I’m in the same boat and wondering how to deal with this as well. My son has also started name calling recently. I don’t know how to handle these situations and haven’t found a Janet article that deals with this specifically.

Thank you, I’m so glad it’s helpful!

Since then, he has been using it at his toys from time to time. Twice he has said it to me. I’ve told him that I cannot let him say that word to me. I was considering a consequence like no Thomas the Train videos for a day if he says it to me again, but I felt weird about that. I’ve been quite dedicated to your style of parenting and it has worked well for us. We haven’t’ encountered anything like this before.

I feel like he is just doing this “to say the opposite” of what I asked; it feels like normal limit testing ways. He gets a little uncomfortable right after he says it because he knows he has done something he shouldn’t. I can see it in his face and in his body language.

I’m just not sure how to respond the next time this happens. I feel like I am trying to be cool, but I’m like 20% really bothered and he is definitely able to pick up on that. Any advice?

You mentioned a child not naturally feeling afraid unless “… they heard people arguing or there was something disturbing that actually happened that scared them.” What would be a helpful way to respond if this had been the case?

I’ve done my best to keep this brief:

I’m living in a multigenerational family home with my toddler (3). My toddler is often (not always) unfriendly/“rude” to a relative. This relative is often yelling at another relative in another room. But my toddler is often unfriendly to other relatives who live with us who don’t yell, as well.

I’ve thought many times over the past year or two about writing to you, but my question seems to be more about my relatives than my child. I’ve read and reread your articles on dealing with family members, as well as many related articles (and many books by other authors on family dysfunction).

I try to sort of sportscast whenever we do hear yelling (or other dysfunctional verbal things). I keep it sort of generic (sort of “it’s okay to be mad, but it’s not okay to yell at others because you are mad”) because he tends to repeat much of what I say to him to relatives. But sometimes when I ask if he heard the yelling, he says no (it would be difficult not to hear).

Is there a better way to “call out all those elephants in the room” if they are from other people, not my toddler? I grew up having to pretend not to see the elephants, but that causes issues that I don’t want my toddler to have.

Maybe for my toddler it is less impactful because the relatives aren’t primary caregivers? I do my best to manage my own emotions about the situation, since my toddler would likely sense that.

Hi Tracy – You are so welcome! I’m thrilled that this was helpful and that we were together on our timing. 🙂 This is a brand new podcast post so would not have been available until you got it. You sound like a wonderful, open-minded parent, which bodes very, very well. Take care and please be good to yourself!