Comments on: Teaching a Child to Control His Feelings

By: Morgaine LaCosta

Morgaine LaCosta — Mon, 03 Jan 2022 15:51:29 +0000

Any links to articles on this topic as it relates to older children? Thanks!

By: Alexis

Alexis — Mon, 03 Jan 2022 10:56:09 +0000

Hi Janet,

My three year old has starting yelling “No” really loud when she is upset or when myself or others ask her a question sometimes. It’s like her way of showing she is angry but it’s coming off as disrespectful when she yells “No!” To her Grandparents when they ask her any question. What would you recommend? I want her to know it’s ok to not want to answer or be upset but I also want her to know we can be angry and upset without yelling. I often say “your allows to disagree with me, or it makes sense that your upset, or you didn’t want that to happen. However, around others it comes off quite rude… Any advice or thoughts you have I would really appreciate!

Thank you!

By: Caroline

Caroline — Mon, 03 Jan 2022 09:49:56 +0000

Hello Janet
Thanks for all your articles they help me so much with the education of my three year old.
I’m having hard time putting into practice the feeling accompaniment with words because she gets even more angry when I talk while she is having a tantrum or just being mad. On the other hand I do not want to remain quiet and just sit there, by fear she will interpret this as me ignoring her. What behaviour would you recommend me to adopt to make her understand I am here and listen to her feelings?
Thanks a lot
Caroline.

By: Joanna Kuczek

Joanna Kuczek — Tue, 26 Jan 2021 23:21:37 +0000

It sounds like a good idea to let go and let the child to go through with the tantrum in order to regulate it’s emotions, and feelings. On the other hand if we don’t teach the kids to calm down and their temper tantrums escalate so much that are in a way of taking a child to public places ( example: throwing up, kicking, screaming, biting, throwing himself on the floor) how is that good than for anyone? Most likely you will end up with a toddler who knows no limits and all you can do is hold them still during tantrum and wait it out?

By: Cari Molinaro

Cari Molinaro — Sun, 03 Jan 2021 06:34:03 +0000

I needed this. So much of this spoke to me. My almost 2.5 year old has big emotions and is it’s been hard. This last week especially. I feel like a failure even though I know it’s normal. She will scream what feels like all day sometimes. To the point she goes stiff and shakes. I make sure she’s fed, dry diaper, and no signs of sickness. I can’t figure it out, and I feel frazzled. But it doesn’t need fixing. I need to not be so uncomfortable with it. And it does make me very uncomfortable. I want to fix what can’t be fixed. I want to do anything, or give her anything to make it stop (not that it even helps – if not makes her more angry – but I frantically try). Becoming a mom has made me realize a lot of things about myself and I have to face them to be better for my girls. I need to find a way to hold a space for her big feelings, and hopefully in the process will find space for some of my own. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

By: Stephanie

Stephanie — Thu, 20 Aug 2020 09:37:22 +0000

Hello Janet! Thanks so much for all your articles!

My 18 month LO had a really big meltdown after playgroup that day, I recognise there is some stress from the new environment in school.

She was screaming and crying and rolling around (we held her head if she flung it back), and we just listened and said “you are having a hard day and we are here to listen”. It lasted for 20 mins though.. i was really fighting trying to intervene. At times I just hugged her really tightly but it was not consoling her, she continued to struggle out of my hands. I knew that was out of trying to make her stop.

My question is – how long is too long? Or that’s not the question to ask 😛

By: Laura Shaz

Laura Shaz — Tue, 16 Jun 2020 01:56:44 +0000

Thank You Janet. Full-blown tantrums are SOOO important and healing, as are crying with a carer/parent close by and raging in children & in babies. Connection and laughter/play are also important more helping babies and children release feelings and big emotions. It makes me actually a bit sad that children are learning techniques like counting to 10 or going off on their own to work through big emotions. Our world does not need more control. Our world needs emotions to be heard and for children to be heard and relaxed after a big release. If emotions are not expressed, our bodies will resort to suppression (which can be detrimental and result in chronic pain, inability to concentrate, disrupted sleep) or aggression (hitting, bumping head against the wall, harsh language). Please parents, stay close to your babies and kids when they are going through big emotions, even if they say “go away.” They will come out the other end calmer, gentler, more peaceful and wanting to cooperate. All “challenging” behaviour will disappear if parents could stay connected and support children through big emotions. I’m sending all of you so much love! It isn’t ease. And I hope that parents are also getting listened to through their big emotions and that chance to cry or laugh with a close friend or partner. xo

By: Yoanna

Yoanna — Sat, 15 Feb 2020 09:52:26 +0000

The thing is most of us, adults, don’t know how to self-regulate and express emotions in healthy ways and that’s why we are so desperate for our children to control their feelings, so we don’t have to face it, because once we are triggered it easily gets out of control..Ask me how I know that 😉
Thank you, Janet, for your work!

By: Rose Fox

Rose Fox — Tue, 31 Dec 2019 03:30:04 +0000

We taught our kid (age four) that taking deep slow breaths or counting to three can help with calming down, but they can’t even get to the point of doing that until they’ve gotten through the initial round of passionate feelings, and that takes however long it takes. To breathe slowly or count requires a degree of conscious presence that simply isn’t possible when one is in the grip of strong emotion.

Sometimes we’ll think they’re ready and we’ll take a deep breath and let it out to model it, and they’ll cry “No big breaths!” to tell us we need to stay in that affirming, open mode that makes room for all the feelings no matter how big they are. Other times, if our child doesn’t want to be in that uncomfortable upset space, they’ll try to do deep breaths or counting, but they’ll do it fast and impatiently (“ONE TWO THREE ONE TWO THREE!”), and then it’s up to us to encourage them to feel their feelings and not try to rush through it. We know anything that gets shoved down or pushed aside will just come back later. And we need to model acceptance and safe expression of feelings as much as we need to model ways of calming down, because it’s so easy to fall into the habits of emotional repression for the sake of other people’s comfort.