confident? Maybe I’m not confident? Then of course, that damages the confidence! Would love your thoughts on this as your work has been a life saver for me! Kind regards, Emily

By: A.B.

A.B. — Sat, 24 Aug 2019 08:09:42 +0000

In reply to janet. Realistically it is about force though. When a two year old is evading a diaper change and thrashing about and twisting all around etc, it’s not just a gentle holding down to finish wiping. It’s like wrestling an octopus and yes you have to use force. I think to say otherwise is sugarcoating the situation.

By: janet

janet — Wed, 06 Mar 2019 21:43:04 +0000

In reply to janet. Also, I think this podcast is better listened to than read (as are most of them).

By: janet

janet — Wed, 06 Mar 2019 21:41:51 +0000

Hi G – It’s not about force, but it is about a dance together that includes some gentle, confident insisting and not being afraid to hold him for a moment while you finish wiping, etc. My mentor Magda Gerber described the process as “I’ll try to dance with you, but then I may need you to dance with me.” So we are flexible, but we don’t give up and aren’t afraid to be firm. This is more respectful, in my opinion, than threatening consequences that the child shouldn’t really be responsible for. All he’s saying is “I can’t get this together right now, so please help me, Mommy. Guide me through.” The gentle insistence is only harmful if we do it angrily.

By: Georgia Skardasi

Georgia Skardasi — Wed, 14 Mar 2018 02:39:07 +0000

Hello Janet,

I read the transcript carefully, as I am also facing the same difficulty.

I also warn my toddler in advance for a diaper change. He usually asks to breastfeed to avoid it. If I deny him that, he screams and cries. When I get him to lie down on the change matt he gets up and runs around. When you write that we have to be physically confident and firm, does that mean that we have to force them into changing the diaper? I have always been so confused about this part. You see, there is all this talk about teaching consent from a young age (don’t kiss or hug if you don’t want to etc), that when I try to force my toddler for a diaper change or getting him dressed I feel guilty as if I am doing something wrong and I am overriding his personal boundaries. As a result I end up using other techniques, which again, I am not sure if they are correct or simply blackmail/ threat.. I.e. when he starts running around I just pick up my book and sit by the change mat and tell him that I will wait there until he is ready, but until then I won’t be playing with him or read to him or let him nurse. I don’t know what to do! Should I be forcing him down instead?

Thank you so much!,