Comments on: The Way We Praise Matters

By: janet

janet — Wed, 24 Aug 2022 18:31:49 +0000

In reply to A reader. Thank you for your feedback. This is the transcript of a podcast and is not meant to be taken as a written piece. We offer these as a service in response to the many who have requested them. :)

By: A reader

A reader — Tue, 23 Aug 2022 10:59:57 +0000

Said with love – you need some sub headings in this, and other ways to break up the text; bold text, pics and so on! 🙂

By: Jezebel Machado

Jezebel Machado — Sun, 17 Jan 2021 20:20:54 +0000

In reply to Lauren. I experience exactly the same with my almost 4 and 2 year olds, and wondered about the answer to this same question when I started reading this article. I hope you get a response Lauren and look forward to reading it.

By: Lauren

Lauren — Fri, 23 Aug 2019 00:05:28 +0000

Hi Janet, I’m glad you wrote about this because I acknowledge instead of praise and do my best to be authentic, but lately my girls, 4 and 2, are always telling me to watch them do something. “Look mom” “watch mom” over and over. I don’t always want to. Whether I’m engaged in something else or it’s something I’ve already seen them do over and over. How do I best respond authentically and respectfully?

By: Rick Ackerly

Rick Ackerly — Wed, 21 Aug 2019 23:42:19 +0000

Important discussion. What it all comes down to is: What is the motivation behind delivering whatever praise is being delivered? It’s pretty unnatural for a parent to be “still faced” the child does something that delights. If it’s purely and authentically emotive, it can’t do much damage. When the praise has some intention behind it, it probably does some-to-a-lot of damage. Since “Mindset” became a movement, Carol Dweck, herself, has discovered that praising for effort is not much better than praising for “smarts”, because both praises are intended to manipulate the child into some self-concept or behavior.
We want kids to develop their own evaluative structure for their own behavior based on the direct feedback they get from it, not indirect feedback from the bystanders.
All parents and other educators should keep their eye on self-actualization, which consists of three things: maximizing 1) internal motivation, 2)decision-making, and 3) directly observable feedback–consequences. If one of the consequences is praise from bystanders, especially parents, that is various forms of distraction from the main thrust of their efforts toward self-actualization. If I fall, it is my pain (or lack thereof) that matters, not my parent’s empathy (which might very well not be empathy, but projection.)
What a parent cares about comes from the parent’s experience and self-concept. We are interested in the child maximizing his/her own self-concept through continual interaction with the world. What the parent feels and thinks is marginally interesting.