My pleasure, Hilary. I’m glad it’s helpful.

Thank you for offering us multiple mediums through which to consume your advice! Sometimes listening works better for me and sometimes I need to read.

I have a similar issue (was just searching the website to see if this is addressed anywhere!) I have 3- and 4-year old boys. Generally they are very good, but bedtime has been challenging and they share a bedroom. We’ve got a good bedtime routine that we follow every night, but sometimes just as it is time to get in bed, they start to wind each other up and get out of bed, leave the room, run around the house, etc. They don’t follow our verbal instructions (which I have learned is an unreasonable expectation) but I can’t physically intervene with both of them, so I’m at a loss for what to do. I find myself raising my voice and repeating myself (“It’s time for bed. I know it’s hard when you wish you could still run around and play. I’m going to help you get back into your bed…” but this does not work at all. Please help!

What I’m currently trying: I tell him that it’s baby’s nap time and that he can choose to either play quietly in his bedroom or in the play room. Then I close my bedroom door and put the baby down. I feel like that’s working but he’s struggling with not wanting to be alone and sometimes it doesn’t work so I have to lock to the door as well otherwise he will come in my room screaming and yelling and wake up baby (and scare baby). And he knows the rule that he’s only allowed to yell in his room and that I will lock my door if he does that during babys nap. All been communicated to him. But then he just goes to his room and cries hysterically, saying “mommy, mommy, mommy..” until he finds something to do or I come out and he asks me to wipe his tears because “I was calling you and you wouldn’t come”.
I know he’s having a difficult time rn with needing extra assurance because of a new baby and because of milestones and being almost three, but I feel like I can’t always give him what he needs of baby won’t nap. But leaving to put the baby down upsets him to and he doesn’t understand that if he doesn’t wake the baby, then, we get one on one time. I’ve explained that till blue in the face. Lol.
And also, sometimes, baby just doesn’t nap because of teething and or milestones ect. ‍♀️

This is when you refer to the approach and belief of letting our children have feelings and expressions of disapproval of something. They are allowed to be upset you took away the thing. That is a normal response to the situation but making that response a big deal is not helpful and will make it worse. I would suggest scanning through her blogs, podcasts for situations when a parent is now bothered by their kids response to the word NO. If we treat out kids as fully capable beings (as is the RIE way) then we understand that they are also allowed to have negative responses to boundaries but it doesn’t mean that boundary is wrong. Try this one maybe? Also, I may sound like it’s super simple but I struggle with this too. On a good day, I can handle the upset and tears but then others I just want it to stop NOW. That is what I’m usually maxed out and my bandwidth needs to be re-stocked.
https://www.janetlansbury.com/2020/08/calming-our-reactivity-to-childrens-irritating-demanding-behaviors/

Thank you for this valuable information. My question is, what should the approach be when I am trying to get my 3 year old to do something rather than not doing it. I understand helping them stops certain behaviors but what if I need her to brush her teeth or help clean up her toys? What is the best approach to avoid repeating myself then?
Thanks!

I would like to add that acknowledging their feelings (I see you really want to play with the toilet paper) will make them feel more susceptible to your words, because they see you understand them + it makes them feel safe. And positive direction and reinforcing good behavior are great tools too: instead of saying to not do something, I turn it into a positive direction: chairs are for sitting (instead of saying don’t stand on the chair); it makes them feel better about themselves because we don’t point out what they are doing wrong. And reinforcing good behavior is great too: rule of thumb: for every thing they should do differently and you have pointed that out, you should give them two or three compliments about things they are doing correctly!.