I totally agree with you, Stephanie. It all depends on how it’s used. I shared more of my thoughts in this post: http://www.janetlansbury.com/2014/05/5-reasons-we-should-stop-distracting-toddlers-and-what-to-do-instead/

“Force,” but in a kind, loving, Mama Bear way and do this before you get the slightest bit annoyed or angry. Here’s another post that explains: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2016/07/confident-momentum-how-to-stop-battling-your-toddlers-resistance-and-defiance/

Rita, that sounds like you’re advocating permissive parenting. “How important is it right now” implies that the parent should back down whenever possible if the child does not want to cooperate, even when given time and opportunity to express their emotions.

Yes, perhaps sometimes we should review our requests/demands. (E.g. if the child cries because they wanted to wear the red shirt today, why not let him.) But often, a toddler’s/preschooler’s demands or objections are just plain unreasonable. She may be crying because she wanted to go outside when it’s bedtime. Should I let her go outside instead of sleeping? He may be crying because he wants a second [insert favourite tasty food, fun activity, etc.] when we agreed that he could choose only one, and he got the one he chose. Should I give him the second one anyway, because he is having trouble accepting the consequences of his choice? I would say no.

And then there’s the issue of setting precedent. If you permit him to go to school in pajamas once, he’ll want to do it again tomorrow, and the next day, and forever after. So you’re only postponing the inevitable conflict, and you’re making the child even more confused about expectations. (“Why did mom let me go in pajamas yesterday, and not today?” You wouldn’t really have a good answer to that either.)

I’m in the same position as Jeni, – I try to acknowledge my son’s feelings and let him calm down by himself while I sit nearby, but often, he’ll be crying a long-long time. Repeating “yes, I know you wanted to go to the playground, but it’s too late today” doesn’t help, at all.

I dont think showing them anger will necessarily ruin them, of course, but if we do something in anger purely to show someone they have angered us then i think thats what loosing your temper is. And if we loose our temper with our child we should always try to explain thats what happened and apologize for it. The question is, what are you trying to do when you are showing your child angry eyes? If you are following this rie philosophy, then getting them to comply by showing them they have upset you is contrary to the “i will not let you” statement – like you are giving two conflicting messages at once. I will not let you is supposed to be devoid of judgement, it is simply a statement that you wont allow yourself/others to be harmed. It is not supposed to be judgemental, because in this philosophy age appropriate behaviors are treated with complete understanding and not taken personally. One thing you can bank on is that there will be plenty of other people in your childs life that will introduce them to anger. You do not NEED to be the one to do this. You are the rock that they will come back to when the world gets too much, as it does for all of us. And thats not to say that they should feel they can do anything to you, which is why you let them know “i will not let you…” but that when they mess up you wont respond with anger or judgement but simply accept them for the imperfect individual they are and re establish those boundaries. There’s also an element of anger inflaming anger. If you have been involved in many online discussions you may have heard the term “do not feed the trolls” (people who will goad you to bring out your anger, for reasons known only to them but most likely in order to feel somehow superior) and i think in a way this can be applied to toddlers specifically as well! Being angry shows her that she’s made you loose you’re balance, she has provoked you. You may wish to show her that she has angered you in order to get her to feel bad about her actions or to make her aware that you possess feelings, but what it might actually do is simply inflame her own anger more, or make her worry that you aren’t the unshakable rock you need to be. It is rarely in that moment when we have just been angry (im assuming anger in the case of trying to hit someone or something) that we are able to be rational and see the other guys point of view, even as adults. Its often later on that we re think our own position in that previous moment of anger and are able to question our own behavior. So i dont think you “need” to show her anger when she has done something that would ordinarily anger someone, because showing her the
anger serves only you, not her learning process. Now there’s no way a parent can be superman, so of course we will all get angry and show them those scary angry eyes, but we should aim not to. And apologize for loosing our cool when we do. I hope my answer to your question doesnt sound judgemental, as it isnt mean that way at all. I think these questions are ones that we all have and i felt like i might have an answer for you that made sense, if that makes sense? 🙂

I feel the same way with my baby boy 18 months. What to do when after trying to connect and do the “I see you don’t want to get dressed but we need to go” if he still doesn’t want to ? This happens to me every day and I really don’t know what to do rather than pushing and “force” him to put his clothes on

Hi Jeni – I feel how frustrated you are feeling. As a long time preschool teacher I often asked myself the question – how important is this right now? For a two year old, having an adult finish the teeth brushing doesn’t seem that important – you LO will have learnt to do this by the time she is 5 or 6 and less than perfect brushing will not give her cavities – it’s diet that does most of the damage to teeth. With the getting dressed etc. I regularly suggested that instead of the parent struggling with the child, just bring them in the PJ’s and I would happily and not shamingly help the child get dressed at preschool. My final question would be around why your LO doesn’t want to go to nursery. Have you spoken to her teachers etc. Once again – keep asking – how important is my adult agenda in the grand scheme of things. Hoping this might be helpful.