Comments on: Lessons, Sports, and Hobbies: A Child-Led Approach

By: Chris

Chris — Tue, 25 Jul 2023 07:46:25 +0000

In reply to Andrea.

We have the same dilemma. We live in an area with a lot of natural/man-made bodies of water; in fact, right next to a park with a river running through it. During summer time, kids from the neighbourhood come here to swim, so our son (who is four) has been interested in water since he was aware of swimming as a possibility. We asked him if he would like to start swimming and he said yes. We brought him to the pool to see what it looked like and he seemed excited by the prospect. Then he had his first class and it was clear that he’s not entirely comfortable – he doesn’t want to put his head underwater and spits and rubs his face whenever he has to put his face in the water, even a little.

It got worse during the second class. He went to the toilet for a long time in the middle of class, and sat out on a lot of the exercises. I don’t think he’s enjoying himself but whenever I ask him, he says he likes it.

He had the same experience getting used to (pre)school – he found it nerve-wrecking (he said he was “nervous” before school for the first few days) and often went to the toilet and spent a long time there stalling, to the point that his teacher had to go look for him. It took a few months for him to get used to school and now he loves it.

Should we let him continue? Swimming is not school, after all – he could start later. The problem is that he says he likes it even though it seems clear to me (and my husband) that he is not enjoying himself during the classes. Do I listen to him or should I go with what I’m seeing?

By: J

Sun, 21 Aug 2022 14:08:40 +0000

This is a powerful perspective, thanks Janet. We have followed this logic with our five year old daughter, who is very happily home with us and engages in a lot of free and self directed play. I’m wondering how to approach this notion of “waiting” when some anxiety appears to be in the mix. Recently she will ask to do something (sometimes something simple that I know she loves, like time spent with a grandparent, but she also came up with the idea of a tennis lesson) but when the moment comes to leave home and separate from us, she is overcome with anxiety and emotion and no longer wants to see the plan through. She’s often then upset if she misses out, but in the moment it feels so wrong to push her through her anxiety (clinging to us, crying etc). I’m worried she is starting to miss out on things she truly wants because she has convinced herself she cannot even temporarily be away from us. A lot of activities at this age are drop off or don’t allow direct involvement from parents. I’m not sure where the line is between honouring her nerves and encouraging her to push through. I’d love your take on this.

By: Allison Krausman

Allison Krausman — Sat, 20 Aug 2022 10:31:26 +0000

Thank you so much for this! This resonates with me so much. My oldest is 4.5 and thought we haven’t gotten into activities yet, I’ve already planned to not “sign him up for too much” and have no interest in having my weekends filled with things. But this feels like it’s giving me the permission I needed to just let him decide and not push anything and I LOVE that. Thank you for this.

By: Martina

Martina — Sat, 20 Aug 2022 06:15:09 +0000

Thank you, that resonates so much with me. I am trying to find my way with these things and this put so many things into words I am struggling to know. The difficulty is that I have to be so aware what I want and what us actually good for the kids.
With my oldest I had to learn it the hard way. I suggested she go to a sining group after Kindergarten and she was very happy to go and never said anything against it and participated just fine. Only she had a fever about every other week after the group. I had to realize it was just too much for her and pull her out.
I still feel bad sometimes because my kids don‘t swim as well (or at all). But thinking about enrolling them in a swim class, how stressful that would be I decided against and instead for going to have a swim with them and my mum (who is a swim teacher) a couple of times and they not only had fun but actually learned a lot playing with grandma and mum.
When my oldest wanted to play the violin at 8 I let her and she is soaring. She is already overtaking kids who played a year longer because she was just ready.
Your article also gives me courage to enroll my 4-yo in Cello lessons. He has been talking about it ever since Christmas but remembering his sister at that age I thought I should wait, but he really wants it. So maybe we could just give it a try. And if I habe to pull him out – no harm done.
It is possible for kids to be influenced by other kids though. My second thought she should do ballet like her older sister – and after two classes only screamed. We tried twice – both times she initiated it. The third time I just said no. Somehow she felt she had to do it.
Thank you so much for the article. I just know reading you is always so good if I can take the time.

