Comments on: 7 Reasons to Stop Judging (and Start Trusting) Sibling Play

By: Michelle

Michelle — Fri, 17 Sep 2021 16:37:03 +0000

This is really interesting.

How would you deal with a pair where the younger one fights back? My kids are 3 and 6. Example from yesterday: The older one was talking rudely to the younger one (eg. Bossing around and yelling or insulting if the younger one doesn’t obey), then the younger one got really frustrated and smashed the older one’s intricate Lego build. Then older one screams in the younger one’s face and younger one starts hitting. This whole dynamic took place over the course of about 30-60 seconds. At what point would you intervene? I find if I intervene at the point of the rude language, older one definely feels unfairly persecuted (he believes he should be in charge). If I intervene at the point of physical violence, younger one feels unfairly persecuted and the toys are still smashed, but the older one sees the natural consequences of treating his brother badly? Not sure what’s the answer here.

By: Sara DiMedio

Sara DiMedio — Mon, 26 Jul 2021 04:20:11 +0000

In reply to lauren. Hi Janet, I’m wondering if you can offer us the words that we might say as we intervene, without judgment, when things begin to get too rough or encroach on safety for the younger sibling. I know you often say, “I can see that you want to hit/lay on/etc your little brother, but I can’t let you do that.” Are there other options, that maybe convey a bit more of the Why? I often use, “I think he’s telling you he doesn’t like that, or that it’s too much for him.” Also things like, “Throwing a ball at someone could hurt them, and we don’t want to hurt other people, just like we don’t want them to hurt you.” Does something like this fit the profile of remaining neutral, and kind of being that sideline commentator I’ve heard you discuss?

By: lauren

lauren — Wed, 10 Jul 2019 06:26:27 +0000

I have 1 yr old twins.. and I struggle what to do when one of them hits the other, or bites the other, who of course starts screaming. I usually end up grabbing the offending arm before it hits again..and I say No we don’t hit, because it hurts, but she thinks its a funny game… with biting I say the same.. but they are young and she obviously doesn’t understand.
They also steal toys from one another.. but one always cries when a toy is stolen from her. I try to advice her to take it back. I am not sure she understands. For young girls they sure can argue.
And of course the food tossing … either hitting the spoon coming towards their mouth, grabbing the spoon and making the food fly, or just spitting the food out.. If I leave the food on their tray, a lot gets tossed on the floor… as does the water bottle when they are done. I try to advice them to just say No Mommy (i don’t want it anymore), and to let me remove it.. but again they don’t understand.
One has figured out how to use a spoon if I help her get food on it..(which she request I do) and on occasion the food actually makes it into her mouth.. This is a very frustrating and messy period… what can I do so they eat more and stop making such a mess? Sometimes singing a song helps for a bit, but not always..

By: Laura

Laura — Thu, 17 May 2018 20:56:18 +0000

My daughter D and nanny kid NK are both almost 2 years old. In the last few months, D has become very aggressive with NK. It all seems to be playing but NK hollers out and doesn’t seem to enjoy it, liking his space to himself. Sometimes the play is actually hitting NK with toys and I step in immediately. General chasing and wrestling I try to stay out of and let them figure it out.

Here are my issues:
1. NK has a right to not engage in this type of play if he doesn’t want to.
2. I have been too inconsistent with how to handle so the kids never know what response they’re going to get. My response is never extreme but range between ignoring and stepping in to stop D and say “you may not hit NK” or “when NK yells, that means stop.”
3. It’s gotten to a point where it seems they are both asking for my attention. NK May holler out without having been touched and D may do something and immediately look at me.

By: Margaret

Margaret — Tue, 18 Apr 2017 16:01:18 +0000

Hi Janet,
I’ve been following your blog for several months now and really appreciate your advice. I have an 18 month old daughter and although she doesn’t have any siblings (yet!), she has a 5-month old cousin. One challenge we’re having is how to communicate with our daughter the importance of being gentle with her baby cousin. Although she knows the difference between gentle and rough play of course, she is very exuberant and often her “gentle pats” become more like hits. When this happens I calmly say “You’re excited and want to play but you can’t hit” and then I move her away from the baby. This response doesn’t seem to be stopping the behavior, and usually just elicits a big mischievous smile and more attempts at hitting. Am I making a mistake in my response? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

By: Angelique

Angelique — Mon, 17 Apr 2017 03:34:08 +0000

Hi again,

I’m sorry you were having a hard day the other day. It must be so tough to communicate this incredible message to people all over the world, from multiple cultures and countries. You ARE ABSOLUTELY doing a FANTASTIC job! PLEASE don’t stop. We don’t know where we’d be without you!

I imagine you probably hear so much negative from parents since parents who implement RIE easily are rare to come to you… Whereas ones needing the extra help are likely the majority.

I wanted to update as this post has helped so much. We are truly seeing our girls and our older one has responded to this. My focus has been on helping her to feel good about herself so that she can build her sense of worth that will support her in establishing a great relationship with her little sister – so thank you!

I went into her room after she had hit her younger sister and we had to get things done so we did need to separate. We began to look at some people she had drawn on her chalkboard. She identified one as being mummy, one as her and one as her little sister. I asked what was happening and she said:

“Mummy can’t hear”. (WOW!)

I asked why and she said:

“Mummy has things in her ears”.

I asked what could help and she said:

“Space”.

I asked if I should draw a big space around her and mummy and she agreed. So i did a big circle that encapsulated mummy and her.
She said:

“But F is in there!”

I hadn’t noticed that I had also drawn the circle around her little sister who had been identified earlier (BTW these are scribbly circles she had drawn earlier, with dots for eyes and lines for legs… to our amazement, she has recently drawn her people like this).
So I drew another circle that took her little sister outside of the space and she was happy with that.

By: Cecilia Fellouse

Cecilia Fellouse — Sun, 16 Apr 2017 13:49:05 +0000

Your post makes me think of what Rosemary Wells said about why Max and Ruby’s parents never appear in her books or the show:
“We don’t see Max and Ruby’s parents because I believe that kids resolve their issues and conflicts differently when they’re on their own.”

I feel that this puts our potential role in siblings’ interactions in perspective 😉

By: Marie

Marie — Sun, 16 Apr 2017 00:16:33 +0000

I think the most challenging thing is nailing down the matter of fact attitude while being with both kids. My daughter (older sib, 3) is so quick when she gets aggressive, swatting at my son (1) while he grabs one of her toys for example – that I feel like I really need to be always on, and ready to protect my younger one, instead of being relaxed and just enjoying their play. But I feel like this translates to judging, which perpetuates the aggression. I can try the separate play areas but I think my daughter would get jealous of whatever toys I include on my son’s side. I have a super sensitive older girl. I allow and encourage all her feelings but she seems to be a bottomless pit sometimes…

By: Allison

Allison — Sat, 15 Apr 2017 20:16:56 +0000

In reply to janet.

I’m so glad!

Sometime maybe you could write about trusting teenagers. . . my beautiful children having begun leaving the nest — that is, they are beginning to orient toward their peers and have adventures on their own, no more playing in baby-gated safe spaces! I trust them, but worry has been creeping up on me, too. I want to allow them their privacy and age-appropriate freedoms, and I want to stay connected, too.

By: Jill North

Jill North — Sat, 15 Apr 2017 13:09:02 +0000

Hi Janet! Really great article. My daughter is 5 years old now and one of the biggest mistakes I made early on was to be too overprotective (maybe because she was my first). In any case, your article just confirms that you need to loosen the rope and let them grow up. They will sort themselves out.