Comments on: When Your Kids Won’t Give You a Break

By: Lauren

Lauren — Sat, 05 Feb 2022 04:31:40 +0000

I have a 3 year old boy, the youngest of 3, with 2 older sisters (6 and 8). The 3 year old is active and physical in a way his sisters weren’t. As is typical, and age-appropriate, he wants what he wants and he wants it his way— exerting control over something that he otherwise feels powerless to control. Left to “mommy can help with that when she’s done with x,y or z” — the tantrum escalated to him hurting his sisters, throwing things at the tv/appliances/me/sisters, or breaking things. When I respond with “I see you’re mad right now and you’re attacking Sister. I can’t let you do that, let’s get off of her and come in here”, I feel like that is rewarding the behavior because now he is getting the attention he wanted from the get go. I can’t allow my other children to get hurt, I can’t allow things to be broken (toys, art projects, tv, the cat) and yet he knows that pushes buttons and continues to do so… so we are this trapped cycle. It needs to stop, but short of boarding up my windows and removing the TV from the family room, I’m not sure how to best handle it.

Also, as the third child, unfairly or not, he has to be schlepped around to his sisters’ practices. How do I manage that, when I can’t have him running amok at an ice rink, and the cars/buses, crayons and paper, board books, and snacks are of 0 interest? I’m at my wit’s end.

By: Erin

Erin — Wed, 06 Jan 2021 09:14:59 +0000

Hi Janet… this post is lovely and so helpful, as is all your work. One point I’m a bit confused by… you mention not walking a kiddo back to their play area— I know a boundary means I can only control my piece and accept and empathize with however my child reacts. However, what about when I need to do something where it’s my responsibility to put my 2 year old in a safe, contained area (with toys or books available in case he wants them), while I take a shower, etc. Is it then ok to walk or carry him to his space? I believe so, but what is the “right” thing to say while doing that? Thank you!! So much gratitude for your work.

By: Laura Bisbee

Laura Bisbee — Wed, 06 Jan 2021 07:11:07 +0000

In reply to Kyla. I too, was coming to the comments to see what to do in the situation where the child isn't at your feet or begging to you, but becomes aggressive with his sibling within 30 seconds of leaving the room. I have to go back multiple times to pull them apart and that's where I get unruffled. If they were just having independent feelings I would know how to handle it and could let feelings be, but they immediately get into trouble or become aggressive. If I put them in their rooms my 4-year-old will kick the door so hard he puts a hole through it or constantly bangs the walls.

By: Amy Hundsdoerfer

Amy Hundsdoerfer — Wed, 29 Jul 2020 14:26:08 +0000

In reply to Kyla. I also have this problem with my 2.5year old. If he isn’t get the attention that he wants whilst I’m getting dressed, for example, he turns to upsetting his 6 month old brother. How do I manage that without entering a negative attention spiral?

By: Liz

Liz — Wed, 29 Jul 2020 09:48:32 +0000

Thanks so much for sharing your response to this query. I have been working on setting these calm, confident boundaries with my 2.5 yo daughter. I give the response, “I’m just doing this thing, will be with you when I am done (with the washing up, etc…)”, & my daughter’s response is, “I will do it with you”. She has a stool which she can move to reach the sink, so tries to include herself despite me telling her she cannot help, “this is my job and you may not help”, removing herself & the stool, progressively becoming more frustrated/loud/resistant. I respond to her emotions, saying back things like “I see that you want to help me, but that hearing no is upsetting to you”, and continue to disallow her from moving the stool, joining in, etc. The end result being that nothing gets done because she will not leave me be, & so I either jettison the task, as I am becoming so frustrated by the interchange, or cave in & allow her to play with water next to me, while I try not to let it bother me. This happens with almost every household task – it is a rare occasion where she will take herself off to do something else, often something I need to intervene with, to ensure she remains safe – I suspect even because she knows it will get my attention. We have an open plan house & nowhere I can “gate off” to create her own little, uninterrupted zone. Have I missed something really obvious? I feel like allowing her to help me with some tasks at some times would help her to feel she is a valuable contributor in our family. But as someone who finds it hard to sit still, have I modelled behaviour which discourages play? Any guidance would be amazing. Thanks for sharing your gentle wisdom.

By: Kyla

Kyla — Mon, 06 Jan 2020 03:12:02 +0000

Hi Janet,

I use this technique often however my daughter (5) tends to become aggressive with her brother (2) when I set the boundaries. How should I handle this??

By: Rachel

Rachel — Sun, 05 Jan 2020 20:38:24 +0000

Hi Janet, I currently am having the same issue with my 3.5 year old. He used to be pretty independent and would play freely, but since the birth of his brother 3 months ago he has become very clingy and will not play at home independently. This makes it incredibly difficult to get anything done. I may have misunderstood your previous posts. When boundary setting (for example in the kitchen), I would physically walk him to his play space (“ok, I’ll help you). When he would test the boundary, I would continue walking him back to his play space. I’m afraid I’m having a hard time understanding what I should do, as you advise against walking back to their play space. I’m getting the impression that when I have things to do I should just ignore him, even if hes sitting on my feet while I’m trying to cook dinner? Is that right? Thanks in advance for some clarity.