Hi Janet,

I love your website and books, thank you so much.

I was wondering if you have any advice around children after they finish eating but while adults are still eating. My 16 month old has recently moved from a high chair to a booster seat at the family table for meals. When she finishes she gets up and wants to climb up on us while we’re still finishing our meal.

Do you have any thoughts on what we can do to stop this? Should we abandon trying to eat together?

Thank you,

Kate

Hi Meg,
I was reading this post and stumbled upon your comment and thought I’d give some feedback since Janet hasn’t had a chance to do so.

It sounds to me like you know that “giving in” by taking him to the living room to eat isn’t a sustainable plan. I’d say that expecting your child to eat at the table, during the designated meal/snack time is perfectly reasonable. You provide the food and the boundaries; he decides how much he wants to eat (if at all). He has learned that screaming outside the living room is a winning strategy to get what he wants; you need to shift things to show him that is no longer the case. Barring any medical issues, your children will not starve themselves. Try to provide meals/snacks with at least one or two items on the plate that you know they like. Let them choose how much or how little they want to eat. If they are showing you they are done (with communication or behavior), pick up their food; the meal is over. In her book, Janet recommends getting a child-sized table and chairs for kids to sit at. Is it possible that your child likes the freedom to stand next to a shorter table and it’s not just the location of the living room? Perhaps a child’s table may help him feel more comfortable.

Regarding his cries, let him be upset. You don’t have to fix it. Acknowledge his feelings and continue having your meal with your other child.

Your children are asking you to show them that you are their confident leader. This is a difficult season for anyone with a toddler; I’m sure it’s all the more challenging with two. This toddler season is so important for showing them that you can handle them and that you welcome their emotions.

Twins, 17 months old. I’m on my own for meal times. One completely content to sit and eat breakfast. The other is having a full blown kicking, screaming tantrum. Will not sit to eat. Will not sit on my lap to eat. Will not be held in my arms. Instead is crying by the entrance to the living room and I know that’s where he wants to go. He’s done this before. I tell him he has to sit to eat, that we eat breakfast in this room, not the living room. I let him cry and keep telling him the same thing, calmly. His brother finishes eating and the other is still so upset. Well we have daycare to get to, and he just started and is refusing to eat at daycare. No snacks, no lunch, so breakfast is important. Finally I give in, take him to the living room and he eats his entire breakfast without any tears, happily standing at the coffee table. What would you do here? I can’t continue to give in to him and have him eat in the living room. The tantrum feels manipulative. He was obviously hungry, it was the location he was upset about.

Also when you said “They’ll turn away, and then they’re just fine. They go back off to play. They’re just asking. ” This is absolutely not the case for us. I do this for snacks or meals, tell them that playing with their food or throwing it tells me you’re done, so I take away the food. They come back telling me they want more and when I say you can have more later etc etc they get incredibly upset. Cue tantrums. They are fussy boys to begin with, so I’m just not finding all of these methods work with mine. Any advice?