Comments on: These Toddlers Are NOT Sharing

By: emmiline

emmiline — Mon, 02 Dec 2019 15:29:09 +0000

I love this and I really believe in letting kids negotiate and play with one another in this manner—my 13-month-old daughter does this a lot in “neutral territory” places like the playground. However, when our friends come to our house with their toddlers, who immediately set upon her playmat and toys, my daughter loses it and starts bawling or tantruming (which she rarely does otherwise).

She calms once we sit beside her and chat with her about what is happening but doesn’t seem totally able to get to that calm place herself when other little people seemingly invade her space. Ideas?

Thank you for all your incredible insight and generosity in sharing with us!

By: ECS-560: Student Conflict Resolution Assignment - Critical Homework

ECS-560: Student Conflict Resolution Assignment - Critical Homework — Tue, 13 Aug 2019 11:09:07 +0000

[…] http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/10/these-toddlers-are-not-sharing/ […]

By: Mihaela

Mihaela — Sun, 17 Mar 2019 09:11:02 +0000

In reply to Amra. I am also intrested in the above situation!

By: Sara

Sara — Sun, 17 Mar 2019 05:11:36 +0000

Hi Janet,
I’ve been using these techniques with my now 21 month old twins, and it is amazing to see what they can work out on their own. There are times though, where one will be playing with something and the other one comes along and grabs it, and a real struggle ensues, with them both holding on to said item and shrieking and crying. If the one that was playing with it first losses possession of it that one gets really upset. I am wondering at what point it’s appropriate to step in (if at all) when things are escalating like that and how to go about it. Thanks!

By: Amber

Amber — Sun, 15 Apr 2018 15:02:10 +0000

Hi Janet,
I found this helpful and I agree with what you are suggesting. I find I am able to let these situations happen organically with my sister because she also appreciates your parenting solutions and so we often sit back, state the obvious if a child is asking for help, and watch our children figure out their play disagreements themselves.
My challenge is when I go to a drop in or play group where I don’t know the other parents. My (almost) 2 year old son will be possessive of toys if others (of any age) are using them, saying the usual statements like “Mine! My car!” and crying with devastation. I feel comfortable at this level, but then he continues to push that child or pull the toy away aggressively, and I feel compelled to stop him (gently) before he hurts someone.
What is the best way to incorporate your methods when my child is being demanding of other children, whose parents are watching closely and don’t know me well?
Thanks for your guidance.

By: Lynn

Lynn — Wed, 07 Oct 2015 05:04:07 +0000

Hi Janet. Wonderful video, I wish I could find a class like this in Houston. I feel like I am a little too late with my almost two year. Inevitably at every playdate, he hits or pushes another child usually over a toy. He is very active, so while I stay close, he runs around quite a bit and so I can’t always prevent it. I try using the phrases you used here, but I don’t think he responds to them. I do think I use a stronger tone with him so I will try to tone it down and be more unruffled. It just seems that the two toddlers in the video are much more calm natured than my son who would have been screeching and flailing his arms ready to attack at this point. Any suggestions for a more high strung child?

By: Anna

Anna — Thu, 17 Sep 2015 20:15:32 +0000

Hi Janet! I was introduced to your website/podcasts/book a few days ago and have been devouring everything. I was particularly excited to take my 17 month old to the children’s museum today to practice some of the sharing lingo I have been learning from you.

Previously, I would step in immediately when a child was trying to take something my son was playing with, or vice vera, and I while it feels unnatural I was excited to try and put my adult vision aside and try to “see toddler”.

So long story short, I live in a particularly conservative, traditional city and the other parents were less than thrilled when my son took a toy from another boy and I stood there providing commentary. Another mom even told her son that my child was “mean”. I know I shouldn’t let this get to me… but I’m wondering if maybe I should save these tools for a more conducive environment (like a preschool where everyone has the same beliefs?). I don’t know… it got me down more than I’d like to admit. How do you deal with parents (and children) who are on a different page?

Thank you so much.

Anna

By: Jill Finney

Jill Finney — Mon, 13 Apr 2015 00:02:40 +0000

Hi Janet, I am fairly new to RIE parenting but I appreciate your posts and find that they really resonate with me. We live in a townhouse complex with a gated common area which allows for my 2 year old daughter to play with our neighbour’s children frequently. The neighbours and I both have an open-door type policy when it comes to the kids which I really love. However, my neighbour’s 3 year old son repeatedly (and quite aggressively) grabs toys from my daughter. Usually I try to remain neutral and validate her feelings and often she doesn’t seem too bothered by it and just walks away. Sometimes it escalates to screaming and tears and I still try to validate and sportscast but often find myself removing her from the situation. The boys parents don’t interfere and if they do it is mostly to say “well he doesn’t like to share” or “its his toy” which I find just promotes ownership. I don’t feel like I can comfortably intervene based on his parent’s responses but I find myself wondering if these interactions are harmful for my daughter’s self-esteem. I am beginning to feel that playing with the neighbour will have to happen on neutral ground where I will feel more comfortable gently correcting his behaviour. I would love to hear your thoughts on this!

By: Sarah

Sarah — Tue, 07 Oct 2014 23:31:07 +0000

LOVE this! Just had an experience today with my 18 month old “sharing” or lack thereof. I can foster the above learning when with my like minded friends but find it difficult when in public play situations. Do you have any advice for a playground or play gym? My son will say no and try to take back whatever was taken from him but other parents have the sharing expectation – (we don’t have any RIE groups here in Vancouver:( )

By: Jess

Jess — Fri, 24 Jan 2014 12:14:54 +0000

I have a question. My daughter, Kaylee is 2 1/2 years old. She is a very sweet, giving, loving, observant girl. She loves other children and she has always been good at sharing. I currently watch another little girl named Mirah once week who turns 2 in April. She is very hands on, a bit aggressive and is currently going through a pushy stage where she says, “NO! MINE!” and grabs practically everything away from Kaylee, and yesterday she went so far as to pushing her off of her chair so she could sit there for herself. My daughter just stares at her after these incidences with a face of observation and somewhat hurt feelings I think. I understand letting them learn how to interact on their own, but if the behavior just keeps continuining and no one is teaching Mirah to share and to not take and I don’t teach my daughter to stick up for herself somehow, how are they going to learn? Do I just hope one day Mirah decides to not behave this way and also hope that one day my kid suddenly has a backbone? Please help. Thanks very much. Jess