Comments on: Your Presence is Enough

By: Ati

Ati — Fri, 13 Oct 2023 20:25:26 +0000

Love this! I ask my 3 year old now if she wants me to join in or just watch and she always says ‘watch’. Even my 1 year old now points to my spot to sit down and watch during play time.
I do still struggle with feeling unproductive or unuseful during those times, but this article is a great reminder its not!

By: janet

janet — Tue, 06 Oct 2020 21:07:53 +0000

In reply to Clara. Yes, hold your boundaries. It's not at all neglectful and the most loving thing to insist that play belongs to her. Focus on acknowledging. Only say once what you will do. For example, "Ah, you want me to play that with you! Sounds fun, but I'm going to stay right her and watch this time." Then if she continues. "You really want me to play, don't you!That's frustrating!" WHILE you stay put, holding your boundary and paying FULL attention. This is how you can change the messaging, which has become... the only way to get my mom's attention is to get her playing with me. Consistently present a different message and this will change. You will free her to enjoy exploring her own imagination.

By: Clara

Clara — Tue, 06 Oct 2020 20:48:32 +0000

In reply to janet.

Janet, thanks for this reply. I feel like i am not not enough, just my presence, as my daughter will constantly try to get me to read or involve me in her play etc (play which i mostly just don’t “get” to be honest – let’s play kindergarten or let’s play holiday. I never know what to do and am again, left feeling not enough).
Usually i am left so uncomfortable by these demands that i wriggle myself out of the situation and escape somewhere else. This leaves me feeling guilty!
I guess i need to hold out my boundaries more…?

By: Rebecca

Rebecca — Fri, 02 Oct 2020 18:19:46 +0000

I wish I had know this when I had my first child, I was constantly worrying about what I should be doing with her and felt our week had to be full with activities and stimulation all the time. Fast forward three years and she can’t entertain herself at all. Her baby sister is much better at doing it, but sadly I think that is due to me always having to play with the older one and now the baby is almost a year and is starting to actively compete for my attention. They are both becoming quite jealous of each other, regardless of how much quality time I try and dedicate to each of them. I wanted to ask how you manage this technique with more than one child, as whenever I try and sit down with them they both automatically gravitate towards me and start physically vying for my attention.

By: Anne

Anne — Tue, 02 Oct 2018 06:59:03 +0000

Hi Janet.
Where to begin. Unfortunately whenever I read your articles I have an immediate reaction of feeling guilty as to how I am as a mother of two wonderful boys, ages almost 5 years and 7 years old. I hear from my boys that I ‘am always so mean, dad isn’t so mean’. It doesn’t surprise me as I am the one that sets boundaries, potentially more firmly with a firm tone of voice than my husband does. My husband plays with them more. I am the ‘bad’ cop and do chores etc. And here comes the guilt when my kids ask if I could play with them, be it jumping on the trampoline, building lego (which I honestly do not enjoy doing), or a game of memory. I do play with them but not every time they ask me to.
I ride bikes with them, go hiking, csmping with them, but I always use a certain tone of voice which I cannot seem to shake off. I feel like I was raised by intimidation…I do not want to raise my boys like that.
My point being I am around my kids, I am present, but my mind races to all the things that I still need to do in the day, my kids can very well invent their own games and play by themselves or with each other, yet I feel super guilty that I, alot of the times don’t engage with them. Yet, if I ask if they’d like to bake with me or cook dinner with me they say no. We always eat breakfast and dinner together. I apologize if this is frazzled and potentially doesn’t fit here, but I often second guess how I’ve acted around my boys and what impact it may have on them, having this firm, stern, and hot tempered (and my 5 year old is like me) mom.
Parenting two personalities is not easy either, one very sensitive with separation anxiety and the other begins yelling and hitting or throwing objects. To meet both on their level is super challenging.
If you have any advice as to improving my ability to be present, or if going on hikes, bike rides, taking them to the skateboard park etc. Is good then I may not be so bad as I think I am.
Thank you!!

By: Andrea

Andrea — Mon, 23 Feb 2015 17:34:17 +0000

I wonder if you could offer some guidance for me – I would like my now 7 year old son to be able to play more on his own, even if it is a time when mom and dad are home, as he increasingly asks for us to do something with him. I want him to become more comfortable playing on his own for longer spans of time. Thank you.

By: camille

camille — Mon, 08 Dec 2014 16:25:45 +0000

In reply to janet. Such a helpful thought -- thank you for your response! I have now read through your ebook "No Bad Kids" and enjoyed every paragraph. Enlightening and inspiring. Thank you!

By: janet

janet — Wed, 29 Oct 2014 03:30:56 +0000

In reply to camille. I am so thrilled that this post has helped to ease your mind! It is not a parent's job to become engrossed in play with his or her child. That was a big A-HA for me, too. Our job when "playing together" is to pay attention. That is all!

By: janet

janet — Wed, 29 Oct 2014 03:27:51 +0000

In reply to Faith J.. You're so welcome! And remember that he's learning quite a bit while observing the other children at the park, so you can totally trust him in these situations.

By: camille

camille — Mon, 20 Oct 2014 12:51:46 +0000

Dear Janet,

I wanted to thank you for this article, and tell you that I have been thinking about it daily (if not several times a day) since I first read it.

I have a 2 1/2-year-old boy whom I adore, but I find myself struggling with a weird kind of boredom when I spend time with him.

I have trouble engrossing myself fully in play — unlike my husband who genuinely seems to have as much fun as our son when they play together — and have always felt a bit guilty about it.

But looking at it from the perspective of your post, I feel a lot more at ease about it now: my positive, loving presence is enough, I can just *be myself* with him as he plays, and take his cues on how to play along and participate.

Thanks again for your insights — I have purchased your new ebook and look forward to reading it.

Camille.