I’ve recently been told by a health professional that when my 3 year old is having a tantrum, I should seat behind him and hold him firmly in silence (not aggressively of course, just firmly enough to keep him seating down) until he has shown signs of calming down. I was told that this helps them regulate their emotions and shows them that they’re supported. I tried this a couple of times, but it seems that whenever I do that he gets even more fired up and cries asking me to let him go, as you can imagine hold a toddler mid tantrum whilst trying not to hurt them is very challenging. I eventually do let him go and the tantrum does stop right after and he calms down a few minutes later, but I feel really bad and wonder if this is the right thing to do. It does’t sound/feel right and I fear it will subconsciously leave him claustrophobic or be afraid of expressing himself in front of me. Would really truly appreciate to hear your thoughts on this. Many thanks, Sofia

Hi there. I never comment on things. I also had a child with a speech delay. I also believe parent’s do well when they can. So, if your husband is spanking your speech delayed child (that is, a child with a lagging skill through no fault of his own and who is communicating the only way he knows how – but is being met with adult expectations that he is not capable of meeting at this time- and then being physically punished for not meeting that expectation) tells me your husband also has some lagging skills that he is taking out on your child. Which is not fair to your son at all – and (I’m sure you know) will not get you the result you’re looking for at best, at worst – it will erode the foundation for a trusting, safe, nurturing relationship with your son. There is so much research out there to show the short and long term negative impact of spanking on child development. There is nothing positive that comes from spanking. For the sake of your son, please get the support your family needs – there are amazing resources in most communities. Most states and counties have early intention services through a local regional center (for things like language delays), there is speech therapy, IEPs through the school district, family therapy, individual therapy, and parenting support groups. I know I have utilized most of them myself at different times in my parenting journey, to great benefit. It all may take a lot more investment than maybe you thought would be necessary at his age – consider though, the alternative in not investing the time now. This is more than a sweater issue, or getting ready for school issue. Kids do well when they can. Your son is doing the best he can.

Janet Lansbury I’d love to hear your opinion on this too please if you have time. Our 20month old has night tantrums too and they go on forever, and I worry he will hurt himself as he climbs out of the cot/if we have taken him out he throws himself about. I know we need to let the feelings happen, but is there a reason they are happening at night and should we be leaving him in his cot? Normally a very happy little boy in the day time. Thanks for your time and advice.

Oh my goodness, reading that your husband hits a two year old was really confronting for me. I suggest that you listen to these podcasts together – spanking will have lifelong impacts on your child and his emotional development.

Hi Janet,
Thanks for that. How do I handle my self-harming 4 year old during a situation like this? I want to give her the space she needs but that usually involves skin picking. I tell her during an episode like this that I can’t let her hurt her body and hold her hands but that makes her tantrum worse. Is this the right approach?
Thank you!
Barbara