And, wow, what a quote: “Oh, Mama, just look at me one minute as though you really saw me.” – Thornton Wilder, Our Town. Children absolutely feel that and appreciate it, and would rather hang out with “that person” who “gets” them and respects them as an individual. I call it “soul to soul” communication and children are the easiest people to relate to that way because it’s natural and because they haven’t learned to resist it. What a wonderful gift to give them as part of the foundation that is being built in their life… the gift of loving and authentic communication, the ability to engage in it, and the discernment of it.

Thank you, Cheryl.

I know this is so true, our children patience, tolerance and acceptance through how we relate to them during those moments ordinary relatedness.

Amen.

Miranda, thank you, that’s a great question. Children are very sensitive and aware… And one of the most important aspects of parenting is confident leadership, especially with strong, dynamic children like my eldest daughter. She is usually on her best behavior when she is away from home, because she knows that at home she can let it all hang out. She feels comfortable sharing her more difficult sides… She can push boundaries with us and she knows we’ll love her unconditionally while we set limits for her. She can, for lack of a better expression, “be her bad self” and refuel with us. But she wasn’t getting much of my attention (or any at all) after I had the baby and she was hurting, but she sensed I couldn’t handle her anger about that, so she pushed limits with a teacher she adored instead.

I am wondering what you mean by this one sentence: “[she] must not have felt ‘safe’ to act out with her overwhelmed mom.”

What does feeling ‘safe’ to act out mean? What would have made her feel that she wasn’t ‘safe’ to act out at home, but then perfectly ‘safe’ to act out at school?

I love all your articles… am a huge fan, and looking forward to implementing RIE when my baby is born in February. I have 2 step children, so am particularly interested in this article!

Thanks so much,

Miranda

It was my pleasure. I really like reading your articles and try as much to learn and practice from what you have written as possible. Keep it up please! 🙂

When my kids were younger, I asked myself daily if I had sat on the floor with them to simply be available. If I had cuddled. If I had lingered a few minutes longer after tucking them in at night in case they wanted to talk. I found out that it’s harder when they are older because the ways they want us to pay attention are more nuanced and highly individual.

It’s also harder when we are stressed. And honestly, when we are very stressed it can toss us, as parents, back to damage we experienced in our own childhoods or in later relationships that left us starved for emotional sustenance. Our coping mechanisms, at least in the US, is to pretend we can do it all and continue on with the usual heavy schedule while carrying extra burdens. That’s when we need to do less. Sit on the floor with our kids more. Linger by the bedside longer. Take extra time to cuddle. The exact nurturance we give our children not only helps sustain them, it’s a salve for what’s sorrowful in ourselves. That goes a long way toward easing stresses too.