I love this so much. She sounds like the parent I would dream to be. I admire how she is calm and respectful of the child and herself. And the part about no expectations that they are not a project or experiment but a child (person). Thank you for sharing. It opened my eyes a bit more.

This was the biggest revelation for me and relieved a lot of my anxiety! My son cries before almost every sleep whether he’s being held or not. I do the basics first to make sure needs are met (change diaper, feed, offer pacifier), but if none of that works, I just tell him, “I hear you, you are uncomfortable and have a lot of tension to release. I will be here for you and listen to you.” And then just hold him, not as an attempt to soothe, but just to let him know I’m there. Sometimes he keeps crying for a while, but usually that helps him wind down faster to know he’s being listened to and supported.

Yes, I was honestly a bit disturbed myself by how disturbed she seems at the idea of considering the mother’s needs. I started out very AP. I held or wore my daughter constantly, and she slept in my bed. It really drained me, and my mental health suffered. (Understatement, trust me.) When I found RIE, I cried such tears of relief. I didn’t have to bleed myself dry in order to be a nurturing mother! I think AP might work well for someone with a very different personality and needs, but it did not work for me. I NEED the alone time! It makes me a much better mother. I love the concept of giving my child 100% of myself part of the time, rather than only part of myself 100% of the time. (Misquote, I know… but I can’t find the actual quote!)

I’ve just finished reading “No bad kids” and am now reading “No Drama discipline” from the author of “the whole brained child” and so far they seem to be reflecting each other.

Yes, thanks, Dave.

I’m really glad you filled in the missing lines. I learnt in my history lessons at school to always be wary of evidence like “….brilliant….”
And yet reading Dr Laura’s piece about Gerber I totally forgot to consider the other parts of Gerbers sentences that had been left out. It sounds so incredibly different when you add those extra lines.

Such a thoughtful and interesting comment, Marcia. I really appreciate it!

What I love and what fascinates me the most, is what a perfect blend of AP and RIE she uses, and how naturally this comes to her. She has back carried my children (she uses a towel) to calm them and at times to get them to sleep. I loved to watch the blissful, peaceful look that came over their faces when they went onto her back (this did not always happen with me, not sure if it was the modern carrier or the stressed out first time mom). She has also at times put them in their cots awake and allowed them to niggle a bit.
When I ask her about sleep in her culture, she told me that no child ever sleeps alone at night. They are always with a family member, even if it is a sibling. To some degree I believe this could be because of space restrictions. She laughed when I asked her the question, because I think she finds our western ways overly complex.

There is also the other side to this. She has absolutely no fear of a child crying. Her facial expressions do not change at all. Before I read about RIE, to be honest, I thought she didn’t care. But since learning about allowing crying, I have watched her again. She is always right there, right next to the child, reflecting “oh you are tired” with no attempt to stop the emotion. She never interferes with their play unless they invite her into an imaginary tea party or some other game, but even then, she often declines with a hearty laugh, reflecting what they are doing “you are having so much fun at your tea party”. The thing that fascinates me the most about her is that she never loses her calm demeanour, she never feels conflicted or stressed. As a result, she never raises her voice. She’s not focusing on being unstressed, it just simply isn’t natural for her to go there. To her, they are children, not a project, she has no expectations of how her day with them will go.

If we have to simplify all of this AP vs RIE, I like to look at it this way. The main difference between the modern, western parent and parents of other past and present cultures is this – the focus on the child. Now we have the time and resources to read about what’s “best”. We “try” things. We “learn” with our logical mind about parenting in an academic way. We weigh up approaches. But ultimately if we were that mother living in rural Africa with nine children and a husband at war, we would do whatever worked and whatever we had seen our mothers do. And it very likely would be a strong blend of AP and RIE. There would be no conflict in our minds about getting it right. When you have nine children, you can’t back carry them all the time. Sometimes they will cry without being picked up. You certainly aren’t sitting down to play with them all that often. They won’t be sleeping alone in a cot. But will they grow up as secure, independant individuals having experienced clear boundaries? I’m quite sure they will.

I am so glad you make this point. “Instincts” are driven by so many factors, including biology, culture, what we have been taught and modeled, emotions, etc. Creating an open, honest relationship with your baby is not the same as relying on “instincts.” My instincts might tell me to stop Baby from crying because I am instinctively (biologically, culturally, emotionally) conditioned to feel very uncomfortable with my baby’s crying. Waiting and observing Baby as she cries may help me understand that she simply needs to cry for a few minutes and prevent me from hushing her and denying her needs.

With respect, Cory, this could not be farther from the truth: “You seem to believe that a person not immediately becoming a RIE “true believer” is all the grounds needed to find them unworthy of remaining in community with other teachers and students.” I would certainly not be here and in so many other places sharing and discussing and debating if that was what I believed. Nor would I be here online sharing this approach I love if I had not been able to follow my own learning process of questioning and discussing and debating it with Magda Gerber and other RIE Associates. I considered that education a great privilege and gladly paid a substantial tuition for it. I gave it a great deal of my time and focus as well… happily! Magda and her RIE community were precious gifts that I have never, ever taken for granted.

In this new age with the internet, information is offered far more widely and freely. The obvious result of that is that the information is taken for granted. In that context, I believe that everyone should, at least, have the right to form their own pages, discussion groups, etc., and be allowed to designate the rules and guidelines of their groups. I hope you’ll agree.