It’s never too late, Marian! It gets more difficult for us because it means changing the way we see and then working on shifting our patterns of response. But this is very very possible. You’ve got this!

You might be interested to read about the difference between authoritarian and authoritative parenting; authoritarian parents can end up having their strict expectations backfire if kids rebel. Authoritative parents combine firm boundaries with warmth and respect. There are lots of resources online that talk about the difference, here’s one: https://parentingscience.com/authoritative-parenting-style/

Your daughter could have sensory processing issues that make some of those activities difficult. Sensory issues does not excuse undesirable behaviors but can help explain them, and knowing what they are could give you additional ideas of how to approach things. For example, if transitions are hard, does a warning before it’s time to leave help, if she’s over reactive to touch there are techniques to help decrease that, which in turn could make tooth brushing and hair brushing a little easier. Just a thought. You could try to get a consult with an occupational therapist in your area for ideas, or search the internet (but always with caution). Good resources are the Star Institute and Carol Kranowitz’s books to get a sense if your child may have a sensory processing issue.

Hi Judith! I love that wonderful imagery. Thank you for sharing!

I have heard boundaries referred to as a warm comforter. Who doesn’t love that, especially in the winter? Whenever a child is looking for direction, I imagine them asking to be held in a warm comforter. That helps me to set boundaries with greater ease and well, comfort.

Thanks, Judith Frizlen

I absolutely love your principles and have enjoyed your books and podcasts. I have a 14 year old and a very strong-willed 2.5 year old. My first was always so docile and co-operative, maybe had two tantrums in his life. My toddler has two per day. I am some days at a complete loss, as I’m a very attentive stay-at-home parent. She refuses (screams and cries) somedays to get in the car when we have to leave somewhere she enjoyed like a playground after already having spent muliple hours there, brushing her teeth is everyday a struggle and sometimes she refuses to go shopping, she will drop on the floor as we enter. (I try to do as little as possible). I’m always trying to remain calm and mostly succeed despite her behaviour. I have tried to brush with her, sing songs, tell her that her teeth will hurt if she doesn’t brush, nothing works and I end up physically restraining her to do it while saying to her that we have to do it because I don’t want her teeth to hurt. She cries bitterly and tells me I’m scaring her, this breaks my heart. Please can you make a suggestion of how I can better approach her and get her co-operation? I try to put boundaries in place by simply completing the task and talking to her about it but it feels like it’s not ever going to improve. In turn these outbursts also upset my eldest greatly and he doesn’t want to go with us anywhere because she might have a tantrum.

I would really appreciate any advice.

Kind regards,

Lualdi

I love your readers kind words about the stick to her son and the way she phrased it. I have a feeling that structure will be making an appearance in our house today!