Thank you so much for all you do, first off. You’ve helped me through some very challenging times and helped me to grow as a parent.

I have two questions: at what age does hitting become absolutely not okay? And does your approach to hitting stop once that age happens?

My 5 year old is still apt to hit his 3 year old sister with very little reason at times (sometimes he’s just walking past her and knocks her down unprompted). Most times they’re playing end with him hitting her in some way, or trying to. I know that he was unsettled by her birth and continues to feel displaced, and while I’ve tried really hard to reassure him he’s loved, just as he is, no matter what he does, and to spend time with just him. But honestly I’m just so tired of having to stand in and stop the hitting from happening with most interactions.

We’ve recently added name calling to this, and since that’s even harder to stop I feel a little powerless lately. I try to get him to put himself in her shoes when he calls her something, or I check in with him to see if he’s okay, while checking my daughter is okay, but a lot of the time he thinks it’s a game, my trying to stop him, and I lose patience at times because I need to be making dinner (etc) and can’t be hovering over them constantly. It’s been a long three years and while we do have more positive moments of them playing lately, I still feel like the moment I let my guard down is when the hitting or hurting happens. I’m exhausted.

Is there anything different or more I should be doing here?

Thank you again!

Hi Mieken. Sounds like she needs a lot more physical help from you. I would NOT let her do anything physically bothersome to you, even something only slightly annoying. Stick up for yourself! Not just with words but by blocking her, removing her hands from you immediately, etc. She may be strong but she is only 4 years old and you can certainly keep her at bay. If she can’t behave while you are in the bathroom, get a lock for the door. You deserve your personal boundaries and to be treated gently. You are the #1 model for her of how to respect others. So this is crucial, not only for you but for her as well. You’ve got this!

I havent seen this covered – have i missed something?

Thanks, Rachel. A lot of questions come to mind for me in trying to figure out your situation, mainly: How do you respond to her behaviors and how have boundaries gone for you generally? It’s true that transitions, changes of any kind (many of which in the early years are internal as children develop so rapidly!), create stress and sensitivity to dysregulation. The changes can even be very positive ones. But it can be other kinds of stressors as well. Behavior doesn’t come out of the blue. and the discomfort she’s feeling could also be in your responses… and it could be as minor as her feeling something like, “My parents don’t quite have a handle on this behavior, they seem puzzled by it, so I have the impulse to do it again to try to get a more confident response.” This is why our confidence and unfuffledness can be important. Regarding the jacket, my suggestion is not getting into a power struggle there (or anywhere, actually) which is part of projecting confidence as leaders. So, instead of making an issue out of that, I’d pick it up myself or leave it.

Anyway, her father and I have also been going through a lot of hitting (us and the dog), screaming, and calling us “stupid”. I came online to see what you would have to say and read the above transcript realizing I also listened to this episode a couple of months ago.

My main question is not really a question, but more of a comment. So many of your podcasts mention that the addition of a new family member or major transition in a young child’s life can unleash challenging behaviors. However, in our case, everything continues to be status quo. We haven’t moved, my partner (her father) and I have a strong relationship, we don’t have another child on the way, etc. Yet, we still face these challenges. I suppose I am hoping for some reassurance that we are not raising a brat (hah) given that we don’t fit into any of the situations you so commonly mention. And perhaps, a friendly reminder as you formulate your responses to your writers, that not all families listening/reading are necessarily going through the common transitions you mention when experiencing challenging behaviors. 🙂

Also, Going back specifically to your response above, I am uncertain how you would see the jacket situation through. You say that you would let that one go – in terms of the writer battling her daughter to pick up her jacket – what does that mean you would encourage the mother to pick up the jacket for the child? Or decide the child just simply doesn’t need a jacket that day? The same situation happens with us in a variety of circumstances, and I’ve never exactly sure how to see it through.

Thanks very much for sharing your experience and counsel, as always.

Thank you for all your kind support! I’m thrilled to hear that letting go of trying to empathize was helpful to you. It really is not feasible and it’s too much to expect of ourselves a lot of the time. You’ve got this! Thank you again x