Janet,

I have thought about my fear with setting boundaries early, and I think it stems from a fear of rejection, like if I tell my son no too much (or anyone for that matter) he will not like me/abandon me or that I’m being too rigid. I know this is so irrational about him abandoning me (he depends on me and I set the tone for our relationship, I know this!) It’s like my brain gets hijacked from my past.

I am thinking it must come from my mother modeling this people pleasing behavior but also from my mother’s reluctance to accept me fully, emotions and all. She used to say (when she was really frustrated with me) that I would be a bad mother due to my impatience. Many of my caregivers were emotionally available, and I think I have a hard time getting those negative voices out of my head when I feel like I’m not exceptional at every moment.

I had to be alone a lot with my feelings and thoughts, so it’s as though they got stuck on a loop. Then from there feelings of unworthiness cropped up. I write a lot to try to process but even as an adult I can’t shake this empty sort of lost feeling like part of my identity is wrong or misplaced.

Even though I feel this way, I understand the importance of changing this for my son, even if at times it’s like I’m going through the motions following your parenting advice. He’s six now, and I found you when he was 3 months old, so I know I’ve done a lot better trying and practicing at every chance I get. I understand how important it is to be in control of my emotions and to validate his feelings/let them be.

Thank you for your helpful insight as always!

Kaci

Hi Kaci! Please know that this is about a process and what we’re heading towards, not perfection. To further your progress, I would ponder why you sometimes let your son overstep. What do you fear in setting a boundary earlier? It’s most helpful to recognize and make peace with the fears/concerns that are getting in our way. At the same time, repair is the most wonderful modeling. So, never doubt the power of making mistakes and making amends with your son. Take good care and be good to yourself! x Janet

I love your work. It has helped me so much as a parent. I am always looking for ways to be more patient and respectful for my son, and I had a question about “using our emotions to discipline our children”. I just was wondering what some examples would be because I want to make sure I’m not unconsciously doing this at times.

I sometimes say, ‘I need a minute’ if I’m getting anxious by a behavior and use headphones to listen to calming music before we talk/I acknowledge. I also tend to let my son overstep, and then get flustered while setting a boundary, though I’m doing it respectfully physically, I’m emotionally charged, and I know he picks up on it. I don’t want him to think that my anger is the precursor to a boundary that he doesn’t like, like if I need space to work on something.

I assure him it’s not his fault and that I had to rethink things, but I know it is confusing. I acknowledge his feelings too and understand why he feels that way. I just don’t want to make him feel that way at all. He asks for reassurance a lot, or if I’m happy. This pangs me! I do have high functioning anxiety/depression I am working on.

I know the goal is to set boundaries before I’m angered, but I’m still not 100 percent and sometimes if I’m not perfect at it I feel guilty and further charged that I’m a bad mom/less available. I thought maybe these things could be an example of me disciplining with my emotions. I’m just not sure! I know it’s not all in what you say but what you do as well.

This post was just what I needed.

Thank you so much for your time,
Kaci

I scooped them into my lap, where they sat very rigidly, and I said, “Today someone said a thing that hurt my feelings and I got SO ANGRY. I wanted to punch a wall. I was holding a glass and I wanted to break it. And it’s absolutely okay that I felt that way and it’s okay that you’re feeling this way. I didn’t punch the wall and I didn’t break the glass, because we can’t let our anger make us hurt anyone or harm anything. But I really wanted to, because I was so angry, and it’s okay to be so angry that you want to punch and want to kick. It’s okay to have those feelings inside you.”

My kid went from being tense and pulled in and wide awake to completely relaxed and almost asleep against me. It was clearly such a relief to hear that grown-ups feel these angry desires too! I was so glad we could share that moment of emotional honesty in a safe way.

I do cry in front of my child when I’m upset, though I stay in control of myself enough to talk about what I’m feeling and why—if I need to fall all the way apart, that happens privately, because seeing a parent do that can be scary. I also talk about having anxiety and depression, because with our family history we’re pretty sure our kid will have at least one of those (signs point to anxiety) and it’s good to establish early on that sometimes your brain tells you a story that’s not a true story, and you can use your senses to find out the truth or you can talk to someone you trust.

Today I said I was having brain stories about people getting sick, and I asked my kid what helps them when they have scary brain stories. They said “They’re POOP!” and giggled. So we laughed at our brain stories and called them rude names and said “Poo on you, brain stories!” and you know what, it was actually very reassuring! Sharing these experiences of having distressing feelings or thoughts can be so validating all around and leave everyone feeling better equipped to deal with them, as long as you approach it as a thing to connect over and a problem to solve together in an age-appropriate way.