You’re son sounds exactly like how my nephew was at that age. My sister read doctor Dobsons books. Very specifically how to raise a strong willed child. I can’t say enough good things about how life changing they were/are. You’re not alone and shouldn’t have to walk on egg shells every time to prevent a massive meltdown.

Rachel,

I had (have) two kids out of four who are EXACTLY as you describe. My oldest was like this and is now 21. She is a brilliant, artistic, compassionate woman in pre-med. My 3 year old is slowly growing out of this phase right now, after about a year of these multiple-times-a-day extreme meltdowns. It is a variation of normal (I am assuming, based on the bit of info you provided here, and in my own personal experience).

There’s not much you *can* do except survive through them. The more you push on those fear/anxiety buttons that there is something wrong with the child, the more anxious and concerned your interactions with them are, and the more anxious/concerned they feel. It’s such a vicious cycle, and it is beyond exhausting!!! It sounds like you’re doing a great job and sometimes we really need to vent and feel heard. I hear you!!! This, too, shall pass.

When upset, my son can (understandably) become more angry if he feels I’m trying to stop him, hold him, “make” him calm down, etc. Of course – I’d feel that way, too! I find the key, for us, is for me to contain him in an area, only stopping him from leaving and giving him as much freedom in it as I can (like dropping my arms if he’ll stay in it and only raising them to stop him from leaving, or to stop him from serious harm – even hitting his head is unlikely to actually seriously hurt him in a long-term sense (and the last thing you want to do is give an angry, oppositional child the idea you don’t want them to do something, right? They may just want to do it more!).

I keep mostly quiet, with a sympathetic tho concerned look on my face, and only speak if necessary (e.g. “we have to stay here, it’s not save to stand where we’re blocking or running into people walking by.” If I think it won’t enflame the situation, I might start with “I’m sad to see you so sad.”, “Can I help?” or “Do you want something?”. He seems to accept that I’m only putting one limitation on him (stay in this area), as opposed to what can come across as many limitations when you’re struggling to physically hold onto a child. I would hate to be physically restrained!

A related point: I decided long ago to at most “detain” my son, immediately letting go again, instead of continuing to hold on to him. If he tries to leave the area, I would stop him and let go again, sometimes in quick succession, and sometimes explaining briefly “I’ll let you go if you don’t leave.” He wouldn’t want to be held if mad, so he seemed to appreciate being given some space and autonomy, even if it couldn’t be much because of where we were (e.g. a city sidewalk).

I can totally relate. While my daughter does not do them too frequently, she does those 30-40 minutes of loud screaming where nothing anyone says is heard. While she does not usually endanger herself during these bursts, it is really really hard to stay calm when she’s having the meltdown in the kindergarten hallways, and a bunch of kids start gathering around me asking what is wrong. Or on a crowded street during Xmas and a homeless woman stopping by to say “Santa does not bring bad kids toys” – happened to my husband.

I have used – for lack of a better description – my physical strength to contain her when it was getting out of control; as in thrashing around in cold wet mud. I saw no other way, we had a 20 minute walk ahead of us and she’d freeze with wet clothes. I have physically constrained her several times because she tried to pull my hair, bite me. The good news is after those episodes and after we talk about what happened – she seeks a lot of physical closeness and wants to spend a lot of time with me. I’m taking that as a good sign.

To stop the meltdown once it happens, I have no good advice. I wait it out until she is calm enough to hear me again. But I’ve tried to understand why they happen and plan ahead. It is mostly a combination of tired/hungry and being interrupted/expectation not being met. It helped us ALOT to talk about beforehand what is going to happen to ease transitions. “We will visit XYZ, but we need to leave before dinner time. I will tell you 10 minutes before it is time to leave.” And I’ve actually set a timer on my cellphone and showed her.

Sometimes I feel like I have the only child having extremely intense meltdowns. So I really understand your frustration.

I just wanted you to know that you aren’t alone. My son is almost 22 months old, and I was having serious issues with him anytime I told him to do something. His biggest problem has been with throwing things, and it is very frustrating. Sometimes he’d carry on for almost 20 minutes, just screaming and trying to find things to throw. He is beginning to understand that he cannot throw things or hit people. If he does, I put him upstairs in his crib. It gives him some time to be in a safe place, and it usually results in him calming down and playing with some of his stuffed animals. When I take him out, I explain that he cannot throw things, and ask him to try again. It’s important to be consistent, I’ve found. I really just wanted you to know I understand the meltdown scenario. He had an episode last week and was trying to throw the leaf blower in our laundry room, screaming and spinning in circles. I let him go. I stood nearby, but trying to hold him would result in my being hit, and trying to talk to him would just make him angrier. Once he calmed down a bit, I was able to approach him and walk him into another room. I hope it becomes easier for you. It is very difficult.

