I have had experience with my daughter where I wasn’t listening to her emotions. She was bullied and rejected by few girls in the kindergarten and her best friend was often absent due to being sick, so she often had to play alone although she prefers playing with children. She didn’t like going to kindergarten and was always happy when she could stay home or go to grandparents. Now she is six and she is very well adjusted and have a lot of friends (group has changed and little “bullies” went to school) but now she sometimes also acts very angry towards other kids when she feels being rejected (there are some harsh words also) and also sometimes she acts (in my perspective) unreasonably unkind towards others for no obvious reason. She went from a kid who introduced herself and ask to be someone’s friend to “You can’t play with us/I wish you are not in our group/I don’t want to be your friend anymore” kid. I would like to help her to be kinder but I’m personally struggling when she s unkind and also when she express big emotions and yes, I often believe there is no valid reason and that she is too big for tantruming. She also got a baby brother five months ago and was openly jealous at first (she expressed rather freely her emotions e.g. “I think he will take my place” etc) but I think now she is rather accepting him. I’m wondering, should a six year old know better and have a more intentional behaviour? Or am I just not listening to her enough?

Second, on same topic, do you have advice on ages for socialization? I stay home with my baby and while we go out and about, I don’t have any friends with kids (I’m 41 so we waited). I’ve also noticed how extremely physical she is and she needs time to play and move a lot during the day so I find it easier to stay home or visit local parks. I worry that since she’s not around lots of other babies and even adults, that I am shaping her social skills long term. Should I put her in a class or daycare a few mornings week? I LOVE being with her so I’m not eager to do this, although I don’t want her missing out on social interactions if it’s important at her age. Although I grew up in a huge family and am an introvert ha! We had dinner at a friends’ house the other day and she was happy to explore the house and loved my two girlfriends who gave her lots of attention. She also has bonded with one of my friends who watched her a few times and her swim teacher (swim mainly to let her move).

Thank you for what you do! Can’t wait to read more!

I had a similar experience. I had to pull my daughter out of a RIE informed home daycare due to her daycare providers maternity leave. The only place in town with an opening was much, much cheaper but it simply wasn’t worth keeping her long term. The kids were given junk food, teachers snapped fingers in toddler’s faces and yelled from across the room. In less than three days my daughter went from a confident, vivacious 18 month old to completely terrified and silent.

It saddens me to think of the mothers and fathers who HAVE to use that sort of facility because they don’t have the means to pay for something better.

Dear Clio – Thank you so much for your kind words and support. I really needed that today! I love how you are embracing this work. x Janet

Thank you soooo much for coming back to me. It is very corny, but I am slightly starstruck that you replied.

My question was not about a particular situation but in general. You said it beautifully above (and below):

One of the most comment judgments many of us make is that our children can’t possibly handle the situation or their feelings about it — that being sad or disappointed will break them. That obviously wasn’t the case with the issue Amber shared, but it’s a common default we have that can also be harmful to their emotional development.

And my question is: how do we know? Do we take a step back and assess the situation and if its like our child is scared of a dog, or being left in the room alone for some minutes, then we can treat that as feelings that pass? But if a child is genuinely upset over being in someone’s care or about being in a particular class for instance then we take more active approach? Is this something you prefer to discuss in more detail in a consultation?

Once again thank you for thoughts.

My daughters daycare is RIE-centred and bloody expensive. It’s also a little far from my house. I keep touring other (cheaper) places in the hopes of finding something closer and financially doable but every time I do I’m horrified at the way the adults treat the kids. From small things like picking up a crying child and telling them they are okay, to witnessing an adult chase and tackle a 2 year old boy who had taken my daughters toy (neither of us were worried about the toy in the slightest), then hold him down, berate him and take the toy back. I was horrified, and not the slightest bit surprised when 5 minutes later he pushed another little boy over (which he was then shamed about).

It’s a horrifying scene out there. I wish every teacher and carer on the planet embraced RIE.

So much love to this mom and bub. xoxoxoxoxoxo

My pleasure, Basma. You are so welcome. Thank you for your kind words.

Yes, I understand your question. Admitting we don’t know is the first step and best way, as I suggest in the post, to keep our minds open to what is actually going on, rather than jumping to conclusions. In regard to your son sleeping in his bed, was there an event that would have caused him to be fearful of being there, i.e., something scary happened to him in that room? I would always encourage the child to feel and share whatever he is feeling and a big part of that is about calming our own fears. Also, our avoidance of quick judgments help us to more deeply know our child and that means knowing when something they do or say is out of character (i.e., “I’m afraid!”). So there are a lot of variables. One way to get clearer, is do intervene, but do less, so that our child can process the discomfort a little more safely and comfortably. In your sleeping situation, that might look like staying in his room with him until he falls asleep, so that you can all about all of those fears, or adding a nightlight, rather than just taking him straight back to your room. In this recent post of mine, it was about being near to a child so as to protect, but not picking him up or moving him away from the dogs and cats that frightened him: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2018/05/single-answer-many-common-parenting-concerns/

One of the most comment judgments many of us make is that our children can’t possibly handle the situation or their feelings about it — that being sad or disappointed will break them. That obviously wasn’t the case with the issue Amber shared, but it’s a common default we have that can also be harmful to their emotional development.