Comments on: When Your Toddler is Stalling

By: Lindsey

Lindsey — Mon, 28 Mar 2022 15:33:16 +0000

Thanks for the great insight here. I have been following this advice for a while now with my 2 (+4mo) year old but one thing that comes up that’s not mentioned here is a “do-over” request. Sometimes when my son won’t make a decision or is stalling I will confidently make one for him, but then he screams and crys and wants to do it again himself. For example, if he won’t walk into the garage to get into the car, I first try giving him “fun” suggestions like “why don’t you try hopping in the garage”, then I let him know it’s time to go so he can either walk in now, or I will come pick him up and help him get in. When he continues to stall I will say “ok it looks like you are having trouble walking in so I’m going to pick you up”, and then I do. He throws a fit and squirms out of my arms and runs back to the door to walk in by himself. He goes out the door then immediately walks back into the garage as long as I don’t touch him or help in any way. It’s like he can’t progress with anything until he is allowed a do-over. The same happens with bedtime, teeth brushing, finishing breakfast, getting dressed, etc.
This has happed before with getting in the car seat and I told him he could try again tomorrow but we were done with the car seat today, but obviously this is easier to stick to since he can’t squirm out of the car seat by himself or even open the car door.
Do you have any advice on how to gently hold a limit when a toddler try’s to force a do-over?

By: Rachel

Rachel — Thu, 14 Dec 2017 12:36:25 +0000

I already do many of the things mentioned in article and comments. The problem is after I have “swooped” or “helped” my son. He cannot let go of his original want/request. He will continue to tantrum or repeat for 30 or more minutes. For example, if he delayed in brushing teeth and there was no time for a bedtime book. He will then scream, fight, yell, and repeat about the book. Or if he didn’t want to get into the shopping cart at the store, he will scream the entire time shopping up to 45 minutes or more even the car ride home. I have acknowledged “you didn’t want to get in the cart this time” and carried on with my shopping unruffled. Choices often worsen the situation and he won’t pick; then I pick and he continues fussing about the first choice for a long time. Basically, I’m not sure how to handle the after effects. Any help or advice is appreciated!

By: janet

janet — Wed, 13 Dec 2017 16:27:10 +0000

In reply to Janet. Definitely don't let him hold you hostage. :) Fully accept his feelings while carrying on with what you need to do. If you need him to go somewhere with you, pick him up right away. Don't wait. If you don't need him to move, you can move away to do whatever. In other words, normalize this situation for yourself and for him. Sometimes he will fall apart and be paralyzed for a bit and then after a period of time he will feel better. Let this be.

By: Janet

Janet — Wed, 13 Dec 2017 02:17:58 +0000

I am not sure what to do when my 4 year old in essence”holds me hostage”. He will get upset about something and just sit on the floor. He won’t talk to me or show me what he is upset about. I acknowledge his feelings of anger or frustration. If I try to take his hand and try to “help” him walk with me downstairs, he will resist. He would sit there forever until I pick him up. I should say he also has Apraxia so his speech is not very good.

By: Stephanie Younis

Stephanie Younis — Fri, 16 Sep 2016 16:32:20 +0000

We have a 2 year old son and just recently had a new baby. We used to be pretty easy-going with nap time and bed time and just put him down whenever he seemed tired. This worked great and he would always get enough sleep. Now, I’m guessing he feels like he needs more attention and is dragging out the bedtime ritual to an hour plus and not sleeping well – then being tired all the time… I’ve tried establishing s stricter routine, and even putying him to sleep in the pack and play when he is obviously just playing and cuddling and refusing to sleep. Now he can climb out of the pack and play and I am at a loss for what to do when je won’t cooperate with sleep. If I leave the room, he will follow. bMe placing him back down is a fun game. I’m so frusturerated!

By: TPKS

TPKS — Mon, 11 Jul 2016 08:52:32 +0000

In reply to Amber. My daughter also dawdles when getting into her car seat. I give her the option of getting into the car seat in 5-seconds (while I count aloud to 5) or mommy putting her in. When I start counting, she quickly jumps into her seat, and is ready to be buckled up by the time I say 5. There has only been 2 incidents where I had to pick her up and put her in. She protested, but I explained to her that she made the choice not to get into her seat and that mommy will have to help her this time. Next time, she can decide if she wants to go into the car seat by herself.

By: Claire

Claire — Wed, 09 Mar 2016 21:56:45 +0000

I’ve been reading your book and listening to the podcasts, it’s been very helpful in many areas! What do you do when your child is super strong and the “ok I’ll help you do ____” turns into a 20 minute tear (her) and sweat (me) filled wrestling match..or it doesn’t work at all because I physically can’t get her diaper on, or her in the carseat etc. Sometimes the “when you are ready I’ll be here, or I’ll come back” approach works really well, but lately she’s been testing and when she says she’s ready, she decides she’s not again and it’s 5 “when you’re ready’s” before her diaper is changed/teeth are brushed/car seat is buckled etc (or I’ll then give the option to help her and then it’s a 20 minute tear filled wrestling match). Our biggest struggle with this is bedtime…she’s a great sleeper once she’s finally tucked in, but it’s sometimes two hours to get there! Thanks!

By: janet

janet — Thu, 17 Dec 2015 19:45:03 +0000

In reply to Amber.

Leaving the decision up to him is creating a power struggle where he needs a confident leader. Here’s a post specifically about car seat issues… Hope it helps: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2012/01/car-seat-tantrums-handled-with-respect/

By: Amber

Amber — Thu, 17 Dec 2015 16:44:23 +0000

In reply to janet.

What do you do when your child refuses your help as well.
Getting my son ( 2yrs ) into his car seat is one of the most frustrating things that I’ve had to deal with.
Every time we get into the van he starts running around and sitting on different seats. I’ve tried ; ” you can get in yourself or I can help you, what do you choose?” or have him stand beside the van and say ” let me know when you are ready to get in your car seat. I try go give myself 30 mins extra time in the mornings so that I’m not rushing him. I say things like ” I see that you are frustrated and that you are having a hard time getting in your seat”
But i think my biggest frustration is that I feel completely powerless. I feel like we come to the point where there is nothing I can do. He is a big boy and there is no way that I can place him in his car seat with out him physically fighting.
I don’t like saying things like ” there will be consequences” But I honestly don’t know what else to do.
Some feedback would be great.

By: Christy

Christy — Sun, 13 Dec 2015 15:44:24 +0000

What about explaining consequences when they’re stalling for bedtime (for example). My daughter will ask endless times to go potty and I would never refuse to put her on. Sometimes (when I know she just went) I will say “sure, you can go potty again but then we can’t sing together as long as we normally do”. Or if she’s unable to settle down once in bed, I’ll say, I can’t seem to help you relax and settle down. I tried with reading you stories and singing to you. Did you want to tuck yourself in instead?

Or is this manipulative?

Thank you!