Comments on: Good Grief

By: Paula

Paula — Fri, 02 Feb 2018 22:16:59 +0000

Great article!
I have a 24 year old special needs young man ( developmentally he is about 10 )
We have lost many people in our lives in a very short time period.
8 in 4 years…
Two were very traumatic…
It is still a very hard topic for all us to talk about.
The most troubling thing is he blames me….. Although he knows I had nothing to do with their deaths.
He doesn’t want to talk to me and it is really taking a toll on both of us.
I look forward to getting newsletters and reading them hoping some how I can help him through all his anger.
I still struggle, but my son comes first.

Thank you for taking time in reading my comment.

Paula

By: Jen

Jen — Sat, 10 Sep 2016 05:25:00 +0000

This is very helpful, thank you! Similar to what my 19 month old daughter has been experiencing lately. When my husband brings her home from daycare and she doesn’t find me waiting there for her, she gets very upset and cries hysterically. But when her grandmother brought her home while my husband and I were out of town, she made no fuss. We’re not sure where to start with resolving the issue.

By: Mary Brazil

Mary Brazil — Fri, 12 Sep 2014 08:39:31 +0000

Hi, I am reading ‘Women who run with the Wolves’ by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, PhD. Your belief and way of acknowledging an infant’s grief and being with the child as they go through the pain seems to fit with Este’s belief in the wildness we all need to stay connected with. By wildness she means living ‘a natural life, one in which the criatura, creature, has innate integrity and healthy boundaries…’ with instincts intact, using and nourishing her creative self, letting go of the habits, cultures, relationships, jobs, habits which exhaust, and taking on the ones that sustain and build. ‘Good Grief’ gives me a way to acknowledge the presence and pain of grief in an infant which maintains the interests of the infant. It also gives me a way to be with that pain in the parts of me as an adult that need that sort of affirming attention. with love, Mary

By: janet

janet — Thu, 12 Sep 2013 17:31:29 +0000

In reply to Tamara.

Tamara, I think it’s important to understand that children don’t express feelings on our timetable. My opinion is that all feelings are perfect, exactly what the child needs to be expressing at that moment and for as long as he or she need to express it. When you say, “tried similar responses”, what I’m hearing is the word ‘tried’, which indicates to me that you are acknowledging the feelings in hope of calming your child down. Children usually sense this intention as well… They sense that rather than patiently hearing and accepting their feelings, we are trying to stop or rush them. Sometimes this can make the outbursts last even longer. If the parent feels impatient, it can be better not to talk at all, but just nod your head, wait and accept.

Acknowledging and supporting feelings is not a “technique”, it is loving practice that fosters emotional health, but is not intended to be immediately “effective” or bring about a specific behavioral result. If you’ve been using distractions, your little guy may have stored some intense feelings, which will probably mean longer crying spells.

By: Tamara

Tamara — Thu, 12 Sep 2013 14:28:16 +0000

I understand and appreciate the importance of allowing a child’s feelings to be felt and expressed. I see the value in simple acknowledgement and being a supporting presence. And agree that it is not helpful to jump in with distractions and “fixes.” But I would like to hear more of a description of how this looks and the varying ways it can play out.

I have tried similar responses many times over the past 2 years (with almost the exact words you shared) with my son when he has been upset about my husband leaving, or another change that he can’t control. Never has he instantly, or even after several minutes, calmed down and focused on something else. I trust my gut with my assessment that this is simply not the kind of child that he is. Rather, without changing the scene or actively distracting him, he could remain upset for nearly an hour. His persistence is unbelievable and overwhelming.

Could you build more on the technique that you are describing above. I fear that making it sound so simple and effective is even more frustrating to parents like me, whose children do not respond as they are “supposed” to respond. I can leave us feeling as if our children are odd or problematic. 🙁

By: Yanic

Yanic — Thu, 12 Sep 2013 11:15:45 +0000

Wonderful story and article. To be constantly reminded that no matter how small the person, babies are real people too. A fact that we tend to forget. Thank you for sharing…

By: janet

janet — Wed, 12 Sep 2012 22:06:45 +0000

In reply to Jennie. Thanks for the warm shout-out, Jennie.

By: Jennie

Jennie — Wed, 12 Sep 2012 19:21:49 +0000

Thank you! You affirmed what I was feeling and put words to what I have been observing both professionally in my new preschool class and persoanlly with my grand-daughter. Thank you for sharing your RIE insights and wisdom.

By: janet

janet — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 05:57:38 +0000

In reply to Niki Buchan. I love that, Niki. Thank you!

By: Niki Buchan

Niki Buchan — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 05:34:56 +0000

Thank you for this post – very much how I feel too and he only cried for a minute (although a very long minute) and you as the adult was there to show support but not take away what he was feeling.