Comments on: Engaging in Your Child’s Play Without Interrupting

By: Alicia

Alicia — Sat, 23 Jul 2022 17:28:56 +0000

JANET!!! This one is a masterpiece! The paragraph that starts with “And let’s say we start to push the train…” -everyone- should go read. It really summarizes what I’ve been able to do with having boundaries thanks to your work and the work of Maria Montessori, and shows that boundaries does not mean some kind of authoritarian household but rather a clear authentic relationship between parent and child. The jar example is perfect too. I love how you posit that 3 situations can be okay: 1) not putting your hands on the jar to help 2) helping part of the way or 3) helping all of the way. It is up to the caregiver to determine which of those to do and just be INTENTIONAL about that choice. And what really shines here is how much of this is about being MORE authentic, even though when starting out on this path it may feel like a performance. Authentically saying, “I’m reading a book right now,” when asked to play trains, and authentically empathizing with the disappointment, rather than “performing parent” and saying, “Fine I’ll stop anything at any moment to do what you ask” and then complaining about what it means to be a parent. Its honestly good practice for interacting with adults too, since most of us haven’t gotten good modeling of boundaries and authentic clear direct communication as kids. The one thing I struggle with is when I am overworked and haven’t yet been able to hold good boundaries with work. Even though I work from home (I have a caregiver during my official work hours), it means that I’m not present during those weeks, even after-hours because I’m stressing about work, thinking about checking my phone for problems that came up, trying to problem solve a situation, all when I should be present with my child (say, eating dinner together, or nursing, or helping with toileting). I noticed my child “regresses” in skills for independent play and self-care the more distracted I am after work hours. I also notice I can start to restore the balance by being directly engaged (playing together, eating together), even more than indirectly (say, sweeping the kitchen while they play independently, looking over when they ask to show me their big jump). So I guess my question is, when life circumstances make time limited, how do you balance trying to power-out taking care of personal needs and the home, with the need to be present/available and even having some direct engagement time with your child?

By: Audrey Greer

Audrey Greer — Sat, 25 Jul 2020 03:11:30 +0000

In reply to Audrey Greer.

For example today we got a new toy airplane with a puppy riding in it. As I am doing dishes, laundry, putting away groceries, walking around the house, etc, he is following me around saying “The puppy is looking this way!” – “Isn’t it funny the puppy wants to fly over here?” – “Look mom, it’s going so fast!”
Every time he wants my verbal response – “Wow, it’s going so fast! Yes I see he wants to look over there. Yes, he wants to fly over there.”
It’s just constant…it’s like he feels he must narrate all of his play and that I must respond to each thing. If I don’t speak back it feels like ignoring him, but I also feel that my own brain is being held in slavery by my child! I know we are missing something!

By: Audrey Greer

Audrey Greer — Sat, 25 Jul 2020 01:04:01 +0000

Janet, this is so helpful! Thank you!
How about a 4 year old boy who almost constantly engages me verbally in his play? “Mom, the zebra is sitting on the dog!”
And then, he wants me to repeat him by saying “oh, I see the zebra sitting on the dog!” If I don’t do this, he will often continue repeating what he is saying until I do repeat him. Sometimes this goes on for the whole time I’m sitting with him, and honestly it gets tiring for me. I think I probably started this habit when he was a small toddler when I thought his talking was so adorable, and instead of just giving him eye contact and an acknowledging smile, I responded too much by repeating what he said.
Also, he will sometimes narrate all his play while I am in the kitchen and he is in the living room (our home is set up to where I can see the living room while I am doing dishes or cooking in the kitchen.) He wants me to give verbal feedback to much of his play while I am doing other things. I don’t know how to set a boundary around this because I don’t want to make a hard and fast rule like, “I can’t talk while I’m in the kitchen” but I also don’t want to feel stuck in needing to pay attention to everything he’s doing when I’m not actually fully present. He has always been a very verbal child and loves conversation. I love to talk with him but I also find my brain getting exhausted after a day of trying to respond verbally to all his narrations. I know he doesn’t need me to do this but we are a bit stuck.