I’ve been absorbing and loving Janet’s information for the past 3 years. I have a 3 year old daughter and 5 year old son. Wish I had known about Janet 6 years ago!
I came here to comment as I am listening to this podcast on my phone. This mom and her struggles have fully resonated with me, coming from a traumatic, physically/psychologically abusive childhood with lots of yelling and shaming.
Just like the mom in the podcast said, intellectually I completely agree and understand everything Janet says about normal child behaviors, yet in the moment of challenging behavior it is soooooo hard to be “unruffled”.
I can be telling myself in a tough moment “stay unruffled, stay calm, don’t yell, they’re not doing it on purpose, etc” and yet I am still screaming uncontrollably and hating on myself for not having control, feeling completely helpless, and then crying that I can’t be the mom I want to be. The struggle is real. You are not alone. All that matters is that you keep trying, be honest about your struggles, and apologize when needed.

I am replying to Krista’s comment because as I was listening to this mom talk, literally feeling like she was saying the words from my head, I wanted to tell her that it sounds like she might need some therapy of her own to help her find and learn how to use the mental tools she needs to be the mom she wants to be. She’s getting triggered for sure, something I never realized about myself until a few years ago after seeking therapy. If we can’t recognize and acknowledge our triggers than it makes it that much harder to parent with calm confidence.

I have also done EMDR therapy and so far, its the only therapy that I have felt actual progress and growth in myself. I am still in therapy and I also read (listen to) a ton of self-help books to improve my mental health and find the peace and calm I have been longing for, for my whole life. All I can say is learning and striving to be present, conscious, and mindful (noticing all the unproductive thoughts) has been my saving grace. It allows me to be more like the parent I want to be. I am not perfect, not even close, but week by week and month by month, my patience and kindness towards my kids in those challenging moments is growing and happening more and more often than before.
I also work on self-compassion, because I am really hard on myself, just like this mom. I have high expectations for myself, my kids, and everyone around me. So my advice is to try and pat yourself on the back and notice all the times you do react the way you want, all the times you remain calm, or all the times you stop yourself and rephrase or change that tone of voice. Try and stay focused on all the positive things you do for your kids everyday. It’s a lot and it matters.

Having children is the best reason to get therapy and become the best mother and best human you can be.

Hi Hazel,

In my parenting experience, trauma therapy has really helped (EMDR has been amazing and so healing in ways that other therapies have not been able to). Often, traumas from our own childhoods, even things that to our now-adult selves seem like we “should” have been able to handle, can be triggered by high levels of noise (along with so many other things). Being triggered can look/feel like the paralysis you described, “fried” nervous system, overwhelm/breakdown, sweating, numbing out, and many other sensations/experiences, and they result in intense desperation to make the trigger stop, understandably. Until I started really committing to healing my trauma, I would often feel disappointed in myself, like, “why can’t I just do what Janet is saying can help!? I know what I *should* do, what is wrong with me?!” Beating myself up was not helping, and looking for easier solutions to implement was not something I wanted to do, because I really resonate with respectful, peaceful parenting. I was just having a hard time, and I needed to get help. Help for my self, and so that I could parent the way I knew was best for the little people in my life.

I know it’s not maybe the answer you were looking for, but it’s what I have learned from my own experience: once I have healed me (even if not totally) I can show up, I am resourced enough, to be with my kids when their emotions and corresponding behaviors get big because I have some space for it; I am no longer so uncontrollably overwhelmed by it that it tips the (already full) scales. And, when I don’t show up the way I want, I am able to offer myself compassion so much more readily, which helps me to move into a new space rather than stay locked in overwhelm. I really related to the parent in this article in many ways – wanting to be the “BEST” parent, worrying (catastrophizing, really) about what would happen if I failed, being so overwhelmed that I can’t parent the way I really want to, and then having produced evidence that I am actually a failure (with all the weight that carries for me and my kids). It’s so vicious. And I am so glad I stopped trying to go it alone and surrendered to healing what needed to be attended to. Doing EMDR therapy for trauma and anxiety has been life changing, and I’m hopeful and feeling more and more confident as a parent, and in all areas of my life.

I hope this helps someone reading it to finally decide to put your own healing on the map of your (parenting) life. It’s so much easier and so worth it. It may be some work, but you absolutely won’t regret it.

Thank you, J.A., your comments are beautiful and helpful. Wishing you continued joy in your journey!

I love your podcast and approach. Thank you so much for all you do and share!

As an adoptive mom to two young kids, I connected with what this parent said about feeling entrusted with her sons. Every day I am struck by what an incredible honor and privilege it is to be the woman who gets to mother them. And, as part of that privilege, we strive to be extra-super-double sure that our kids feel and know so deeply that we love everything about them unconditionally and that we wholeheartedly welcome all of their feelings/thoughts/questions/perspectives (the easy ones, super hard ones, all those in between). This all feels extra important recognizing that, on top of the usual big feelings and developmental growing pains, our kids have/will have added layers/complexities related to their adoptions and the inherent trauma of losing their first families that we need to be sensitive to and present for.

As I think about how to best support my children in feeling truly seen and completely safe throughout their lives, I am learning a lot from adult adoptees who are sharing their stories and experiences so generously in books, blogs, on twitter, etc. It’s so powerful to be able to hear their perspectives and experiences. I carry those insights, along with your respectful parenting approach and other useful inputs that help me feel like we are on the track we want to be on (not some absolute “right track” necessarily, but the track that feels right and positive and nourishing for us and our kids).

So when one of my children is having a hard time with something, I try think about the ways in which how I handle their big feelings and tougher moments now connect with how I want to be a completely soft and safe landing place for them and everything that comes up for them throughout their lives. Rather than add pressure to be flawlessly patient and other such impossible things, it actually gives me a really clear North Star to point myself toward and calibrate to. An added benefit of being centered on that long view is that it can also help me to reject (and refute, if I have the time and energy) suggestions from relatives and others that aren’t in alignment with that goal and what my children may experience and need, both now and in the future. I think it also helps me to steer clear of expectations or wishes that they be different in any way… recognizing that I certainly don’t feel seen or safe if someone is trying to change me (that said, we do occasionally eagerly await the natural decline of certain phases/developmentally appropriate behaviors).

So lovely, Janet. Such a powerful post you shared with us here. My boys are 9 and 5. When they were younger it was easier for me to be relaxed, take it in. Now I feel subject to social pressure about what they should do (the schools they should go to, the instrument they should be playing) and have a hard time letting go.

As you said it is very much based around fear and is feeling like failures. I was just telling me this morning that it’s their life not mine.

So that powerful dialogue came in at the right time.

Thank you Janet and best wishes on the parent of these two little boys on her journey