About bedtime. I know this is so hard. But if you make sure she uses the toilet before bed and ask about a snack before toothbrushing my suggestion would be to go to her, hug her, acknowledge the fact that she wants a bit of connection and perhaps restate your limits (but it‘s bedtime, I want you to stay in bed). Then go out. If she has a tantrum (probable at first) just handle it like you would during the day, firmly but emphatically. Does that make sense?

Example, my daughter wanted a bottle, I said not until bedtime (15 minutes away, but I didn’t bother saying that, she knew it was soon). She said, I am! And went to fridge and took it out and into playroom. I stayed in the kitchen, and DIDN’T MAKE HER PUT IT BACK. I paused. I didn’t know what I was going to do if she drank from it, because, first, I was going to let my knee-jerk learned anger move through me without acting on it.

Well, she placed the bottle next to her puzzle and just did the puzzle. She believed me. She trusted me. And I was mature and didn’t create a power play over putting the bottle back in the fridge, “because I said so.”

15 minutes later she was about to start another puzzle and I now have a casual demeanor, which I used to fake, rather than act on the anger, and I said she could do the puzzle in the morning. She protested, which I don’t freak out inside myself as much (I am recently really coming into myself, with all the learning and practicing I have been doing here) and I continued to gather up her blankies and not butting heads with her.

I trust myself when I say, You can do the puzzle in the morning, it’s time for bed now.” I am not mean like my mother used to be, “Get to bed!!”

I completely trust you and believe you when you offer guidance and support surrounding the protests of a child: let the plates drop.

Yeah. Yes. Let the plates drop.

Those really are the best moments of the day–if I took good care of myself, first. I now get to bed on time. Exercise at least 10 minutes a day, even a plank pose and stretching. And I do a yoga nidra session I found on Youtube. Deep relaxation for 35 minutes. I am nothing as a person, much less a mother, without the self-care first. Thanks for everything.

Wow that is a beautiful and powerful advice Janet.
Good Luck Sarah!

We’ve also used our observations along with Janet’s interaction methods. Our observations give us ideas for changes we can make in a classroom to support a biter’s stress. But the first thing we always do is make sure the biter feels attached to one of us. You know how toddlers check in with their mothers by looking around for them and making eye contact. That s their way of feeling safe and assured that mom has everything under control. We watch for that behavior and smile when her eyes find us. We use lots of nonverbal affection that doesn’t interupt play. And for the toddler who has trouble during transitions, we limit them. Reduce wait time. He’s the last one to clean up, then go straight to diaper changing and immediately outside or whatever we are doing next. So all of that is done in one transition. No wait time in between. Finally some of our toddlers need help defining personal space. A Montessori work rug has helped our toddlers to learn to respect others’ space and to feel safe in their own space. Not every toddler needs or wants a rug and those who benefit from it only need it for a few months. Good luck!