We are pro “sleep learning” in developmental increments when developmentally appropriate. Sleep is a skill like other skills our children will learn. When we allow this learning at the appropriate stage of development, along with the appropriate support and help it does not hinder brain development.

What hinders brain development is toxic stress. This is nowhere close to toxic stress. Janet has a great series with Dr. Alice Callahan where she goes over the different types of stress. https://www.janetlansbury.com/2016/02/how-i-helped-my-baby-learn-to-sleep-guest-post-by-alice-callahan-phd/

I understand the fear that allowing children to learn autonomous sleep could provoke a trauma response or feelings of neglect or abandonment from the child. It doesn’t as long as we mirror the child’s accurate experience and supply loving consistent support.

But what I tell parents is this – if you think it is harmful by all means don’t do it. The child picks up the underlying emotional state of us. If a parent is in an inner dialogue of trauma and stress and gets triggered in their own abandonment wounds then THIS can make it very unstable for the infant.

That said I worked with two wonderful somatic therapists this month. They used the word trauma and anxiety a lot. The mother is diligently working on her own nervous system and healing from her attachment wounds so this was especially challenging for her. They too were able to support their daughter in the way THEY saw fit. They took their time and went slowly. They offered her more soothing and more presence.

Now their baby is cooing herself to sleep in her Montessori floor bed and happy to dive in for her nap each day.

We don’t let babies suffer. There is a huge difference in struggle and suffering. If you are interested, I encourage you to read Dr. Allan Schore’s work on regulatory theory and affect regulation. Co-regulating and tuning into the child’s emotional state and actually “co-suffering” as you put it, absolutely makes a difference both emotionally and energetically to the developing parasympathetic nervous system. And throughout our lives this type of “empathic resonance” does make a difference in our ability to self regulate and co-regulate.

Dr. Schore is the premier attachment theorist on this subject. And there is a HUGE difference in co-regulation than a mother ignoring the child by hiding in a basement checked out under headphones and wine. HUGE difference.

And NO. In my experience a mother holding space for a dis-regulated child does not feel better about it. These lovely words of deep compassion do not for one moment disguise the deep work we do with the child in these moments. So I would say mom in the basement might be avoiding and I don’t know if avoidance feels better or not. It might be disassociation though. In mine and my clients experience, going towards disturbance is the opposite of disassociation.

The time we listen depends on a lot. It depends on the age of the baby. And mostly it depends on the sound of the cry at the particular age of the baby crying. I teach a method that helps parents know when the “self soothing” mechanism is engaged in the brain.

I love what you say here – “What if the cries aren’t just ‘please listen to me express my emotions’ but also ‘please do something about it, mummy’? Would our inaction create in our little ones a sense of helplessness or being ignored because their way of communicating their want of help is not addressed/ met. ”

This is why we actively DO something about it. The problem is at first, but only at first, it is not what the child has come to expect and they want us to fix it. Not fixing is not inaction. Not fixing and remaining present and supportive is allowing the child to learn a new more functional way.

We never ever ignore a child. Children learn new skills and I have often wondered if we don’t all go through a moment of feeling somewhat “helpless” until we learn a new way. The helplessness soon (as in 1-3 nights) gives way to confidence, accomplishment and in regards to sleep that wonderful feeling of sleep taking us.

So yes, we address their communication but we don’t meet their wants. We do meet their need to learn a self supportive way of doing sleep.

Yes Janet you got it. And also our babies have evolved along with us. But yes some of the babies instinctual drives are still present in the body. This is why we remain close, consistent and responsive.

Yes. This is beautiful!

“When I watched him cry out, I just thought, Yes, I can see you, little one, I know you want me to stay but I am tired too. My heart was full of love. It’s like he could read my thoughts. His big eyes staring back at me, suddenly thoughtful, too. Sometimes these very strange, very deep moments pass when you are listening and waiting. I don’t know how to explain them.”

So honest, authentic and loving. He felt that and let go.

Hey Sarah,

This is common and can become a new crutch wanting a check in from mom and dad. What can help is not making it any prolonged ritual.

Remember your preparation. Talk to him about this scene in the night during the day honestly and openly. Tell him you will help him do it himself. Then do your dress rehearsal. Do the walk through of how it goes in the night and work with him on getting his own covers over his body. I have had families find great success with changing out the covers to a sleeping bag. Not a camping one but a sleep over sleeping bag. It can be easier for the toddler to negotiate that.

I trust your intuition that he just wants a check in. Go back to your story and play scenario. Do the run through and tell him honestly – “I don’t want to wake up in the night so we will practice and then I am going to give you longer to work it out.” Approach this with confidence and a “yes attitude. ”

If you need more let me know!

Hi Masha. Yes the pick-up-put-down method is an alternative but not necessarily gentler. It depends on the child and the age of the child. I find this works best for the newborn – 4-month old. For babies over 5-6 months and older, it is too stimulating for the brain and difficult on the parent’s back depending on the size of the infant. Children can learn this developmental skill at any time. I work with parents every day who say, “If I do this again I won’t wait for two years to get the family on solid and predictable sleep.”

You hit the nail on the head. It does feel un-natural to listen and not fix in the night. Even more so than in the day. Let’s say your child wants another cookie. It is SO much easier to hold that boundary in the day time. But when the cookie is at night, and it is our breast or our bed, and our adult brain is SCREAMING to us to do what it takes to get the rest the body needs – all bets are off. It is much more difficult. As the line goes in G.O.T. – The night is dark and full of terrors. It feels more dire at night for many reasons. And yet the transformation I witness every day when parents “go towards the cry” is inspiring and moving to me. They go and offer acknowledgment, compassion and reassurance. They go into the tears with an emotional yet stable connection of warmth and confidence. Babies and toddlers are brilliant learners and they get two things fairly quickly. 1. When I fall the mattress catches me 100% of the time. 2. They are here for me. I feel their comfort and support and I no longer expect them to fix it.

Sleep is such a foundational piece of our wellbeing and it is an act of self respect and self love. The body LOVES sleep. Even the little bodies.

I’m a little confused, so you are pro-sleep training? Do you know that hinders brain development?