Comments on: The Hardest Thing to Remember When Your Child is Upset

By: Molly Payton

Molly Payton — Tue, 13 Jul 2021 13:16:01 +0000

This so interesting to read. I’ve already read some of your other posts and they have helped with my 3 year old. I struggle to remember to do them all the time but reading this today has given me more to work with. Thank you.

By: Stacey

Stacey — Tue, 21 Jul 2020 10:31:19 +0000

In reply to janet.

What I found really powerful about your interaction with the older gentleman is that even though inside you are like “this person is disregulated” you didn’t actually say “You seem upset that I moved the garbage cans…etc”.

I find when I try to name the other person’s feelings, they often get defensive – “I’m not upset! You’re upset!”

I’m also used to “sorry-ness” meaning I have to “fix” the situation or person (e.g. moving the car and the cans back to make them happy). That’s work I need to do…to realize that you can be sorry for the discomfort boundary setting many cause but still know that it was the right thing to do.

By: Janna

Janna — Fri, 17 Jul 2020 18:37:53 +0000

The power of acknowledgement!
Me and my mother wouldn’t go along for as long as I can remember. I have been resentful since I was a todler for the fact that I was raised by my grandparents simply because she was too young to care. I had internalized that experience as personal rejection and my sense of self-worth was badly damaged, resulting in a lot of pain, very poor decisions, that led to more pain and so on.
Every time I would bring my hurt up (not in the best of ways to be honest – mostly it was done by lashing at her during our arguments) she would brush it off, no sign of empathy, no sign of acknowledgement, just me being an overly sensitive brat and what do I want now?
Very recently, and while we are both in therapy, each for our own broader reasons, I managed to express my hurt in a very open, very clear and calm way. I explained the damage and the mechanism of it all. A todler cannot empathize with its mother. I hadn’t been able to understand why she acted as she did and I had taken it personally, as if I was to blame for the lack of love and care. I asked just to be understood. No surprise, she brushed me off immediately but regardless I felt much calmer because I had done what I felt I should have done and I was ready to acccept that she is like that and that’s ok. I made a tombstone for my expectations, brought flowers and all and was ready to let them rest in peace.
Apparently she worked in therapy with this issue and not long after we had a talk where she did just that. She acknowledged my feelings, she entered my shoes and saw the fear that had nested in my heart for the past almost 40 years. We talked and we cried and finally we understood each other. I am finally enjoying my relationship with my mother and it is something I never thought I’d experience.
So hurray for the power of acknowledgement!

By: Camille

Camille — Fri, 17 Jul 2020 04:20:38 +0000

“You might be right” is how I try to remind myself.

By: Martene

Martene — Fri, 21 Feb 2020 10:06:30 +0000

Janet, thank you as always…
My 5 year old daughter has melt downs and tantrums before she goes to her father (recently divorced).

It breaks my heart.

Do you have any advise regarding this transition for her please?

In such gratitude,
Martene

By: Jocelyn

Jocelyn — Wed, 19 Feb 2020 13:05:03 +0000

In reply to Claire.

I love this but I am curious – what would you have done if the man had said “thanks for understanding. I’m so glad you will move your car. ” would you have moved it AMD been late for work? Tried explaining/reasoning or “held the boundary” and continued to acknowledge.

By: Claire

Claire — Fri, 07 Sep 2018 03:13:42 +0000

I might have an idea as to what the answer might be to my question but I’m going to ask it anyway.
Sometimes I feel like my child uses a tantrum to tear me away or rather get my attention and while I see he may need to connect it feels like he wants ALL of me ALL the time and his emotions are his manipulative tactic- what can I do here or how can I rethink this?

By: Sarah

Sarah — Thu, 06 Sep 2018 04:00:43 +0000

In reply to janet. Thank you both for the comment and reply! Seeing differently....that makes sense.

By: janet

janet — Mon, 04 Jun 2018 21:41:56 +0000

In reply to Marian. We all certainly have not perfect days! Both of you, please be good to yourselves!

By: Marian

Marian — Wed, 30 May 2018 12:20:50 +0000

In reply to Jane May.

I am working so hard on forgiving myself for not being grounded. Thanks for bringing up our not perfect days.

A day or two after I yell, my daughter is unruly—no surprise. I now say, when she is yelling at me, Wow, I was like that to you. It must have been scary. I am sorry I acted that way to you. I made a mistake and will do better.

I am owning how she will copy everything I do and the mirror can be really really hard to look at. But, I am undoing my own mother and becoming more authentic.

Because I have scared her with my emotional immaturity, I now make sure I smile more when I ask her to do something, or starting a transition. She will turn to me to check on my facial expression, I’ve noticed, so I am sure to look pleasant, pleased, calm, relaxed. I will be feeling that way, but my face will be relaxed which doesn’t look happy. (Resting b——- face : )

I love when I see her see me and she doesn’t put up her guard. I love the changes.