This response seems to miss several important elements of the idea behind how to respond to children and also it confuses emotions with rationale.
Entitlement is not an emotion.
Anger is an emotion and that is what adults need to recognize and accept in children (and my own pop psychology two cents, in their own reactions and behavior).
By intervening and preventing a child from hitting, the adult is both protecting others and teaching the child that it is not acceptable behavior. Janet has nowhere recommended “rewarding” aggressive behavior.

He wants constant attention and the minute my back’s turned he will be up to something so I can’t always help him put things down or take him away (family feel I then should be punishing him after the fact). I’m trying to set firm limits and accept his feelings but it’s SO tiring and hearbreaking having to tell him no so much. I get him out all day so he at least has the main part of the day being relatively free (I still explain about respecting other people when out too).

He does seem to be understanding rules are different at different places now which is wonderful to see done the respectful way but I think it’s me that’s affected by seeing him shouted at, threatened, criticised and his feelings not be accepted. Hopefully I can let him heal.

I’m struggling to know when to just let stuff go though as it’s probably only temporary and just give him a cuddle or be firm each time (feels like he’s told off enough) – AP & UP advise me to let things go & give him the attention he craves, RIE suggests he needs more boundaries at this time, I follow a bit of each so I’m unsure!

I’m just interested when you say children react out of hunger, I’m pretty sure my son has never been so hungry it would affect his mood, if they’re eating 3 real food meals a day with plenty of fat (we rarely do snacks) they shouldn’t be over hungry. My son rarely tells me he’s hungry after breakfast. Maybe if kids are having sugary cereals for breakfast that could be why? Also snacks mean they don’t eat enough at each meal time so that may contribute too. Balancing sugar with fat & protein at each meal is important for stabilising blood sugar xx

I have to agree with this. From psychology sessions have taken myself I have learnt that regardless of what has made me angry that by not reacting to the feeling it goes away quicker than if I had an outburst. Also I am less likely to react in the future as the connections in my brain that cause such a quick outburst/reaction start to change and something else starts to become the automatic response. This is what i was taught and it has changes my life for the better. Same with my parenting, I get angry at m toddler I am more likely to get angry again, if i stop what feels like an automatic response then I am better equip to do this again and again and keep calm.
I very much enjoy and agree with respectful parenting and follow many of RIE principles when it comes to babes play space and freedom of movement and talking to out toddlers and babies but, as my toddler grows I am seriously doubting the benefit of allowing him to express huge outbursts of anger and yelling of hurtful things at me and my husband. It is not the way I want him to learn to manage these feelings, however from the advice here I feel like we are being told to let it be ad accept all feelings. I can stop him climbing on a table but that wont stop any yelling and verbal abuse towards us. Also what happened when they are older, it is not going to to them any favours going to primary school yelling and screaming having a tantrum to work through their feelings.

Just some of my recent thoughts.

Anneka

You could have said that without the shaming elements. Clearly this person has limited experience, knowledge and scope. Presenting the data in a kind or at least measured way would have been enough.

My usually happy funny gentle 17 month old son recently began having massive tantrums around the same time every day, 8 amish, and then right before bed. I feel it’s a combination of fatigue, low blood sugar, and also frustration over weaning. However 8 am (after a 6 am wake up) feels too early for nap, so I try to direct us to quiet time/reading when I feel it coming on. Usually that has worked but not in the past few days.

It usually happens after he asks for milk (I am slowly trying to wean him from daytime feedings), and while it seems he’s okay when I say “not until night night,” a few minutes later he will erupt after getting very frustrated with a certain toy, or if I deny him a certain object that I don’t want him to have at that moment (something he points to on the counter–not on the floor, for instance). He is soooo upset that it’s hard to hold him or help him calm down, and today I ended up nursing him to help him calm down as I was afraid he might bang his head in the bathtub (where I somehow got him into in my quest to help him through it!) I have been trying to hold him, tell him “I hear how upset you are and I will keep you safe” and letting him just cry, until he slowly comes out of it through either a new activity offered (but not in the midst of the total rage, more like towards the end of it) or, like today, breastfeeding. But also today I put him in his crib for 10 seconds and walked out, just to gather my bearings and because he was so actively upset and I was afraid he would maybe head butt me. I just wanted to ask, do you think I am handling this correctly? I know I gave in with breastfeeding, but when you are concerned with his safety is it better to just give in or…??? Thank you!

Maria,
Would anything change if her dad went in when your daughter wakes up? Maybe she would realize a little sooner that there’s no point in waking up every night to demand something she’s not going to get.

Do you seriously believe that feelings disappear because a child has been punished, shamed, scared or forced into “swallowing” them? That is a misguided and dangerous, but sadly common attitude. Or perhaps you believe toddlers should be expected to regulate their feelings on an adult level. Here’s an article that might help you to understand the process of self-regulation: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kenneth-barish-phd/how-do-children-learn-to-_b_3890461.html

I absolutely DO think the feelings behind hitting another child are “perfectly” valid and need to be accepted by the parent or caregiver. The key to healthy emotional regulation is feeling safe to express emotions, being understood. “You feel like hitting, but I won’t let you hit. That would hurt your friend. I see how much you want that toy he has… You seem frustrated and angry” (while allowing the child to continue screaming or crying). “Maybe when he’s done…” Obviously that doesn’t mean allowing the child to hit, just as I did not allow the child to climb on the table.

How do you perceive this as “rewarding” children for aggressive behavior?

Here are some of many studies on the dangers of emotional repression: http://www.nytimes.com/1988/03/03/us/health-new-studies-report-health-dangers-of-repressing-emotional-turmoil.html

“Repressers tend to be rational and in control of their emotions,” Dr. Weinberger said. ”They see themselves as people who don’t get upset about things, who are cool and collected under stress. You see it in the competent surgeon or lawyer who values not letting his emotions shade his judgment.”

The represser’s calm is bought at a great price. Recent reports have linked a repressing personality to a higher risk for asthma, high blood pressure and overall ill health.

Then…

“With biofeedback,” Dr. Schwartz said, ”we can show them the difference between their experience and how their body actually behaves.

…The repressers gradually recover the memories of their childhood feelings and learn to experience their own feelings of anger, anxiety or depression. ”Once they feel it’s safe to have negative experiences and talk about it, they rebuild their emotional repertoire…”

You obviously don’t work with young children (I hope).

If you mean that the feelings are authentic, okay fine. But to say that they are perfect? Are you saying that when a child feels entitled to hit another child that is a perfect feeling?

Are you aware that clinical studies have been done on this subject that show that rewarding children for aggressive behavior conditions them to take pleasure in violence?

Thanks for the Freudian pop psychology, but in all seriousness think about the harm that you are encouraging.

There is no such things as repressed feelings. When you “swallow” your anger it goes away. When you “express” your anger you create connections between the anger and the pleasure associated with expressing it. Does it feel good to hit a pillow? Yes. But that is the problem.