Thanks so much for your reply, Janet. I think I need to work on more than a mindset shift, because my partner and I empathize with our child quite a lot. I think we need to continue practicing the ways we engage, respond, and hold boundaries, and I need to figure out how to process these emotions more away from my child. I think burnout from intense empathy itself might be producing some “push/pull” that is difficult for all of us.

I think my anxiety about his development has so much to do with his circumstances (too complicated to explain) and my own trauma, as you noticed. I believe in him so much (which is part of why I am so frustrated!) but I wonder whether he has trouble receiving that message through my anxiety. I talked to my partner about taking your course together—I think we need stronger guidance and structure and unity to provide our child with a safe place to vent his feelings amidst this chaos. A stronger framework would also give us more confidence in our parenting, which would help our anxiety too.

I also think I need to have more patience with both myself and my child. Just yesterday he took my suggestion to “draw about his feelings” and drew a very tiny angry face when he was upset about a game not loading. I felt like the sun was breaking through the clouds. He seemed more relaxed and engaged that day in general. I’m thinking of keeping a journal to help me stay in touch with the big picture.

Thank you so much for your refreshing and piercing perspective. We still have so much to learn from you.

Great questions, Claire, and I would love to clarify for you. The family in this story did not try to act as if they were unbothered by their son’s behavior. The shift for them came when they understood better what was going on with him. That shift in perception is what caused them feel differently than they previously had. Our perceptions of behavior will be what dictates how we feel about it. So to “stop feeling frustrated…” as in this case, we’ll want to take a closer look at the “why.” Why is our child behaving this way? And also, why are we reacting to it with frustration? What fears, concerns, worries, traumas maybe, are behind that for us? Sounds like you are connecting with some of that, which is great: “I am already having trouble accepting and processing my own fears—that my child is not going to build effective social, emotional, and problem-solving skills and that I cannot help him if he doesn’t want to be helped—and now I’m confused.”

But what about your boy? Why do you imagine he keeps cycling through these behaviors? “What if my child lies more than he tells the truth? What if he nearly always chooses instant distraction or manipulation as his coping mechanisms? What if he is highly resistant to using or learning other skills?” Do you have a sense of what these causes are? If so, why would your boy be uncomfortable acknowledging them? “what I believe are the sources of the problem are largely outside of our control, and he refuses to talk about them. He is intensely preoccupied with having “fun” and not experiencing negative emotions, not even for a second.

When children lie and avoid it is usually a sign they are afraid or otherwise intensely uncomfortable, often it’s that they feel judged, misunderstood, rejected rather than accepted. I’m not saying that’s what is going on here for your little guy, because I don’t know. But if you are having those fears about him… can you imagine how afraid he might feel about himself?

Please know that nothing I teach is about stifling or negating or denying our feelings. I would never recommend such a thing. It’s the antithesis of what I believe and would be unhelpful, impossible to sustain, unhealthy for us and our child.

There’s always a reason children behave as they do.I’d recommend pondering this so that you can close the distance that may have developed between you and your boy. x Janet

I already do my best to appear “unruffled” and my child simply cycles through attention-seeking behavior, testing everything he can think of to bother us. He spends most of the day in this state (it seems stressful for him!), whether or not I spend an hour or several giving him quality, one-on-one attention early in the day. Unfortunately, what I believe are the sources of the problem are largely outside of our control, and he refuses to talk about them. He is intensely preoccupied with having “fun” and not experiencing negative emotions, not even for a second.

I am already having trouble accepting and processing my own fears—that my child is not going to build effective social, emotional, and problem-solving skills and that I cannot help him if he doesn’t want to be helped—and now I’m confused. Do I need to negate my own feelings to truly create this atmosphere of unconditional acceptance for my child? This seems contradictory—am I missing something important?