By: Andrea

Andrea — Sat, 20 Aug 2022 05:13:28 +0000

Hi,
I mostly agree with this approach.
My son plays soccer for some time now and really loves it. I would never enroll him to other sports without his explicit which.
But there is one exception for me.
We live next to the biggest rivers in the country, a small river is 2 mins walking and a lake just 5 mins away by bike .
Thus all these places can be reached easily as soon as the kids are allowed to play without parents supervision outside.
This is the reason why I enrolled him in swimming lessons. He did not like it in the beginning, but as soon as he was able to swim without aids he really started to enjoy it.
How do you handle such dilemmas?

By: Missy Wilhelm

Missy Wilhelm — Sat, 20 Aug 2022 03:13:44 +0000

I say this to witness to the impact your kindness has had and continues to have on the life of 1 family. Just earlier this evening I was fretting over the vision I have for my family and the barriers to living it, these concepts had been asked of me recently and I’ve been stewing over it. I have my eyes on my children and I together and as individuals loving our neighbors as our selves. That is my vision that is the mission. To me that means big things and many small things. I want for us to serve and care as we have been served and cared for. At this time though, my children’s basic developmental needs and my young family’s neediness when it comes to care is still great. Caring and caregiving takes so much time! I sometimes get impatient that we are not further along in our (my) mission to go out and love because laying the foundation required is so consuming. I am reminded that the investment we make now will have significance when the time comes to go out together or scatter and return. The love this mother pours out today is not for nothing-it is of critical importance for the soul that receives it. I can and must love and serve well now the ones I have been given to love and serve. Right now the mission is here and the mission is now. The barrier is thinking that the mission is something of more importance and discounting or hurrying it. In tending my young family I am being a steward of what I have been given that we might return the gift when the time is full. Reading your post and learning of a text with title referring to a hurried child brings fierce sadness and a protectiveness to my nervous system. Long live childhood and applause to you Janet and RIE-folk for nurturing while you are given the privilege. Love above all else.

By: Missy Wilhelm

Missy Wilhelm — Sat, 20 Aug 2022 02:26:08 +0000

I love this so much. I could not love this more. And I feel seen by you Janet, today, right now. When other families are doing all the activities every season all year weekdays and weekends.. and my family spends our time doing very few of the activities, I wonder how they are motivated to do it. My children are 7 and 6, homeschooled, and just trying their very first lessons/activities this year, and only 1 at a time. To pick up one activity requires putting down the initial one. And taking turns unless both children are participating in the same class such as swimming lessons this summer. My youngest, age 2, needs abundant time plodding around the back yard and for his family to take the same joy as he does in making mud pies. He needs time for baby led weaning painting his placemat with his lunch while the rest of the family eats and chats and marvels and tells stories of when the other two children did the same thing when they were this age. If we were hustling back and forth when would this happen? Child led participation and self motivated engagement is thrilling to observe and to hold space for, trusting that it will happen at the right time. I am in circles where I often feel like the odd duck choosing my self care of serving family dinner and protecting plentiful down time for my kids to play and making sure our schedules are wide open for trips to the library or spending extra time at an errand to observe and discuss how things work.
Thank you for your words and thoughts and how you offer them “in my (your) voice” as it is testimony of your life and experience which is incredibly valuable because every person’s testimony and experience is. Choosing to trust a child, for me, takes occasional course correction on my part so that I can let go of matters that I start to take into my own hands and instead let them hang in the air instead where they belong. I have been reading your writings for about 6 years now and this is my first time posting because this really is perpendicular to modern family life. Please keep sharing, your perspective and heart have changed my life and countless others’. I could go on and on but thank you and “Yes!”.