Comments on: Dear Parent: You Are Not Failing

By: Adriana

Adriana — Fri, 28 Oct 2022 21:01:36 +0000

So feel for this mom. Janet, I love your podcasts. One thought I had over me over again here in particular is the lack of support available to parents. It just seems to me that even these wonderful suggestions require this mom to be a superhero; and somehow to address all these issues individually. Maybe she has PPD or maybe she simply needs some help from friends and family. That is a ton to have on her plate. I wish you could speak to that, as parenthood can feel incredibly isolating and I fear that suggestions that are bout how to differently respond to her kids don’t address a true need this mom has to refill her cup.

By: Merrill

Merrill — Sat, 14 Nov 2020 07:06:43 +0000

What to do when a toddler’s tantrums and screams consistently wake up the new baby? Do you encourage the toddler to scream in their room, or does that seem dismissive or too much like a time-out? I have sensory overload around loud noises and the screaming really gets to me, and I feel so frustrated and helpless when my new baby wakes and starts wailing in response to my toddlers loud screams.

By: Dana K

Dana K — Sat, 08 Jun 2019 19:01:27 +0000

My heart goes out to this mom. For us, I had bedrest and before the very end of pregnancy, my toddler had to go and live for over a week at my parents house. It was the first time he was ever away from home, alone. Once the baby came home, everything seemed okay at first, and then it started. He’d be an emotional mess, explosive in his reactions. Once bedtime came, nap or night, he’d scream in his bed for over an hour until he’d pass out. We were at out wits end. It was painful to hear, and we felt like we had screwed our child up. At first we tried to compromise. He wouldn’t scream if he’d get another book. But once the book was over, back to screaming. So there was no way that anything really would help. So we understood ourselves, that it was time to do the opposite – to be loving, but decisive. Bedtime is bedtime. We took the screaming, while also managing to talk with him once he was ready, right before sleeping. We talked about the feelings. When during the day he’d get a bit destructive around the baby, we’d talk about jealousy. How mom has to feed the baby and the toddler wants in her lap, and that must be upsetting and hard to deal with. But once mom is done, the toddler can come into mom’s lap. I was afraid of bringing up these negative feelings about his sibling, but once we did (I told him I have a sibling too, and sometimes I would be angry at him and jealous as well, it was normal and it’s okay), it really started to allow him to let those feelings out. Slowly but surely, we started feeling more confident on imposing our rules once again (regarding screen time, eating, etc), because previously we felt that maybe we should allow him a bit more as to somehow balance out the change.. But it didn’t really work. Even though I went outside with my toddler for one on one time everyday, it wasn’t some magical solution. It took over a month for things to change for the better. We never asked our toddler to be nice to the baby, to kiss him, or anything. But he’s become such a sweet brother. He kisses him, runs up to help, wants to spend time with the baby. Now, at almost three months old, I feel like our toddler is finally getting more balanced. But it took a lot of heartbreak on our side, yet it was a great thing to learn – from now on I don’t try to calm my child, I try to teach him to deal with his emotions, I allow those emotions and even invite them to come. Because it is such a release, such a restart for him. And I notice how difficult it is for so many people to do. Both grandparents want to bribe the toddler, talk him out of his meltdowns, but it doesn’t work. They just get postponed. Seeing that and seeing how, on the contrary, our solution really makes him release the tension, I will never go back. Still, as I said, it was such a difficult time. I went to a psychiatrist who also specializes in children’s psychology and hearing her advice be the same thing that we did, I also felt supported to continue. But honestly, at one point I thought, that my life was over and this craziness will never stop. I thought it just can’t get any better, it all felt broken. But we came out of it, we came out stronger. Big hugs from over the Atlantic.

By: Lillie Potter

Lillie Potter — Wed, 05 Jun 2019 20:32:11 +0000

I found this, and your other podcasts, really interesting and helpful. A key question I have is at what age would you expect children to develop the emotional maturity where they can process their frustrations etc without playing up/ melting down? Many of your podcasts seem to relate to young children and toddlers. My 11 year old still has big meltdowns at home as he releases and processes all of his frustrations from school etc. Whilst I want to give him space to do this and try not to take it personally/ make it personal it is hard when the language and behaviour can be aggressive and abusive. And when his emotional expression crosses the line so he is hurting himself, his siblings or me, physically and verbally, it is much harder to set the boundarlies because he is physically bigger and stronger. I guess the core of my question is how would your expectations and approach evolve as children become older?