It was time to go to bed and negotiations were underway about which trains could be taken to bed (obviously this happens in a lot of households :)). My son was a bit upset but it was only when his Dad decided to choose for him that he became really distressed. I was struck by this at the time but hadn’t really processed it until I read this post. In doing so I have remembered times when I have been struggling with deciding about something which is important to me and provokes anxiety (even though it may not seem important or difficult to others). Sometimes, whilst I am ‘dithering’ others have pressurised me or maybe taken matters out of my hands in an attempt to ‘help’ which has provoked in me anger, upset and an intense sense of helplessness. I can completely understand why sometimes we cannot wait forever for our children to decide about such things but thinking about how this might feel to my son has given me a new sensitivity to what my he might be experiencing in such moments and why his reactions might be so intense. Thank you.

Thank you so much for this reply. I feel like I truly understand what you’re saying now. I was hung up on the idea that “even acknowledging feelings can make the situation worse”, when what I should have focused on was “in the hopes of calming our child”. If someone is only acknowledging in the hopes of calming, with that implicit message that you are pressuring them to “wrap up” their meltdown or emotions, I think that would definitely carry across in the voice’s tone.

Even a kind, empathetic response can feel to the child like you are pressuring them to “wrap up” their emotions or mimise them. And I have seen first hand how even a small word or change in demeanor can even go so far as to begin an emotional episode – in my 3-4 classroom, there is a child who is having trouble with accidents. If a staff member displays *any* hint of disappointment, frustration or unkindness towards her mistake, she becomes very ashamed and begins lashing out, pushing and kicking. I have never had her do this to me, and have in fact intervened when she was kicing and pushing at another educator, and she immediately stopped doing that the moment I came down to her level, told her I wasn’t angry, and said I would wait for her to feel better before I tried to change her. I really was relaxed and calm, and I think she read that in my tone and body language and knew it was genuine, so she stopped kicking and pushing, and very quickly became much less distressed (she had been crying in that “almost screaming” way). She has such sensitivity and an acute sense of shame about this issue, and I am in the process of helping the other educators to see that she can pick up on even a trace of disappointment or frusration in their tone or demenour, and react to it. It shows how sensitive children truly are.

Thank you for your reponse! It has really helped my understanding.

*nods!* I think I understand a bit better now, after your response and Janet’s.

“When children are interrupted in the middle of tantrum, even when it’s with a kind, empathetic response, gentle reasoning, a helpful suggestion, acknowledging the feelings in hopes of calming our child, etc., this usually ends up intensifying the meltdowns.”

Like, sometimes even a kind, empathetic response can feel to the child like you are pressuring them to “wrap up” their meltdown or emotions, or trying to minimise their emotions. It was only the phrase “acknowledging the feelings” phrase that threw me, when what I should have focused on was “in the hopes of calming our child”. If I am only acknowledging in the hopes of calming, I think that would definitely carry across in my tone, and I think that is what Janet was trying to say.

Thank you for your reply! I must say that, although I think this is a really good strategy, I have had some incredibly insightful moments asking questions of children who were still visibly upset and didn’t want to be touched/cuddled/comforted. I would ask these questions after any “peak” in the emotional cycle, and then back right off if another peak seemed to be ramping up. A child recently told me “I am never happy!” during on of these gently ‘questioning during trough of meltdown’ instances, which I thought was a powerful utterance that really spoke to where that child was emotionally and the need for more positive interaction with that child.

I think I might understand your question and what Janet meant… I think you shouldn’t say this things if your child is so upset that you end up talking over him (like talking when your words get lost in the screaming); they’re great to say when there is a pause in the screaming or when your child’s tantrum starts to subside. I try to think about whether my words will add to the general feeling of noise and chaos (bad; makes both of us louder, and in that case it’s better for me to be a quiet, calm presence) or whether what I say will make the emotional outburst feel more like a conversation in which everyone is heard (good; if I wait for a natural pause, my daughter seems to feel like I’m responding to her rather than talking over her, and her focus shifts from outburst to communication). You know how great teachers don’t shout over a noisy classroom but instead find that moment of quiet and speak quietly? Like that!