Comments on: Independent Play, Meltdowns, Boundaries — Success Stories from My Inbox

By: janet

janet — Tue, 31 Oct 2023 20:49:58 +0000

In reply to Debora Bertka. Hi Debora! Can you share some details about how you set boundaries and deal with her reactions to them? I may be able to help, I hope.

By: Debora Bertka

Debora Bertka — Tue, 31 Oct 2023 14:50:40 +0000

I have been following all of Janet’s advice on independent play (listened to every episode on it), as well as the Parenting Junky on YouTube since my daughter was 18 months. She is now 4 and still won’t play independently, hardly at all.

She simply doesn’t like to play on her own. She just… doesn’t like it. She likes playing with other people only, and that’s that. And nothing I’ve done, and continue to do, has been able to change that. Every single day is a struggle with this, and I continue to set the boundaries I’ve been setting for the past 3 years. But it still hasn’t changed her, or our struggle with independent play. It’s awful.

I also highly suspect she is ADHD, which could greatly contribute to her strong aversion for independent play, and always seeking the high of playing with someone else.

I hope neurodivergent children like my daughter can be kept in mind when talking about this, and not making the parents feel like our kids are like this due to something we did wrong.

By: janet

janet — Thu, 06 Oct 2022 15:36:53 +0000

In reply to Mary Jane Shippen. Dear Mary, I will treasure your note and story. Thank you so very much for taking the time to share it with me. I needed that today. Such a bright future for you two! Your granddaughter is blessed!

By: Mary Jane Shippen

Mary Jane Shippen — Wed, 05 Oct 2022 15:43:29 +0000

Dearest Janet,
my shift in how I think about my granddaughter’s episodes of screaming made all the difference in our relationship. Since birth almost 9 yrs ago, she screamed almost constantly. When I picked her up she screamed and I instantly blamed myself and tried to figure out what I had done to make her scream. I really thought it was my fault and because of that I stayed away from her more than I wanted.
Searching desperately for help, I stumbled upon your book and blog. Slowly I started testing the idea of creating a space for us inside a bubble of calm, intending to allow her to be who she is and express herself as she feels, and slowly, the tantrums lessened.
At about 3 years old she visited me and had the most horrific tantrum over brushing her teeth before bed. So, I repeatedly and gently told her to do it.
Well, I don’t know what the other people in the building thought of me (perhaps a torturous child abuser?) but I sat with her for over an hour just allowing this safety bubble to expand and soft acknowledgment to continue as her strong voice vibrated the building with painful screaming.
She wound down, sweaty and exhausted and we sat together in this love space for a while. Since then, she hugs me and cuddles with me and we have a “knowing” between us. It is the opening I enter her world through now, in this age of iPads. She knows I’m the boss and I have her back, no matter what, so she speaks truthfully to me and tells me exactly how she feels. The tantrums still occur as she enters puberty early and is taller now than everyone in third grade. But she always finds a way to enter our safe bubble, even if it takes a while.
Because of that one change in my thinking I don’t exhaust myself as much but pause, and let myself take charge. It still takes vigilance and energy as the world impinges on us from all sides but I have a foothold now.

My joy is indescribable.